Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Well its been a while DS friends.
I have been trying to focus on myself and getting myself together.
Which I feel like I have done somewhat. I have started some re-training and have a new career for 2016 so its looking good.
I have been re-reading my posts on here over the last few years, nothing much has changed. I still feel very dissatisfied with life and with my situation and relationship.
I don't feel inclined to leave or want to stay.
I am pretty sure I don't love him.
Im not even sure I like him!
The issue of not feeling at home in this house is still there - is that whats causing me so much discomfort?
( My H works from home and we have staff who work within the home office every day, I don't feel I can relax at all! I have no privacy and I struggle to focus on my stuff with people in my house, its hard to explain!)
The issue of him doing strange and hurtful things is still there.
Yesterday he tad me he had decided to take a third pay cut. When I asked him why he didn't discuss it with me and he said 'what was the point I wouldn't understand' I felt so angry and sad that he had that impression of me.
He asked me to keep today free so we could spend some time together as I have been on a course this weekend and then last night he told me he was on a training course all day and wouldn't see me til 8pm tonight. That sort of thoughtless actions hurt me and make me feel insignificant.
I am now really bored with our sex life, no matter how much I have tried to spice it up! He just doesn't turn me on really. I suppose because Im not in love with him and have all these other feelings buzzing around my head.
Im feeling really unsettled, not knowing which way to jump. Should I leave or should I go. He sears he loves me and Im sure he thinks he does. His actions don't say that to me and I have become more and more disillusioned as time goes by.
Any advice? How do I start to work out what I want or how I feel?
I have been trying to focus on myself and getting myself together.
Which I feel like I have done somewhat. I have started some re-training and have a new career for 2016 so its looking good.
I have been re-reading my posts on here over the last few years, nothing much has changed. I still feel very dissatisfied with life and with my situation and relationship.
I don't feel inclined to leave or want to stay.
I am pretty sure I don't love him.
Im not even sure I like him!
The issue of not feeling at home in this house is still there - is that whats causing me so much discomfort?
( My H works from home and we have staff who work within the home office every day, I don't feel I can relax at all! I have no privacy and I struggle to focus on my stuff with people in my house, its hard to explain!)
The issue of him doing strange and hurtful things is still there.
Yesterday he tad me he had decided to take a third pay cut. When I asked him why he didn't discuss it with me and he said 'what was the point I wouldn't understand' I felt so angry and sad that he had that impression of me.
He asked me to keep today free so we could spend some time together as I have been on a course this weekend and then last night he told me he was on a training course all day and wouldn't see me til 8pm tonight. That sort of thoughtless actions hurt me and make me feel insignificant.
I am now really bored with our sex life, no matter how much I have tried to spice it up! He just doesn't turn me on really. I suppose because Im not in love with him and have all these other feelings buzzing around my head.
Im feeling really unsettled, not knowing which way to jump. Should I leave or should I go. He sears he loves me and Im sure he thinks he does. His actions don't say that to me and I have become more and more disillusioned as time goes by.
Any advice? How do I start to work out what I want or how I feel?
He has been abusing you for years. This is not what love is.
I would not be able to have sex with someone who calls me
" f---ng stupid bitch " .
No amount of counseling or money can make a person feel better about staying in this relationship.
I truly how that you fill find the strength to stop making excuses why you should remain there and start living life for you and your daughter.
I wish you all the best
It wouldn't occur to him that him asking me keep today free and then him being busy would be upsetting or frustrating for me. He really is oblivious to other peoples feelings, it just isn't something he can understand at all.
Although I have been ill this year and he was really ok then. I lost my hair and felt pretty crap. But then we still had a row about why I wasn't doing enough housework, I said I expected him to do some too and he said that he didn't see that as his role. He earns the money, I do the housework - thats all he sees.
I have thought about you many times. Wondering how are you are and hoping that you got away from this man.
I agree with Aronia, once you get away you will feel SO much better.
You are so entrenched in this that you can't see the truth.
I have come a long way but I do keep slipping back.
I appreciate your advice. I just feel like Im ambivalent about the whole thing and I would like to decide one way or the other.
You are still making excuses for what he does and rationalizing why it is okay. I think this is the first step to healing yourself.
So do I say to him later, that was very thoughtless of you and it made me feel like you don't consider my time is valuable.
or do I just decide when he asks me to leave some time for him I just don't.
Whats the best approach?
If he calls you names, that definitely needs to be addressed right away.
I suppose I need to establish where my own boundaries are and stick with them.
If he calls you names you can say to him " I will not respond to you, until you address me by my name. You are not allowed to belittle me"
Sunny, may I ask you - how did you get into this situation to begin with? Did you grow up in an environment where belittling a woman was okay? Was your mother a good role model?
My sister and I both have a history of getting involved with abusive men because our parents were neglectful, borderline abusive. We both had low self esteem and serious mommy/daddy issues and it took years to work through them and stop getting involved with these types of men like your husband.
My parents were both pretty distant and very wrapped up in each other, they had no life outside the marriage at all.
My parents often say they have no idea how I have ended up having such low self esteem and why I don't know how to understand the difference between good and bad treatment. My Dad says I am 'desperate' and 'needy' as well as insecure. my Mum just make the right noises and looks away mostly. We usually don't discuss anything emotional. My Dad is an orphan and my Mum an only child.
They were very young parents, 19 and 20. So I understand that their parenting may not be helpful as I grew up. Not blaming them though. Im the one who has the power over myself.
So how did I get here?
Well I met my H when I was feeling pretty vulnerable, couldn't find work, worried about how to keep the roof over my headthen along came H and wanted to take care of me. I caved in.
It is like he completely takes off any responsibility for his parenting approach... I am so sorry that you had to grow up this way.
"stupid fffffffffing b" is a major no go
at best he is oblivious to you, he is abusive, why are you still with him