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Anxiety after dating abusers

mangymoosemaine
mangymoosemaine

I just entered into a new relationship with the sweetest guy.  We just made things official today when he asked me to be his girlfriend.  I was happy to say yes.  All of our friends say we are great together, we have everything in common, and we have so much fun.  He is deeply respectful of boundaries, always makes sure I feel safe, and we laugh until it hurts all the time.  


It's honestly wonderful, but I have anxieties from past relationships.  Any little thing can set it off.  Like today I could tell he was just a little sad when it came time for me to leave.  We were texting after I got home and I sent him a picture of the view.  He told me he wished he could be there with me.  I reminded him that we would see each other on our next date in a day or so.  He said he was looking forward to it.  It was all pretty normal, right? But there is this hypervigilant part of me that remembers an ex who used to get angry when I went home, who used to pressure me to stay, and that part of me is so scared that he will stop just being a little sad someday, that he will stop just saying, "oh I miss you it would be nice to be next to you right now" and will start being controlling and manipulative, not allowing me to have space.


If his text message is a little short I will start thinking that he is punishing me or that he is about to blow up.


I am trying to remind myself that those are old ghosts, to take things one day at a time and see him as a new person, but he is the first man I've been involved with in a while and sometimes it scares me, you know?  I feel so hypervigilant.  If he even tells his dog to get down in a stern voice, I get anxious and go back to a dark place in my mind.  Any one else dealing with this? He knows I have a history of being abused and has been nothing but compassionate about it.  He is always very careful about making sure I feel safe.  He even asked if it was okay to kiss me the first time.  It's just hard not to be afraid.

Remiah
Remiah
Hi,

I'm happy about your new relationship and that it's going so well for now. In spite of the mental chess game, we all battle the mind games at the start of new relationships, especially when coming out of bad old ones, I'd just give yourself some time to adjust. This really is a delicate situation for you. Though you may have better success by waiting for the words, "I don't understand you," to come from his lips. Best is that he will simply encourage you to talk about your true feelings (get troubling things aired out while he is sensitive to your needs). Right now it's just too risky to open up old chapters around him. Otherwise, he may sense that something is intentionally being held back from his attention. He may further be inclined to take a curb action by noticing your physical impulses are coming on too strong. Stay calm. This seems like a great start to a new love match. I hope so!
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Have you been in any therapy for trauma sweetie?..... Getting some help for you might help you to deal with this

It's not surprising that you are on high alert.... These are also really stressful times that we're in.... Big hug.... It's great that you've met someone kind and thoughtful..... xo
urbangardener
urbangardener
Knowing one is hyper vigilant is the first step. I applaud you that you are able to recognize your feelings and possible irrational thoughts. A technique I learned in therapy is to counter these negative and irrational thoughts. I sometimes tell myself "stop" and I sometimes write it down in a journal. You might try writing things down at the end of each day, when you come home. It helps to switch off the brain. I also use mantras sometimes to counter what my irrational brain is telling me. When I am feeling less confident or beating myself up, I will use something like "I have value and worth." I read them over and over and then I get to where the irrational thought comes into my head, I say hello to it, I recognize it, and then I automatically counter with the mantra or a rational thought. I also second getting what is called trauma based therapy. My understanding is that it helps with the PTSD like symptoms and the counter productive thinking. Your brain and body has experienced some bad things and sometimes they stay in the fight or flight stuff, the reliving the experience. I admire you for being very self aware.
chaoticjoy
chaoticjoy
First off, congratulations on the new relationship. Although it has been awhile since I have felt this way, I can completely relate to how you are feeling. My first relationship was one of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. It did take years to get from that unhealthy relationship to a healthy, loving marriage. (One I can honesty say I never thought I would find) I think that when we are in these unhealthy relationships we begin to think that there are no good ones left, that it is impossible to find someone who will love us and treat us with respect, but I can tell you from experience that this isn't true. I think you are on the right path, you are recognizing these feelings and seeing them for what they are, your mind trying to protect you from future hurt. It is amazing how our brains can spiral out of control with things like this. These thoughts and feelings are completely normal, and as you let him in a little more and more each day they will begin to fade. Just take things slow and explain to him why you are doing this, he will understand. Keep doing what you are doing, take things one day at a time, open up about your feelings, and slowly let this guy be part of your life, he could be the one God meant for you..... Prayers to you!
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