Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
So it's been almost a month since I last logged on here. It's been alot of up and down the last while.
The friend I went to Kingston with didn't pan out. Deep down inside we were both not over our exes and doing anything would simply complicate things. I took alot of the advice I was given and simply let things go as friends.
The situation at hand is kind of messed up. I'm on plentyoffish.com and have met various women there. So far there are two people I've taken an interest in. the first is a woman named Raquel who is a single mother of two and we seem to have alot in common. The second is a bit of a blur and a reason I am writing this. Her name is Blaze. We met roughly two weeks ago and have been non stop chatting since. We took a keen interest in each other, but she told me that she got out of an engagement of three years only in December. I was taken aback by that and asked if she was passed it, moved on or if she needed the time. She told me that she was long moved on from it before it even ended. So we got very close and had a date this past Wednesday. Said date went super well, it's been along time since I've had a connection like that. It got very intimate (to the point where we were both without clothes), but there was no intercourse involved. We made plans to meet up again. Well this morning she sent me a message over Facebook stating that she has done some thinking. Some days she's well over her ex, others she isn't. She told me that I'm apparently too amazing of a person for her. Too selfless. That she doesn't think that a girl like her could give me what I deserve. It felt like she was letting me down easy. She messaged me soon after and asked me my opinion. I told her that I do enjoy her company, enjoy talking to her and I really felt a connection. She told me she likes me, but she needs to get by it all and that she doesn't want me to be waiting around for her.
I ended up agreeing with her. Compromised on the fact that we'll continue getting together and seeing if time leads it on, but neither of us is committing to the other. I'm taking the advantage there to continue seeing other people.
All of this brought upon a reflection from what my ex said when we broke up. That I'm a really great guy and it seems like she ruins me. It seems that I hear it very often that I'm such a great guy and that's the reason they don't want to be with me. In all honesty does it take being a horrible person in order to find someone to actually care and want to be with you? Is it so wrong to be a decent person?
An extra factor in all of this is that I am still currently sleeping with my ex. We agreed to go back to the friends and seeing each other stage. Then she brought upon the factor of sex still being involved. And finally we spoke over seeing if we could reconnect within a certain time limit (that is approaching fast) and after it's reached we'd speak about the possibility of a relationship.
In all of that confusion, a close friend of mine asked her on a date and has taken a huge interest in her. I've spoken to her about it and she agreed to the date, but she came to me and told me about it. She told me it's not so much she's interested in him, but more of needing the company. Which I can understand, but for some reason I feel a bit lied to and betrayed. I don't know why, just seems to be alot of sneaking around.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore about anything. I go away again this upcoming weekend, and frankly, my questions and answers are so jumbled I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
The friend I went to Kingston with didn't pan out. Deep down inside we were both not over our exes and doing anything would simply complicate things. I took alot of the advice I was given and simply let things go as friends.
The situation at hand is kind of messed up. I'm on plentyoffish.com and have met various women there. So far there are two people I've taken an interest in. the first is a woman named Raquel who is a single mother of two and we seem to have alot in common. The second is a bit of a blur and a reason I am writing this. Her name is Blaze. We met roughly two weeks ago and have been non stop chatting since. We took a keen interest in each other, but she told me that she got out of an engagement of three years only in December. I was taken aback by that and asked if she was passed it, moved on or if she needed the time. She told me that she was long moved on from it before it even ended. So we got very close and had a date this past Wednesday. Said date went super well, it's been along time since I've had a connection like that. It got very intimate (to the point where we were both without clothes), but there was no intercourse involved. We made plans to meet up again. Well this morning she sent me a message over Facebook stating that she has done some thinking. Some days she's well over her ex, others she isn't. She told me that I'm apparently too amazing of a person for her. Too selfless. That she doesn't think that a girl like her could give me what I deserve. It felt like she was letting me down easy. She messaged me soon after and asked me my opinion. I told her that I do enjoy her company, enjoy talking to her and I really felt a connection. She told me she likes me, but she needs to get by it all and that she doesn't want me to be waiting around for her.
I ended up agreeing with her. Compromised on the fact that we'll continue getting together and seeing if time leads it on, but neither of us is committing to the other. I'm taking the advantage there to continue seeing other people.
All of this brought upon a reflection from what my ex said when we broke up. That I'm a really great guy and it seems like she ruins me. It seems that I hear it very often that I'm such a great guy and that's the reason they don't want to be with me. In all honesty does it take being a horrible person in order to find someone to actually care and want to be with you? Is it so wrong to be a decent person?
An extra factor in all of this is that I am still currently sleeping with my ex. We agreed to go back to the friends and seeing each other stage. Then she brought upon the factor of sex still being involved. And finally we spoke over seeing if we could reconnect within a certain time limit (that is approaching fast) and after it's reached we'd speak about the possibility of a relationship.
In all of that confusion, a close friend of mine asked her on a date and has taken a huge interest in her. I've spoken to her about it and she agreed to the date, but she came to me and told me about it. She told me it's not so much she's interested in him, but more of needing the company. Which I can understand, but for some reason I feel a bit lied to and betrayed. I don't know why, just seems to be alot of sneaking around.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore about anything. I go away again this upcoming weekend, and frankly, my questions and answers are so jumbled I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
My question though is and maybe I am wrong in perceiving it this way but..... Why are you so focused on having a serious relationship right now anyway? In some of your past posts you talked a lot about focusing more on getting on track with your career and possibly moving back to the area where you felt there was a lot of job potential that you would become quite successful at. But yet I never hear you actually taking the steps to do so.
It almost seems to me that after you date or even hook up with a friend or stranger the very first thing that comes to your mind is having a future serious relationship with them. I certainly do believe two people can have stimulating conversation and have a lot of things in common however I don't think that is grounds necessarily for wanting to have a serious relationship. It can simply mean you found an awesome friend.
I also remember your comment about being very sexually active and I am not saying you need to give that up however perhaps that is another issue that you focus on too much. In all aspects I really do think if you were to focus a bit more on other things in life and can get comfortable being single for awhile things might not get so complicated with your relationships.
Being single has its good and bad moments but in all the posts you have written so far I don't see where you once have said right now I am going to enjoy just being single for awhile focus on my career and enjoy some casual dating. I think if you truly give that a shot you are going to start to feel a lot more comfortable and satisfied with your life and get a better sense of direction of what your future should be.
Forgive me if I am wrong but I just feel that you are in too much of a rush just to have a relationship with someone. It is almost like if there is no one to pursue you have nothing. I also think that it is possible the fear of failure stops and complicates things for you a great deal. I think you get classified as being a very nice guy who would help anyone out if they needed it and I think it is appreciated by many. But I also sense that people may think you come off as someone who might just want to get a bit too serious too soon.
Anyway I do hope that you find that special someone but I also think it would be a good idea if you give being single for awhile a chance it will make you more comfortable and give you a bit of a break from all the complications of a serious relationship. Maybe focusing more on your dreams and really taking the action to make them happen will give you a whole new outlook on life that will benefit you in a lot of ways. Anyway just something to think about. Best wishes as always to you:)
I honestly NEVER see sex as a complication to anything. Unlike many people, I see sex as nothing more then pleasure. It is a little more enjoyable when you care about the person you are with, but in all honesty. I don't feel it's something that has to be done with a huge level of thought. In fact I've always seen kissing as something more intimate then sex; and stand by a statement once made that "you can fuck someone without kissing them", I completley agree with that. Again, it's always the other person's discretion when the moment is right. I don't force it, that way I don't ruin anything and don't let them get uncomfortable. It is my vice, it's the vice i enjoy the most. It's not a need but more of a want. I get very defensive about it because I enjoy my sex life and don't see any issues with it. I don't have many vices as I abstain from alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, and gambling. I don't run around with a slew of one night stands, but more I try to keep it to a low number of people I can turn to when I'm in the mood or keep it in a relationship. I'm very monogamous and like it that way. So while I appreciate the advice given, it is one of the few things I enjoy and allow for myself. But if all needs to be mentioned in this. I have only been in sexual settings with two people since i ended with my ex and one is my ex. Again I appologize for the defense, but it is something I believe is a part of me.
As for the serious relationships. I don't seek them out, yet again I let whomever I see push it to that state. I have been on quite a few dates and have a few girls I'm seeing, but none really click. That's of no matter to me, it's when I feel the chemistry and things to go a high level then as if a switch is flipped I get a little confused. I will admit, I've gone on the thoughts of "why seek a relationship? Why not just break away from dating for a bit?" In all honesty, I don't know.
As for me focusing on my career and such. I've done alot of that in the last month or so. In fact I've got three plans formulating as is. I was approached by my manager and the franchisee of the Domino's I work at about a week ago and they asked me if I would accept a promotion and move two hours North to run the new store they are opening up there. I told them I'll take it into consideration since the store doesn't open till the summer. Unfortunately there are no wrestling promotions up North and that would kill my ambition of being a wrestler. I'm contemplating that while at the same time I've been saving up the past two months to move back to Kingston where I always wanted to go since I'm well known in so many promotions there...unfortunately jobs out there have become slim. The third is to continue here with the wrestling promotions here starting to bloom...which doesn't look promising to me. As you can see, my main priority in my career path is wrestling, I have alot of goals that have me wanting to be full time before I hit 30. I've worked really hard whether being in a relationship or not, I don't ever stop with that. I go to the gym every other day, I train as hard as I can and even sit around coming up with my designs for the next T-shirt or DVD. It's something I've been putting alot more energy into now that I'm single again though. so i do know what you're saying and where your comments might go with "why not focus on that for a bit instead of pursuing a relationship?" Again, I don't know...
Anyway I didn't mean to make it sound like you throw yourself at people. I just think that when people go through relationships that don't work out to me it is also a learning experience that indicates what you want more of as well as less of in serious future relationship.
As for the sex deal you don't have to defend your thoughts on that either not to me anyway but I will just say this thought a majority of people that perceive sex as merely just pleasure and don't focus so much on how serious they really are about a person usually results in not really having a serious relationship that lasts in the future. Unless of course you find someone who shares the same concept as you do. But I find most just seem to drift from one person to the next and for some that is perfectly alright as they are happy being that way.
I also believe we all have our weakness and our strength and depending on how we show and display this to the world and the people in it will sometimes attract the people that are not right for us. My only point was that you be true to yourself and make sure that you reflect upon yourself from time to time to make sure you are comfortable with who you are and you also allow changes in your life if they are needed. Furthermore, because a majority of your posts usually are about relationships not working out for one reason or another I felt it might be a good idea to take some time to figure out why you seem to be getting involved with people who clearly have shown they are not the right one for you.
Anyway on a positive note I am glad to hear you are working towards your goals and I think your persistence will pay off. I also think the right person will come along for you but I think who ever they are will take you by surprise:) Best wishes as always:)
I went to Tim Horton's and was chatting with my friend Colton and I got a text from a friend from high school I hadn't spoken to in a few years. She told me she had to track down my number since I haven't given out my new cell number to many people. We met up this morning before work and we really caught up. After work I hung out with a buddy of mine and we were discussing things and I brought up the fact that Chantal had messaged me out of th blue. He laughed and told me he was the one who gave her my new cell number, he also divulged that for most of high school why she hung out with us was cause she had this insanely huge crush on me but I was with Sabra for the entire time she knew me and she never had an oppurtunity to say anything.
I found it was kind of weird cause I was thinking about what i had said the other night about how I don't really know why I pursue someone. I don't really know why I can't just flip that switch i normally do when I'm single and just see a whole bunch of people and enjoy the fact I'm not tied down to someone. Just a random shot I guess lol.