We have a codependent relationship so it could have something to do with having control over my emotions and situations, or the fighting could be a normal part of any relationship. I hate it and I'm so unhappy.

Yesterday I pointed out a couple and said they were weird and he spun it on me, saying I'm weird. I expressed how it made me upset and to stop turning everything on me and I got really mad, and he said "oh okay I apologized and you won't stop. There's no point. No point with you." which made me feel like shit. Like what I was saying didn't matter. Like how I felt didnt matter.

Mayne I should be posting this in the codependancy section again.... I want to believe we can make this work. We have a beautiful apartment. Our lives and family are intertwined. I would feel great guilt toward his mother if I left.

Why does he do it?

Either it is his nature to be contrary. Some people are like that - by contradicting what others say and think, they feel superior. Or it may be that he does this intentionally because he enjoys getting a rise out of you. He knows then he pushes your buttons, you respond is a predictable way. It is a game to him.

So quit playing the game. Quit responding in the predictable manner; if fact, quit responding at all. When he no longer finds amusement in taunting you, hopefully he will stop doing so.

But this is just a little symptom of a much bigger problem. This is an unhealthy relationship. You know it. The only way to make it better is to get out of the relationship entirely.

Ask yourself if the beautiful apartment is worth your unhappiness. Are you willing to be beholden to his mother at the sake of your happiness?

You have control over your emotions. You have the power to change situations you find unsettling.

Yes. I am trying to control my reactions and emotions. I know with not smoking it's going to be a lot harder. He always says that too, when I react and say "I'm going to bed now..." he will say, here we go, Maria's mad for the rest of the night now! It is like a game to him.

I don't know how to not react sometimes. It's like he will keep going with things until he hits a nerve.

No one can get under your skin unless you let them. Stop letting him. If he says stuff you don’t like maybe let it just roll off of you or react in a different way than you usually react. Sounds like you guys do a lot of picking at each other. That would drive me absolutely nuts to be going at it like that. I’d rather have a big old fight than hen pecking the shit out of each other day in and day out.

Only one here that you can control is yourself. If you start making changes to how you behave and feel, he may change how he behaves and feels but who know. Sounds deeper than that.

You calling another couple weird isn’t kind so maybe he was trying to make a point by calling you weird, to say, aren’t we all a little weird. I don’t know. To me it seems like a silly thing to get mad about. But if there’s ongoing issues, I’m sure every little thing starts to bug both of you.

I know how it sounds... But I got angry not at the single instance of him calling me weird... It was said almost in a derogatory way. Like it was a bad thing. And when little things are said like that to a person all the time, it gets extremely irritating and makes you feel like shit.

Yup, I often get that feeling from just about everybody who is close enough to stir up my emotions. My husband is top on that list, closely followed by my adult children. What's worse, is that feeling usually goes both ways. When we are spatting, they think I'm pissing them off on purpose, too.

Backing off for a while usually gives us time and space to remember we love each other, even when we are showing it badly.

But that is me. Gentle support while you figure your own.

Both don't have the same goals.

The alcoholic who does not want to change will try and change others to suit their own need to not change. In many cases, they will, and seemingly unknowingly at times, try to get the other persn to drink too, or worse, to relapse. All this to avoid feeling guilty of not wanting to deal with their own drinking problem.
Denial is rife in alcoholism. It is a dysfuntional personality that tells you you don't have a dysfunctional personality.

all partners piss on each other from time to time. when my boyfriend pisses me i just ignore him till he gets an attitude adjustment from loneliness. hanging with friends usually causes him to smarten up.

I know Peat is right and to admit that to myself is the scariest part because it demands change. When it is so comfortable to just go with the flow. To succumb to the way things were and are.

I need to put in the work. I need to learn how to sit in my own uncomfortable mind and not give in to the things I know are horrible for me

You GO LetGoBreathe
You are on your way to your beloved Destiny. We are all. We all
have to Sit In Uncomfortable Seats. You are so Crystal.
Thanks to Peat- those words of knowledge-Words of truth.
Listen .....................................................................................................................................................................
Go Deep into Yourself-Embrace and Hold Yourself and with all your Might
Pull Out the courage to take those steps that the Universe has paved 'so perfectly for you.Let Nothing Stop You.
N.........O.............T.............H..............I...............N.....................G

TIME is Very Very Very Precious. Teach Yourself to not Squander it and
use it professionally and in a mindful manner.

Care for your body and what you are putting in to It- because later
in life It will Care For You when you need it most.

Always here with a compassionate listening ear <3

Good on you LettGoBreathe.

It's okay to feel horrible, Its truth is bearable, after all, we are not perfect, like everybody else.

Here is a tip:
Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Suffering is a negative story, we harbour, about the pain. When we believe this story, we experience suffering.
Example: "I can't bear this pain". "It's too horrible to contemplate". "It's driving me crazy". . .

If you stop the story, the pain becomes bearable, if not a strange feeling or sensation _ a curiosity.

Opposite example: You're working in the garden, enjoying what you are doing. Then you pack up and go inside to wash up. You notice a trail of dry blood done your leg/arm and wonder "When did that happen?"

Facing yourself is similar. What you need to accept is that you are not perfect, and have lead an imperfect life from the start, and will continue to be imperfect. The difference is that you will eventually no longer need to create a cover-story to avoid its truth. Instead, you will acknowledge your truth and accept it.

What kind of life is that?
No one to blame, resent, or be angry about. Accepting everything not going your way. Truthfulness and serenity will become your primary goal in life, only because you will desire it above anything else. No longer living a life of fear of the unknown or unexpected. Not only understand yourself better, but of those around you.

Sounds like you are aware which is great. Being uncomfortable won’t kill you. Remind yourself of that.

Making a lot of personal changes at one time can be overwhelming and can set you up to fail. Maybe change one or two things at a time. Be kind to yourself if you stumble. It’s ok. But just worry about you for now, and the things you want to change in yourself. Everything starts with us. That’s some power.

Thanks for the comments. I was asked today to spend my last 20 dollars (which I need because my credit card interest goes through) and he asked me to buy him beer with it. I said no and he got pissed and insulted me but I held firm and just drove home. He later apologized. I have to remind myself to not hate him when the addiction speaks for him. Or maybe I'm being naive and he is just an asshole. Either way I am learning to not be scared to stick to my boundaries.

Good for you for sticking to your guns.

Yep, keep doing that. It’ll get easier the more you get comfortable doing that. Be proud of yourself!