Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
So I've started seeing this guy I met through a social dating app (but we somehow are very closely linked through a friend). He reminds me a lot of my ex boyfriend in many attractive ways, but also, in bad ways.
For our first date I took him to a basketball game (I get free tix through work, and thought why not)..originally we were going to do drinks and dinner, but I figured if I had the tickets and they would go to waste.. why not. We ended up having sex that night. The next morning he wasn't very talkative and kind of just wanted to do his won thing. I was a little put off by his sudden change in personality. The night before, I briefly remember him calling me "high maintenance" and it was a little offputting. I took it as an insult and said how am I high maintenance? He said "because it looks like you get everything handed to you". --This happens to be far from the truth. I have two jobs, and I am getting my master's degree. I have a loan, and because my dad was very generous, I was given an apartment he had to live in while in graduate school. This guy kind of jumped to assumptions anyway.
Then, I got drunk and had tickets to the Seahawks Packers game... I thought this guy is so much fun! Why not take him. So I invited him (I get tickets to pretty much all sporting events for free). My friends give me shit for taking him to these games, but in my mind the tickets are free, it's something I love doing, he would love doing, why not! I FIGURED that he would have so much fun and think "wow I can make it up her".
During the week in between he took me on a date.. we went to a park near his apartment and had coffee.. it wasn't a dinner date and very casual.
I have never felt so much chemistry with someone since my ex. It is very rare for me to like someone new because I am still half hung up on my abusive ex having been the one. The day of the hawks game he picked me up and told me how cute I looked. We hit it off again and were flirting, etc. He kept making comments about "taking me on a date" while we were tailgating, he was being affectionate, etc. At the game, he put his arms around me and kept kissing me. This was my THIRD date with him. I could tell he was into me. At the game my dad called me, and when I hung up, this guy goes "I never hear you talk about your mom". I was a little drunk, and when I drink, I don't really hold back. I said, "That's because I see my mom twice a year. We have a horrible relationship, I've basically been emancipated since I was 17. My parents are going through a bad divorce, so when you called me high maintenance.. it couldn't have been further off". I kind of said that firmly because, it cuts me hard when people make assumptions on my family's money. I have struggled a lot and have learned how to survive on my own- both financially, and more importantly, emotionally. He immediately looked at me and kissed me.
When we got to the game he proclaimed that he forgot his wallet in the car, so I had to buy the stuff and he would pay me back. I did, thinking he would make it up with a date or something in the coming week. We go to my friends house after the game, and she is really drunk (I am too). He stood in the corner and said he wanted to leave and would wait for me In the car. So whatever, we left. We got back to his place, and had sex. The sex was so good, and when we were about to fall asleep he did something that reminded me so much of what my ex would do, he hugged me and then said "thank you for tonight, I had so much fun with you" and kept AFFECTIONATELY kissing me. He was sooo affectionate sleep wise (cuddling, etc). I thought wow, I finally like someone new.
When we woke up in the AM- completely different scene. He was quiet, cold, withdrawn, and ready for me to get home. I had just taken him to the playoffs, and paid for his beers, and asked if he would drive me home. He paused and was silent. I was like "hello??" and he reluctantly agreed. It started to really irritate me because I had done so much for this shithead the night before. It was like he did a complete 180 in personality- he went from being loving, affectionate, sweet, and SO into me, to treating me as if I were some strange girl he didn't want to deal with and wanted out of his apartment. It was confusing, but this is exactly how my ex-boyfriend acted. I couldn't figure out if I was being too sensitive, or if this guy is a jerk. I kept thinking, how does lightning strike twice? I never find guys I like, and when I am into someone, they pull this hot and cold shit. But, I couldn't figure out if it was in my mind, or if he's actually a jerk (which is why I'm posting this for your opinions).
As I was getting ready I noticed a not left to his bed.. It was written by a girl and it said "Thank you! xoxo Christina". Ok, I'm not dating this guy, we've been on three dates, but come the fuck on. He had plenty of time between getting me in his apartment and while I was passed out to see the note, and throw it out. There is NO way he didn't not see the note. I left feeling like I was one of many girls he's been sleeping with. As I was getting ready to leave, I said "woah something smells like beer spilled all over it" and he goes.. "what, your breath?" I was like, are you kidding me dude? and walked to the door.
We drove back to my apartment in silence. His demeanor completely changed and I was treated like a stranger, yet again. I couldn't make up my mind if it was my mind being sensitive, or him. How can a guy act like this after I was so generous, fun, etc. Yes, I know don't give too much away as a woman... but honestly, I function off the belief of people having the basic ability to recognize someone's generosity as a HUGE attraction point, and want to reciprocate. This guy is a big investement banker, makes ton of money, has an INCREDIBLE body, and is very attractive.. I also feel like he has a major sense of confidence and self- inflation to go with it. That's my type of guy that I'm drawn to- because for whatever reason, I play into that sick game and end up getting hurt (like I did by my ex). It makes me feel better when at times (like the night before at the game) they show a lot of affection because it boosts my confidence.
He parked the car and I just got out, said thanks for the ride and went to my apartment. I was so hungover and just wanted to shower. I texted him an hour later and said this:
"Hey sorry I was so hungover.. needed to get to bed. Hope you had fun!"
Him: "You're welcome. I had so much fun, thanks for taking me!"
Me: "Of course, you're not a bad side piece ;). Let's touch base later this week and hang out"
Him: "Haha sounds like a plan. Have a good sleep"
Later on that day.... because I was complaining earlier in the morning about my hands mysteriously hurting SO BAD and I didn't know why, I texted him:
"I seriously think I fractured my hands last night!"
Him: Really? They're that bad? You don't know how you did it though"
Me: Nope, but I can barely make a fist.
That was it for our conversation. I noticed he was active on facebook and the social dating site we met on 30 minutes after I texted him.
I don't want to be told I'm too easy, or I'm stalking him, or chasing, because I'm not. THat was the extent of our texting conversation- and I'm not chasing because I haven't pursued him since. I am however, very confused and offended by his lack of doing something to reciprocate and then playing the hot/cold game the next morning. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have 100% of a man's affection- laying in bed with him and FEELING like he is into you completely and not wanting that feeling to go away, and then the next morning, being treated as if you are just another random girl. On top of everything I did for him (out of generosity and just thinking it would be a really fun date), I expect basic reciprocation. It's not about me GIVING too much, because, I didn't go way out of my way to get the tickets (although many people would love to have gone to this event), it's about me being so confused as to his complete personality
For our first date I took him to a basketball game (I get free tix through work, and thought why not)..originally we were going to do drinks and dinner, but I figured if I had the tickets and they would go to waste.. why not. We ended up having sex that night. The next morning he wasn't very talkative and kind of just wanted to do his won thing. I was a little put off by his sudden change in personality. The night before, I briefly remember him calling me "high maintenance" and it was a little offputting. I took it as an insult and said how am I high maintenance? He said "because it looks like you get everything handed to you". --This happens to be far from the truth. I have two jobs, and I am getting my master's degree. I have a loan, and because my dad was very generous, I was given an apartment he had to live in while in graduate school. This guy kind of jumped to assumptions anyway.
Then, I got drunk and had tickets to the Seahawks Packers game... I thought this guy is so much fun! Why not take him. So I invited him (I get tickets to pretty much all sporting events for free). My friends give me shit for taking him to these games, but in my mind the tickets are free, it's something I love doing, he would love doing, why not! I FIGURED that he would have so much fun and think "wow I can make it up her".
During the week in between he took me on a date.. we went to a park near his apartment and had coffee.. it wasn't a dinner date and very casual.
I have never felt so much chemistry with someone since my ex. It is very rare for me to like someone new because I am still half hung up on my abusive ex having been the one. The day of the hawks game he picked me up and told me how cute I looked. We hit it off again and were flirting, etc. He kept making comments about "taking me on a date" while we were tailgating, he was being affectionate, etc. At the game, he put his arms around me and kept kissing me. This was my THIRD date with him. I could tell he was into me. At the game my dad called me, and when I hung up, this guy goes "I never hear you talk about your mom". I was a little drunk, and when I drink, I don't really hold back. I said, "That's because I see my mom twice a year. We have a horrible relationship, I've basically been emancipated since I was 17. My parents are going through a bad divorce, so when you called me high maintenance.. it couldn't have been further off". I kind of said that firmly because, it cuts me hard when people make assumptions on my family's money. I have struggled a lot and have learned how to survive on my own- both financially, and more importantly, emotionally. He immediately looked at me and kissed me.
When we got to the game he proclaimed that he forgot his wallet in the car, so I had to buy the stuff and he would pay me back. I did, thinking he would make it up with a date or something in the coming week. We go to my friends house after the game, and she is really drunk (I am too). He stood in the corner and said he wanted to leave and would wait for me In the car. So whatever, we left. We got back to his place, and had sex. The sex was so good, and when we were about to fall asleep he did something that reminded me so much of what my ex would do, he hugged me and then said "thank you for tonight, I had so much fun with you" and kept AFFECTIONATELY kissing me. He was sooo affectionate sleep wise (cuddling, etc). I thought wow, I finally like someone new.
When we woke up in the AM- completely different scene. He was quiet, cold, withdrawn, and ready for me to get home. I had just taken him to the playoffs, and paid for his beers, and asked if he would drive me home. He paused and was silent. I was like "hello??" and he reluctantly agreed. It started to really irritate me because I had done so much for this shithead the night before. It was like he did a complete 180 in personality- he went from being loving, affectionate, sweet, and SO into me, to treating me as if I were some strange girl he didn't want to deal with and wanted out of his apartment. It was confusing, but this is exactly how my ex-boyfriend acted. I couldn't figure out if I was being too sensitive, or if this guy is a jerk. I kept thinking, how does lightning strike twice? I never find guys I like, and when I am into someone, they pull this hot and cold shit. But, I couldn't figure out if it was in my mind, or if he's actually a jerk (which is why I'm posting this for your opinions).
As I was getting ready I noticed a not left to his bed.. It was written by a girl and it said "Thank you! xoxo Christina". Ok, I'm not dating this guy, we've been on three dates, but come the fuck on. He had plenty of time between getting me in his apartment and while I was passed out to see the note, and throw it out. There is NO way he didn't not see the note. I left feeling like I was one of many girls he's been sleeping with. As I was getting ready to leave, I said "woah something smells like beer spilled all over it" and he goes.. "what, your breath?" I was like, are you kidding me dude? and walked to the door.
We drove back to my apartment in silence. His demeanor completely changed and I was treated like a stranger, yet again. I couldn't make up my mind if it was my mind being sensitive, or him. How can a guy act like this after I was so generous, fun, etc. Yes, I know don't give too much away as a woman... but honestly, I function off the belief of people having the basic ability to recognize someone's generosity as a HUGE attraction point, and want to reciprocate. This guy is a big investement banker, makes ton of money, has an INCREDIBLE body, and is very attractive.. I also feel like he has a major sense of confidence and self- inflation to go with it. That's my type of guy that I'm drawn to- because for whatever reason, I play into that sick game and end up getting hurt (like I did by my ex). It makes me feel better when at times (like the night before at the game) they show a lot of affection because it boosts my confidence.
He parked the car and I just got out, said thanks for the ride and went to my apartment. I was so hungover and just wanted to shower. I texted him an hour later and said this:
"Hey sorry I was so hungover.. needed to get to bed. Hope you had fun!"
Him: "You're welcome. I had so much fun, thanks for taking me!"
Me: "Of course, you're not a bad side piece ;). Let's touch base later this week and hang out"
Him: "Haha sounds like a plan. Have a good sleep"
Later on that day.... because I was complaining earlier in the morning about my hands mysteriously hurting SO BAD and I didn't know why, I texted him:
"I seriously think I fractured my hands last night!"
Him: Really? They're that bad? You don't know how you did it though"
Me: Nope, but I can barely make a fist.
That was it for our conversation. I noticed he was active on facebook and the social dating site we met on 30 minutes after I texted him.
I don't want to be told I'm too easy, or I'm stalking him, or chasing, because I'm not. THat was the extent of our texting conversation- and I'm not chasing because I haven't pursued him since. I am however, very confused and offended by his lack of doing something to reciprocate and then playing the hot/cold game the next morning. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have 100% of a man's affection- laying in bed with him and FEELING like he is into you completely and not wanting that feeling to go away, and then the next morning, being treated as if you are just another random girl. On top of everything I did for him (out of generosity and just thinking it would be a really fun date), I expect basic reciprocation. It's not about me GIVING too much, because, I didn't go way out of my way to get the tickets (although many people would love to have gone to this event), it's about me being so confused as to his complete personality
I don't think there is anything wrong with being " fun time girl" either. Just wanted to say that in case my post # 12 came off as not supportive.
It's the "expectations" when we as people give "gifts" to someone.
In my opinion, we have to ask ourselves why we are doing it and what we expect to get in return. If we "expect" something, it might not be wise to give it....
I think it would be great if a "fun time girl" had an encounter with a handsome dude and he was totally smitten and later down the road he got down on one knee and presented the biggest sparkly diamond and it suddenly turned into fairytale land... I mean if she is fun time girl.. he is being fun time boy, right??
I hope he contacts you if that is what YOU want, bellehandle!
"I was the one leaving under cover of darkness to get the fuck out.''
Hilarious!
For me, it wasn't so much that the OP was expecting something back for taking the guy to sporting event, Pretty sure she stated she was not. Rather, my concern, they'd been intimate (sex), and they'd gone out a few times since they had sex, and he's been playinig hot (when he wanted sex) and cold (shortly after they had sex). Which is super confusing.
She's not asking to marry him, lol (goodness I am so sick of hearing that every woman want this, but yeah many of us want monogamy, the guy to be honest, and we want to be respected-what is wrong with that?).
This guy clearly is not able to offer that. He's taking advantage of her (as I am sure he does with most of the women he's been with). Not all of us know the GAME! My jaw is sorta dropping that we women should all know better, that the onus is on us (women), when a guy sweet talks us, when he says a bunch of BS.
Of course, there are plenty relationships that are healthy and happy and there was sex on the first date. I just do not believe this is the general rule. I felt like she was indicating she did want more from the relationship but his behavior was indicative of someone who does not feel the same way. Maybe I completely misinterpreted it but I feel like if it was strictly casual on both sides, one would not seek advice? Could be I'm totally wrong there.
Interesting how we can read the same thing and have a different perspective. :)