I don’t think he does it because he thinks you aren’t adequate. I suspect he’s either got a porn addiction or he is just very immature and emotionally stunted. You are justified in telling him it’s pretty pathetic.

But your reasons for you being upset by it seem more grounded in your lack of self esteem vs it just being sort of unbecoming of a man who should be more invested in being a good partner.

I think your self image and feelings about your body and self worth are your issues to address. You choose to keep having children with a man who discards your feelings and doesn’t care. You let him have sex with you even when you are upset and feel hurt. Those are things that are really about how you feel about yourself.

I don’t think he will change because there is no incentive for him to change. You get upset, but set no boundaries, and yet, continue to be his partner, have his children, etc.

I’m not judging you so please know that. I just think at some point you settled for this turd, and settling for a turd is tied to low self esteem.

If you have daughters, you want to model self esteem, self worth etc. And your loser of a partner might want to think more critically about viewing sexually explicit photos of women. They are someone’s daughters too. What if it were his daughter? Would he want some pathetic creep like himself leering and commenting on videos of his daughter? Probably not.

Yes you are right I do have low self esteem. It gets worse while I’m pregnant and this is the last one full stop.

To help me fall asleep last night I tried to believe that it doesn’t matter because let’s face it the pictures and some of the women were attractive and to accept that is to accept myself.

I agree he is emotionally stunted. He is over 30 years old and he can never apologise for anything. I do set boundaries or at least I’ve tried and he just carries on at me that I’m controlling and selfish etc it just never worked and caused more issues.

I only have sex with him when I’m upset because I don’t feel anything, I honestly don’t care if we break up. I’m only here because despite his flaws he can be a good dad, and his kids do love him and we aren’t always toxic. In fact for the most part we are very good and content with everything.

I’m still not happy and I will bring it up when I’m calm and able to discuss my side calmly but I know he will carry on regardless of how I conduct myself and somehow make it my fault or dismiss me. I know I’m pathetic (face palm)

But it does matter.

And all you can do is manage you. Regardless of how he responds or acts, you have to set a bar. If he can’t reach it or doesn’t want to, is it worth lowering yourself instead? Try to love yourself a little bit more. You’re worth it.

Hi Want,

I remember you from years ago. I can't believe he is still doing this. Ugh.

Setting boundaries means there are consequences if he crosses those boundaries. Whatever your consequences are, is up to you. But, you have to stick to your guns.

Having sex with him when you're upset isn't good.

This has nothing to do with you or how you look. You are the mother of his children, for goodness sake. He should be treating you with the utmost respect. And he should grow the hell up. He should be an example for his kids. (Tell him these things).

I would probably be snarky and ask him how he would feel if you looked at guys with great muscular bodies?? And then I would do it, too (just for awhile, so he can see how it feels to be on the other side).

But aside from this, have a serious talk with him. Stand your ground. Set your boundaries (but you MUST stick to your boundaries!!). Also tell him - what if our kids saw these pictures/videos, or saw him looking at them?

See what he says. But, be firm this time. He does it because you let him and you cave in and there are no consequences. You have to tell him and be serious about it.

What he is doing sounds very excessive and I would not put up with his probable porn addiction. And to be honest... you should be aware that he might meet these girls in person.... so, be on the lookout for any in-person cheating.

Look up what a person with narcissistic personality disorder is like. It sounds like your partner has some serious issues and easily disdains others. Porn is actually a disdain of women (or men if that is the choice to look at). In other words, it demeans women because women are simply a sexual object not a real human being. It is not human to human connection it is using their body for one's own gratification. The woman's role is to "satisfy" the man by their body, their porn actions, it is using that person. That alone would turn off many/most women who want to feel love while they make love. I suspect you recognize this aspect of his porn usage and demeaning of women but maybe you don't fully understand that your lack of desire is tied up to this issue of it not being true love making with this man, it is use of your body. Most of us feel some kind of negative way about this type of thing.

The real issue is why do we chose a partner like this? It is our journey in life to figure out how to strengthen our own inner selves to change to find this type of behavior unacceptable. It is about our own inner "stuff". I know I was there. I think my ex did a lot of stuff he hid from me including porn, because he suddenly turned sexually abusive. From "normal" to sexually abusive and would not listen to my no, I don't like this.

I had a bunch of kids and felt like I had to maintain the marriage until the last one was old enough not to have to go to his house for custody. I knew from how he treated the kids that custody for them at his house would be very bad. They would be neglected and possibly one would be hit (as my ex tended to hit him during the marriage but I was able to deflect and tell ex no, this is wrong). I was just trying to maintain normal but I now realize there is no normal with a person so disordered they can't be a good spouse or partner.

You can't change him. You can set internal boundaries with what YOU will accept from him. Meaning you decide you won't allow anyone to say X to you and you then internally stand against this by whatever it takes within yourself.

Please read The New Codependency by Beatty. Start to strengthen your own self internally, in your thinking. Just divorcing him isn't the answer, it will be complicated. Seek good legal help right now if you are considering it. What if he gets half custody and has the kids half the week or he show somehow that you are an unfit mother and gets total custody. I've seen some people get very vindictive in a divorce. My ex was very vindictive in our divorce and did parental alienation. The only adult child of mine who did not follow into the parental alienation was the one he used to hit.

They want to look good to the world and will do anything they can to demean and ruin the person who is showing the world the truth about them. Read up on narcissism if you think your spouse has this. You must get educated first and foremost.

Plan a year to educate yourself and get therapy for yourself. Do not demand he change, he won't or can't. It is about you rescuing yourself now. You've also got a new baby involved soon. Be kind to yourself and recognize the dynamics of the family and get good legal advice, read up some self help books, and take it one baby step at a time. Best wishes to you. You can do this.

Big hug for you wanttobehappy....... I'm sorry that you're hurting..... I think that we are all justified in how we feel.... It's our perception thus our reality

I do agree that this seems to be more about porn and fantasy than anything else....

A lot of people and more often men are into this..... I don't think it's about wanting to put you down as much as simply a fantasy much like Playboy or Penthouse used to be

I have a big crush on Brad Pitt but it's not a real thing of course

I agree with what other's have written about boundaries need to have consequences

He may not understand how something that is just fantasy could really hurt you... Perhaps you need to sit down together and have a calm discussion or maybe do it with the help of a therapist so that you can really "hear" one another

I think women are at their loveliest when they're pregnant.... Another big hug of comfort and support..... xo

Hi there. I like what Suncloud said. Of course you're justified in feeling what arises. In fact embracing our feelings is good practice to elevate our self esteem. I deserve to breathe and feel, it doesn't get more basic.
So I'm going to take a middle road in my response. I read your post a few days ago and really gave it some thought. Several things come to mind for me. As a guy I have some experience with some of what your husband may be going through. First off its important to note that I've found (generally) that men are quite immature with sexual feelings compared to women. I've spent the last five years trying to become a healthier person and this aspect has given me some challenges. A huge hurdle has been to look at my expectations and work to see if they're reasonable. I have found that often my expectations are coming from teenager me not adult me. Learned behavior that I wasn't aware of. Yes we men need to grow up and not be so needy. It is possible that some of this is hard wired like hiccups or goosebumps...IDK, maybe that's a poor excuse. So before we label him narcissist and sign him off as worthless I have to wonder if he and I have common ground. My kids are adults now (2, can't even imagine 4) but when they were young I worked a lot and had some expectations for sex that ,looking back, were childish. Like when I was relaxed and we had some time that's what should happen. If she 'wasn't in the mood' it would sometimes feel like rejection. If I had a smart phone back then I totally would have checked out some titties. Being honest here. I know, childish, but that's what would arise because I didn't know how to look inward at this stuff. Now with some maturity I can see my behavior. I don't know about him but, for me, at 10 years in, I was in a pretty deep rut and felt a bit trapped. Now I know that it was my perception and shallow connection with myself. When I learned that I'm my own best friend and that we're all in this life thing together so better learn how to communicate feelings, everything about my expectations changed.
When I just talk with my SO honestly we can both see my apparent needs and hers. Turns out just her being more playful and showing her body is often satisfying enough. Example of compromise; Sitting on the couch giving her a foot rub while she's wearing something silky for bed. I get my fill of womanly charms. (still teenager, don't judge me) and she gets some real affection that doesn't need to be 'more'. And when we do have sex, it's a quality that satisfies me for a week or two. And more importantly, leaves me with zero desire to look at some fleeting images online......Who needs fake when there's real?
So maybe he does love you but is overwhelmed with responsibility and wondering what happened to the honeymoon that was a blur? It may be time to shake things up and see if some honest dialogue can start. You are both feeling lonely, I bet, and can actually learn to be great friends if a door to communication can open.
I wasn't able to do this until I had some real soul searching on my own. I have only been able to get real with others after getting painfully (at first) real with myself. And as others pointed out, you can't change him. But you can take care of yourself and love yourself. This is contagious, I've found. Learn to be open and honest with yourself. Because wether or not you two can reconnect you'll be keeping your own company for a while so why not enjoy the time?
I wish you the best:). And yes, there's nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman (goddess)
It's sad that he dismissed you when you tried to express how you feel about his actions. Again, men are childish sometimes. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to cover his embarrassment or maybe he sees how saturated our society is with porn that he doesn't see it as a big deal. Of course, no excuse.
Are you attracted to him? I know it's hard to be when we lose respect for someone, but if he senses that you don't find him attractive that can feel like rejection just like the comments about other women felt like a rejection to you. Again, no excuse or judgement. Middle ground here.
Does he take care of himself? Working out does wonders for me. Eating healthy etc. How would you rate his self esteem?