Healthy Relationships Support Group
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My first back to dating was on April last year and it wasn't really significant, it was a long distance thing that crashed and burned pretty fast and in the end we only spend like 4 days together in a span of 2 months.
After that I maybe went on one first date but there wasn't chemistry and that was all. A couple of months ago a friend suggested tinder ( I know, I know...) and just for fun I tried it, I have only been with foreign guys since 2008 and my hopes to find a local guy were definitely not high, of 20 guys I found attractive only 8 liked me back, of those 8 only 6 exchanged messages and of those 6, 5 seemed to be looking for a hookup and nothing more, the other one, we texted constantly for like a month before we went out, he seems to be my type, skinny, long hair, beard, into weird music and a few more... I think he's a bit shorter than me though, which is strange for me because I already feel like a sasquatch or chewbacca but I'm trying to ignore the urge to make wookie sounds when I'm around short people (so, always).
Last week we went on another date and we had a goodnight kiss (there wasn't any in the first date, I'm being a good girl now :p) and I really like that so far he hasn't made a single sexual reference and his hands were not all over me when we kissed, so nice and slowly it's very good for a change.
Now... He doesn't know I'm still legally married and I don't know how or when should I put that on the table and Id really like your opinion guys, and gals :p
After that I maybe went on one first date but there wasn't chemistry and that was all. A couple of months ago a friend suggested tinder ( I know, I know...) and just for fun I tried it, I have only been with foreign guys since 2008 and my hopes to find a local guy were definitely not high, of 20 guys I found attractive only 8 liked me back, of those 8 only 6 exchanged messages and of those 6, 5 seemed to be looking for a hookup and nothing more, the other one, we texted constantly for like a month before we went out, he seems to be my type, skinny, long hair, beard, into weird music and a few more... I think he's a bit shorter than me though, which is strange for me because I already feel like a sasquatch or chewbacca but I'm trying to ignore the urge to make wookie sounds when I'm around short people (so, always).
Last week we went on another date and we had a goodnight kiss (there wasn't any in the first date, I'm being a good girl now :p) and I really like that so far he hasn't made a single sexual reference and his hands were not all over me when we kissed, so nice and slowly it's very good for a change.
Now... He doesn't know I'm still legally married and I don't know how or when should I put that on the table and Id really like your opinion guys, and gals :p
You've been texting this guy, but you've only been on two dates, so I don't think you need to mention anything just yet. I would wait and see how things progress before you throw everything out on the line. If you guys really start spending more time together and hints of exclusivity start being tossed in the mix, that would be the time to tell him, in my opinion. Make sure you are very clear though that while you are still legally married, the marriage is over and that you aren't a married woman out looking for extra fun. I would also be prepared to answer questions he will probably have about the situation...why you are getting divorced, what the relationship/communication is between you and your soon to be ex-husband, etc. I can see a guy that's interested in a real relationship being curious about some of those things so he can have a feel on what to expect.
Just be open and honest about it when the time comes. If he has a problem with any of it or can't move forward, don't worry yourself about it. It means he's not the one either and the sooner you know that, the better. (Which I'm sure you know now as well!)
I was already giving up on the tinder thing when I stumbled upon his picture, I thought I'd keep looking anyway since we're just getting to know each other, but every picture was like "Nop, creppy, nope.. shirtless, nope nope nope" so I haven't used it anymore and I thing I was just lukcy with this guy because I saw hundreds of pictures and I didn't get good vibes from 80% of them, but I don't have many friends in this city and I didn't know how to meet new people.
Koolman, we live in different continents. As I said, in Mexico you cannot send divorce papers and sign them and be over with it, both people have to go to the court and stand before the judge, we have no kids and I have no interest in getting money from him, one would think thatd make things easier, but not here. So it was either him travelling all the way from Sweden to Mexico just to sign the papers or sending a power of attorney, I've been spending money on a lawyer since I moved back to Mexico, and I got the power of attorney format and translated it for stbxh, all he has to do is sign it and send it through the embassy, but he hasn't done that and he doesn't have the same phone number anymore, so all I can to is send him emails and wait for the papers.
The big flags for me, when dealing with someone divorced/ romantic past, is whether they've recently split up (rebound), and still attached to the ex (call/ text/ talk about them a lot/ do favors for them). Believe it or not, but the doing favors for the ex, has come up a lot since I started dating 4 years ago...
I've not dealt with Tinder (know very little to nothing about it), but I have done online dating, and marital/ relationship status has always come up right away (often before we even meet). The guy has usually brought it up first, but if he didn't, I mostly definitely would. You can't assume anything, anything goes now a days (he could be happily married, with kids, looking for side action?).
If it were me, I'd have the talk now, not just to lay your cards on the table, but so as to know his cards as well. For the reasons above!
I doubt you have anything to worry about, he sounds cute, have fun!!
On a third date, I recommend just being straight with him, lay out the facts. I don't know what all he knows (whether he know's you've been married before or not?). Assuming he doesn't know, I'd say something to the effect...
"I really like you, enjoy spending time with you, and hope we can continue to spend time together...but I have something I need to tell you...."
"I've been married before, and we are no longer together, have not been together since X date. He lives in X country, and I have not seen him since X date (or X months/ years). However, because he lives in X country, it's been complicated/ challenging to get the divorce done .I still plan to get the divorce done, but it may not get done until X date"
Please relax.
If this guy is worth anything he will understand that your situation is a difficult and unique one, and your jackass of a stbxh is just too lazy to do his part, even though he lost interest in making the effort or in being married long ago.
(((hugs))) sweet friend, and may this guy turn out to be a really great one for you. You so deserve it for a change!!
It sounds reasonable enough.
Good Luck!
Yeah, I pretty much told him what I told you guys here, he was talking about how ridiculous is the mexican law and a personal experience with his car's papers so I thought it was the right time "speaking of the stupid paperwork and the law..." lol, I had told him I went to Sweden because of a relationship, not exactly that I was married, but in Mexico living together out of wedlock is really frowned upon (you know, catholics), so he was already assuming I had been married, he didn't care much although he did ask some questions but we moved on to another topic soon after that.
So, so far so good, this time when we said goodbye he hugged me (besides the good night kiss of course :p), which felt great, it was weird to realize I haven't been hugged by a guy in almost a year, it's been only 3 dates so it's pretty early to say much, but so far I don't get the impression he's just fooling around, I hope I'm right.
Haha, the height is not really a deal breaker, but I'm too tall for mexican standards (5'9'') and that's something I've always been very self consious and insecure about, so it does feel weird to me, but we get along and he seems like a decent human being and apparently he doesn't care about that . He's also very skinny and when we were hugging I thought "I bet I can lift him with one arm...." lol.
On that note, one time I was with my mom at a restaurant, and we saw a couple, the woman was like waaaay taller than the guy and they had a kid with them, my mom just hit me with the elbow and told me "see?!!! it doesn't matter!!!", so I'm listening this time...
Height thing, I think I get that, Im 58 (I too at times feel like an Amazon or Chewbacca lol), but I also feel similarly as livingwaters there are a lot of terrible people out there (both men and women), If the guy treats me right, is respectful, whats the big deal? If its a big deal to you'r partner, trust me, youll know right away (he'll stand about three feet away from you when out in public, act embarrassed).
Not that it matters, but there are a lot of male public figures/ politicians/ celebrities who marry women much taller than them.
Stand tall and rpoud!!!