So, he is drinking because of PTSD.
PTSD symptoms include trigger - a situation or an event or an object triggers a memory of and then a feeling of trauma.
People frequently relive trauma over and over and over. It is called “ flash back”
Dealing with flashbacks on daily basis is exhausting. You have to talk yourself down from it every time all day long.
You can’t sleep, because you are in a hightened sense of alert, a constant state of fight or flight readiness.
You can’t concentrate on anything and eventually you just can’t deal with this.
Besides mental anguish, out have rapid heart rate, sweating, high blood pressure, shortness of breath and dizziness from hyperventilation.
Your body is releasing a crap ton of stress hormones, which give you chest pain, nausea, shaking and make you hyperventilate.
People around you can’t underatand why you are not functioning. You can’t sleep because you have nightmares and when you wake up, you feel like you are going to die.
PTSD doesn’t go away with medications, love or alcohol.
Maybe people with PTSD can’t work.
I was trained to handle PTSD since I was a child and when something really bad happened ( several times) and I got it, I knew how to deal with it. Most people are not this lucky.
I returned to work, I m basically OK and my trauma mostly happened when I was older, only a few things when I was a kid.
I don’t drink to feel better, but I can go on good binges for a day or 2.
Your role in this is to have a balance between a supporter and a drill seargeant.
If you baby him too much, he will continue to self destruct and if you are too harsh, he will self destruct too.
If you go to therapy, find out what exactly you should be doing for your bf.

My bf and I both have PTSD. He doesn’t like to talk about it and relies on God. It is better for him to focus on the present and forget the past.
For me, reflection on the past makes sense of my present. I don’t mind talking about my trauma, because keeping it in just escalated everything.

Good luck and I m glad he is taking steps to feel better.

Thank you for this it really helped me understand what his deal is. Idk what he has PTSD from because he won't talk about it and like your man, he wants to forget the past. But what you described fits him to a T. He has insomnia, fidgets, restless legs syndrome. I've tried getting him vitamins but he just wants to drink all the time and sneak up in the middle of the night to smoke weed. One night my mom found him unconscious and not breathing in the bathroom floor with a can of air duster in his hand, a week after he got out of the hospital with a collapsed lung. It's like he doesn't want to be in his own body. I've just never understood addicts. I've had a lot of bad shit happen to me too and it never occurs to me to go fry my brain on acid or some other dope. When I tell him this he says it's because I'm close minded and that "some people actually want to expand their minds." It makes me so angry that he wants to hang out with his loser friends and buy drugs instead of paying attention to me. I've tried to break up with him idk how many times because I can't deal with the stress and insanity he brings me, but he won't leave and he plays the pity card every time and gets my mom on his side so she guilt trips me into letting him stay. Of course then that makes his anxiety worse. If I had know to begin with that he did drugs and didn't have a license I never would have dated him, but he managed to hide those things from me for months. How am I supposed to deal with him if I don't even know what his triggers are or why he has PTSD? It's like a guessing game where I can't enjoy anything and am always babysitting.

Have to correct my writing - I was taking about food binges for me, not drinking

You can’t fix him. He needs to go to rehab and do detox and counseling, get on the meds and go to AA.

You said, “If I had know to begin with that he did drugs and didn't have a license I never would have dated him.”

Not knowing then doesn’t mean you now are stuck with him and his behavior forever. You know now, so it’s really up to you what you want to do.

At some point you really need to really understand you have control over your own life and how you live. He acts the way he does because he’s allowed to.

Want better for yourself.

These are signs and symptoms of PTSD which is an anxiety disorder

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms#

PTSD is basically a normal reaction to a horrific or devastating event or series of events

So he may be self medicating due to this however what he's doing is only making it worse

I would consider asking for a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders specifically trauma..... as well perhaps a dual diagnosis since he's now struggling with alcoholism

I would also suggest he asks for a psychiatric referral in case he does need to be on some medication at least for a while?? at least this is what I would do

It's great that he's seeking help.....it's wonderful that you're supportive however I agree that 'he' needs to do this for himself

A place like Al anon might be a big support for you..... xo

After his doc appointment yesterday he was put on a med that he can't drink at all with. My mom and I have both told him we feel this is a good thing and that he doesn't need to be drinking. He also got a script for antiinflammatories and a muscle relaxer for his shoulder, so drinking because of pain won't be an excuse now. It took him being in the hospital to quit smoking, so maybe this will help him quit drinking.
I'm just trying to have hope and not blame myself. When we first started dating he didn't drink but he never told me why. I was a bartender so I liked going out to wineries and breweries for dates. I guess that got him started and now I know he didn't used to drink because he has a problem. I hate that it has gotten like this but I also don't want to give up on him after putting over a year of my time into this. He has come a long way but I feel he is backsliding. Should I just keep riding him about seeing a therapist?
I know everyone thinks I'm an idiot for staying with him.

No one thinks your an idiot Ghost..... I think he will need support while going through this big change

He's made a huge step in the right direction and that's wonderful

If he has PTSD a trauma therapist can help a great deal.... A support group like AA is free and peer support.... and the meetings are all over

Al anon might be a really good support for you.... Gentle hug......xo

Thanks Sunny.
I will try to figure something out. We both need to make new friends. All my friends are older and married with kids, while his are a bunch of punks. He knows they are a bad influence but I can't rly expect him to stay home on his days off while I'm at work, and his new friends at his job are barflies. I'm hoping after tax time we can join a gym or something healthy.

Ghost
I do hope this is the turnaround he needed to get on the right track. As a recovering alcoholic, reading this thread, with your comments I can literally feel the pressure of figuring this out for him. While letting him know your thoughts, recommendations & simply what you’d like to see him do, try your best to remind yourself that you can’t “fix” him. It sounds like he’s really suffering with some heavy things mentally. It sounds like one addiction type thing is replacing the other. He’s got to make the choice to be happier & sober. He’s got to choose to not let his friends drag him down while you’re at work. As you explain things, I hurt for you because you sound more parental than intimate. When I stopped drugs and drinking, it wasn’t for my husband or my children. It wasn’t because my mother would cry & beg me to get help. I had to make the decision that I wanted help. Until that moment, you will most likely remain in this role with him. My husband loved me so much and wanted so badly for me to quit & be healthy....which is how he became my biggest enabler. At some point sweetheart, you’ll need to look in the mirror and figure out is this a happy fulfilling place for you. I hope for both of your sakes he can pull himself out of this and get help. Hopefully this is his turning point. Hopefully he will be able continue his not smoking and the rest will do nothing but get better.
You sound like a very sweet gentle soul. You have a good heart. Which is also why I could hear you up there taking a bit of blame for his actions. No. This isn’t on you sweet girl. This is his struggles. His demons. You stand tall, confident & do your best to support him with all his foreword moving efforts.
Angi
;-)

Ghost, I don’t think you are an idiot. I think when involved in a dysfunctional relationship, and relationships with addicts and really damaged people are dysfunctional, it skews perception and makes it hard to step back and really see the situation for what it is and the role everyone plays. You trying so hard to fix things and holding onto hope is painful to see. People here just want you to recognize you have to really take care of yourself.

You don’t want to normalize anything about your situation. That happens too when in a dysfunctional relationship

Thanks Angi I do always try to give positive affirmation when he does something good and be encouraging. The problem is, idk what to do when he does something bad other than kick him out, which I have done, and he always comes back and behaves for a few days before he goes back to his deadbeat friends again. I do feel like his parent, and I have told him this. It's like he is trapped as a teenager. It's frustrating but he is still a human being with feelings. Threatening to make him homeless is just going to make his issues worse. No one is perfect. Is it really better to give up on my bf and rely on the uncertainty that there might be a perfect man out there? How many years will I waste alone and childless, only to realize I've waited too long? At least I feel like I am making progress with my current bf. I have never met a man who didn't suffer from addiction.
Rmb can you please explain what you mean by normalize? Like I didn't think it was possible to define normal. I'm just rly confused.

If I were you I would watch some episodes of Intervention on Youtube...... They have whole episodes

Addiction is an illness

Stating that 'I have never met a man who didn't suffer from addiction" is something within you sweetie and that's why I suggested Al anon for you

There are a lot of men who don't suffer from addiction..... Do you mind if I ask if you grew up in an 'addicted household"?

Right now you're his caregiver and not his partner.... This will be a really unbalanced relationship if it doesn't change

Gentle hug.......xo

Ghost:

“The problem is, idk what to do when he does something bad other than kick him out, which I have done, and he always comes back and behaves for a few days before he goes back to his deadbeat friends again.”
If he’s leaving you with no other choice but to kick him out, that places you in a commitment to a cycle that never ends.

“Threatening to make him homeless is just going to make his issues worse.” It seems he’s allowed you to feel as if this is your fault. You’re placing blame on yourself because he’s choosing to act like a teenager as you said. & not a productive teenager at that.

“No one is perfect. Is it really better to give up on my bf and rely on the uncertainty that there might be a perfect man out there? How many years will I waste alone and childless, only to realize I've waited too long? At least I feel like I am making progress with my current bf. I have never met a man who didn't suffer from addiction. “
No is perfect is something we all sometimes say when we can’t justify ours or other’s else’s actions. I recognize it because I’ve done it myself.

The answer is yes. If he continues not being a productive part of this relationship with you, as well as being self-destructive, then yes, it is better. It’s not about giving up on him, it’s about realizing this relationship is draining your happiness and quality of life. A relationship where you have to continuously save someone who can’t devote real time to help themselves will spiral downhill & suck the life out of you. Life is full of uncertainties. There’s never guarantees. However you’ve got to look out for your happiness. Is this situation making you happy? How long will he be allowed to continue destructive behavior in your life before you decide it’s enough? Aren’t you worth more than this? I used to continuously stay resentful, hurt & disappointed in my relationship. I would always find myself on the receiving end of inconsoderations and expectations were never met. I finally realized I was in my own cycle of self-destruction. What I was doing was putting all my happiness into the hands of a man who couldn’t even find his own. I realized not only is that unfair to me, it was unfair to him. I was creating my own misery.
Sometimes letting someone go is the only way they can find themselves and what they want out of life. Right now it sounds like he already knows your reactions & has nothing to lose. Sweetheart please try super hard to not cheat yourself out of life. You mentioned waste. Maybe reflect on past circumstances & keep an eye out now on how much time in a day or week you sir disappointed or hurt or have your love disregarded. Keep a mental journal. Better yet, keep an actual journal. Be brief if you like but detailed & specific with dates and times. Write down anytime something happens. You then can mentally & visually see how much time in your life your wasting. Sounds corny I know. But what a perfect way for you to see what’s happening in your life where you can’t second guess yourself or doubt a situation you experienced.
You are driven. I can hear it. You want a future & children. When we seek true happiness we can’t settle. You need to do some things that bring you happiness. You. Whether he decides to be a part of it or not. Love shouldn’t leave you constantly needing support.
Build your own foundation to where people have to step up to where you are in life, not where you have to step down in life to be with them.
Aren’t you worth that?