Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
So my fiancee and I have been together for just over 5 years, engaged for half of that time. We have an almost 2 year old daughter, own a home together and have filled the home with things we have purchased together.
I refuse to marry him. We have some issues that need to be worked out before I legally make myself harder to seperate from him.
So we went through a really rough patch, where we fought all the time. Money was tight, our daughter was starting a difficult stage, his family is a big issue and they were breathing down our necks. It got so bad that I packed up and went elsewhere with out daughter for a bit. I told him that I would only come back if he would work on the things I asked him too. Now, I am not perfect, I have problems I'm sure too, but I told him before I can work on them he needs to tell me what they are, and he refuses to do that unless I point the finger at him.
So we have been working on our issues and for the past two months things have been really good. Barely any fighting, I still can't get him to help with housework, but he has started to do the dirty work with out daughter. His temper has been in check as well.
Then today it was just a HUGE reversal! I worked at noon, he wanted to go golfing in the morning. I told him I didn't think he would have time, I had to be at work so he needed to have Marlow(our daughter). He told me he would have time, they were going early. So against better judgment, and because I knew he was going anyways, I conceded.
By 11:30am he wasn't home and I had to frantically phone around for a baby sitter. I don't drive, and I could of taken a bus, minus the fact that I would of had to be on it ten minutes before. I found a sitter with a lot of begging and a ride. I was late for work. He didn't answer my calls or texts and he didn't bother to say he was going ot be late.
So I go to work until 5pm. Upon which he texts me and tells me he is at his moms(four blocks away) and he would be there shortly. So I sit and wait for almost 20 minutes, then text and ask him if I should just walk. He says yes. So I walk to his moms. Where his mother tells me he hasn't been there since 2pm. So when he told me he was there, he was lying. He wasn't anywhere bad, he was picking up a swing set for our daughter that someone gave us. With his dad. But why lie??
And then he kept asking me why I was mad. Duh. It isn't rocket science!!! I told him I was upset he was so irresponsible earlier. And that it wasn't just me he let down, his daughter was counting on him to care for her, and he put golf before her needs! I told him I was upset he lied, why didn't he just tell me to walk in the first place??
He then proceeded to get mad at me! Like it was my fault. I shouldn't of worked or something. It was two months of good behaviour down the drain.
We have barely talked all evening, and he fell asleep on the couch. And I am leaving him there! He thinks I have no reason to be mad. That he just wanted some time to himself, and that's why I am upset. He doesn't get that I'm upset that his 'time' for himself didn't have the time limits mine does, and that he let his family down because he was so concerend about himself. When I go out for coffee with my best friend, maybe once every week or two, he tells me I can only be gone for an hour and a half max. But he can go golf for four hours and not even call??
On Mothers Day he left me sitting with his mom and he and his dad went golfing for 8 hours. I didn't get to see him at all. And he thinks this is okay? He doesn't understand why I am mad!!
I'm just needing to vent. And maybe get some ideas why in the last few days his attempts at changing have gone to hell? His birthday was two days after Mothers Day, and he was okay that day. I have been trying so hard to do the things he has asked of me. I don't nag as much(and my tongue hurts from biting it!) I make an effort to snuggle with him, even when I know the list of things I have to do in the house are piling up. I'm just so freaking confused!!
I refuse to marry him. We have some issues that need to be worked out before I legally make myself harder to seperate from him.
So we went through a really rough patch, where we fought all the time. Money was tight, our daughter was starting a difficult stage, his family is a big issue and they were breathing down our necks. It got so bad that I packed up and went elsewhere with out daughter for a bit. I told him that I would only come back if he would work on the things I asked him too. Now, I am not perfect, I have problems I'm sure too, but I told him before I can work on them he needs to tell me what they are, and he refuses to do that unless I point the finger at him.
So we have been working on our issues and for the past two months things have been really good. Barely any fighting, I still can't get him to help with housework, but he has started to do the dirty work with out daughter. His temper has been in check as well.
Then today it was just a HUGE reversal! I worked at noon, he wanted to go golfing in the morning. I told him I didn't think he would have time, I had to be at work so he needed to have Marlow(our daughter). He told me he would have time, they were going early. So against better judgment, and because I knew he was going anyways, I conceded.
By 11:30am he wasn't home and I had to frantically phone around for a baby sitter. I don't drive, and I could of taken a bus, minus the fact that I would of had to be on it ten minutes before. I found a sitter with a lot of begging and a ride. I was late for work. He didn't answer my calls or texts and he didn't bother to say he was going ot be late.
So I go to work until 5pm. Upon which he texts me and tells me he is at his moms(four blocks away) and he would be there shortly. So I sit and wait for almost 20 minutes, then text and ask him if I should just walk. He says yes. So I walk to his moms. Where his mother tells me he hasn't been there since 2pm. So when he told me he was there, he was lying. He wasn't anywhere bad, he was picking up a swing set for our daughter that someone gave us. With his dad. But why lie??
And then he kept asking me why I was mad. Duh. It isn't rocket science!!! I told him I was upset he was so irresponsible earlier. And that it wasn't just me he let down, his daughter was counting on him to care for her, and he put golf before her needs! I told him I was upset he lied, why didn't he just tell me to walk in the first place??
He then proceeded to get mad at me! Like it was my fault. I shouldn't of worked or something. It was two months of good behaviour down the drain.
We have barely talked all evening, and he fell asleep on the couch. And I am leaving him there! He thinks I have no reason to be mad. That he just wanted some time to himself, and that's why I am upset. He doesn't get that I'm upset that his 'time' for himself didn't have the time limits mine does, and that he let his family down because he was so concerend about himself. When I go out for coffee with my best friend, maybe once every week or two, he tells me I can only be gone for an hour and a half max. But he can go golf for four hours and not even call??
On Mothers Day he left me sitting with his mom and he and his dad went golfing for 8 hours. I didn't get to see him at all. And he thinks this is okay? He doesn't understand why I am mad!!
I'm just needing to vent. And maybe get some ideas why in the last few days his attempts at changing have gone to hell? His birthday was two days after Mothers Day, and he was okay that day. I have been trying so hard to do the things he has asked of me. I don't nag as much(and my tongue hurts from biting it!) I make an effort to snuggle with him, even when I know the list of things I have to do in the house are piling up. I'm just so freaking confused!!
Sounds like it's time to start setting things up to leave, just in case. Get your driver's license, start putting aside money.
He's lying, he's putting his wants in front of his family's needs, and it doesn't sound like he's working. Right now he's acting like another child for you to take care of. Really, I don't know what to say, because I don't understand how he doesn't see the problem with what happened that day. I think it's time to start preparing things for you and your daughter to make it without him...
And just to verify... are you positive he was with his dad when he was golfing and picking up the swingset? Are you sure that's what he did? Just throwing that out there...
I have a heart condition that has prevented me from getting my license. And the docs just gave me the go ahead, I'll be 25 this summer, to go for it. And truthfully, I'm terrified! I hate driving, I'm not good at it, and what if something happens while I'm driving with my daughter in the back? I have decreased blood flow due to a weak heart, and my limbs can fall asleep without warning, and I have passed out before due to it.
He was working at it, I don't understand why all of a sudden he stopped? He works full time, and I only work part time. But he thinks that my job isn't important, but if I quit, we would be screwed.
I am trying to figure out if something happened that made him act up like a child again. I can tell you my MIL babied him. When he moved out with me, he was 22, and she still cleaned his room, did all his laundry, made all his meals. She bought him everything and cleaned up after him. After 5 years my advances have been small but mighty. He knows how to work a dishwasher now, he mows the lawn and shovels the walk, he will do laundry(minus the last two steps, the folding and putting away). It's taken alot of work to get there.
And now he seems to think that we are encroaching on his freedom. Um....he asked me to marry him, what did he think would happen?? And the kid, sort of planned. Well, we were trying, then decided to stop after a year and some with no luck, and then, tada, after we decided to kabosh it, she decided to be concieved. But he wasn't signing up for the unknown.
He's just really starting to piss me off. Pardon the language.
As for your fiance's behavior well just by reading what you have written I believe some of his behavior might be because of how he was raised. You mentioned on Mother's Day that he and his father decided to go golfing for the entire day and I wondered a bit how his mom felt about that. Perhaps it did not bother her and maybe her marriage with her husband is totally different and she is ok with certain behaviors her husband does.
In saying that I am thinking your fiancee sees how his parents marriage is and their relationship and some of his behavior might be just because of how he was raised. He probably figured you would be mad but also figures you will get over it as that is what he seems to be use to and figures why change it or else just make few changes here and there to keep you satisfied enough not to say anything.
I also think that you both communicate however not in a effective way that lasts. Not sure if you both have considered seeing a counselor but it might be a good idea to think about doing that. If money is an issue don't get discouraged because there are programs that you can participate in based on your income. Even if your fiancee refuses to go I think you should see one as I feel it will help you a great deal in reliving your stress and give you new ways to cope with everything going on right now.
Something else you might want to consider doing with your fiancee is just sit down together and you both should write things down that you like and love about each other even those little small things. After you write these things down then you both should write down things that you both would like to change in your relationship.
For example you want him to help more around the house, he wants more time to golf ect.... Once these things are all written down exchange notebooks and read them. After you read them start out slow and see what types of compromises you both can be comfortable with. Now remember this will take more then just words action from both of you is the key to make sure the changes take effect and stay effective. If they do not it is time to reevaluate the situation to find out why it is not working or why you or him got off track.
Now I also noticed that your fiancee seems to have a problem with being on time and not being dependable. So until things can be worked out where you can trust him and what he says it is better not to rely on him for babysitting or doing things you know that have a time limit to get done.
If this means you need to take a bus to work then do so rather then depend on him to give you rides. You can always at some point work out arrangements to start driving yourself when things get better as i do not know the reasons why you are not driving and that isn't any of my business but I do think it would be good if you can start doing that because it will give you a sense of independence and freedom.
The other thing you may want to check out is support groups for moms in your local community. These are kind of cool because it gives you a chance to meet with other mom's and their kids to talk and vent about trying to work, run a household, taking care of the kids and so on.
It also is a place where mom's can group together and help each other out by doing things for each other such as watching each other kids when needed or even simple things like running to grocery stores, doctors appointments and many other things. I think this type of group would help you out a lot.
Anyway these are just some suggestions to consider and perhaps by trying some of them out things will start to get better. I do agree though that you should never fully depend on another person married or not when it comes to the future. It is wise to always to have some money tucked away for security and places to go if things do not work out. I think you feel a whole lot better just knowing that have other ways to survive and raise your daughter without the fear of being abandoned and left with absolutely nothing. That fear alone makes so many people to afraid to rock the boat and the end result they live for many years in sad relationship. Don't let that happen to you focus on making changes not just with your fiancee but yourself as well.
Wishing you the very best and hoping much happier days find you very soon:)
One of my downfalls is that I can't hold a grudge. In my life I long ago decided that being angry was a waste of time and energy. And as a little girl I taught myself to forgive and forget, fast. So now it is impossible for me to hold a grudge, seriously. Two days max and I've let go of my hurt and anger. And he knows this. So when he makes me mad he knows he just has to ride out the short wave and it will be smoothed over.
Plus, we made a deal to never let our daughter hear us fight. So after she is in bed we speak in angry whispers. And I think I seem alot less menacing whispering that I'm mad at him.
His mother and father have a messed up relationship. Where as my dad passed away when I was 7, and I have never been privy to the inner workings of a marriage. All I have to go off of is what I think it should be, where he goes off of what he's seen. His dad worked out of the home for most of his child hood, travelling around the world, and when his parents are together they are so used to not being concerned about another person, that they forget.
You are very smart, I can see you are very strong, because I can very well relate to some of your experiences, such as living with a heart problem, being a parent...
I read your posts about your situation and A few things crossed my mind. One of them is this : it is difficult for me to understand why someone would say " oh I won't marry this person because of a,b and c, but I live with them, we run a household in the same way married couples do and most of all we have KIDS "
To me having a child with someone is stronger and more important than any marriage contract, because of the implications it carries not only for the couple, but for this child they are raising.
All relationships have problems, but for your child to grow up a mentally healthy human you need to determine if this man is good for your child.
My mother yanked me out of the house every time she had a fight with my step father , so for 3 years I had to change schools back and forth.
I know your daughter is little yet and she doesn't understand, but the older she gets the harder it will be for her not to see her parents argue and mistreat each other.
Leaving you to sit there and worry without a ride seemingly is an invisible event for a 2 year old, but trust me, children fee our energy, they feel our sadness, frustration, anger and sometimes they may think the parent is angry at them, but they won't tell u this, because they are too little and have no idea how to even talk about these issues and we can't really know this because we are wrapped up in our emotions and our relationships, while kids sit there and watch us.
If i knew what I know now, things would have been very diffent in my household.
All innate to say is, you deserve to be treated with love, respect and consideration. In his family is seems to be normal for men to treat their women like crap. Maybe this is all he knows. Someone needs to show his different.