Healthy Relationships Support Group

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Am I being a total b****

Momeo
Momeo
My husband has had his ups and downs. He had not had a decent job for about 5 years until Aug 2008. Then he was hired with the State Dept of transportation. Benefits and retirement. SO what happens next? He was arrested 2 weeks ago for DWI and refusing to submit to a sobriety test. He was in jail overnight, had to spend $85 to get his truck out of impound and $3500 on a lawyer. I will not help him with the lawyer fees. We have separate checking accounts thank goodness. We filed bankruptcy last year because of his lack of decent work. After this last thing I told him that if he lost this job I was leaving and taking our daughter. I make a majority of the income so I can move. Am I being a total bitch/uncaring spouse?
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think you have given him more than enough time to pull himself together. Why should you be taking care of him if he isn't doing his best to take care of you? Especially if you have a daughter to raise. She doesn't need a bad example for a parent. Just because you do what is best for you and your daughter doesn't mean you are uncaring for your husband. Maybe this is what it will take for him to clean up his act.
deleted_user
deleted_user
No I don't think you are being a bitch...Or uncaring...You are taking care of your daughter...My husband has similar issues with money/debt...We are now separated...One of the main reasons was to do with our finances...I am a lot happier being in control of my own finances...Knowing my rent is paid...That I am not going to have my gas/electric cut off...

I love my husband & get on very well with him...but after many chances he still kept me in the dark...would not let me help with our finances...even though I often asked...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Maybe it is time for some "tough love". Will bailing him out of his recent troubles assist him in growing and learning how to make better choices or will it be considered rescuing and enabling him to keep making poor choices.

Is it possible for you to be supportive to him in other ways that will enable him to get his life moving in a positive light. We can love the person but hate their choices.
deleted_user
deleted_user
All I can say is Go Girl! You are taking care of yourself and your daughter. Good for you.
Momeo
Momeo
Thanks for your answers I feel alot better about everything. The guilt has subsided!!!
koolman
koolman
You stated the recent physical events, but not whatever relational pressures you may have been putting on him-! Differences in emotional needs and so forth...maybe he's a depressed recluse or just a guy who needs emotional space...doesn't justify his turning to booze, of course, but there seems to be information ammiss here-!

If he can't hold down a job, though, no--I don't think you're being unreasonable by wanting to pack up, take the daughter and leave, before he bankrupts you both again. The guy needs to do what it takes to make ends meet, if for no other reason than, if you leave him alone, he needs to take care of HIMESELF.
koolman
koolman
Or...is HE the emotionally clingy one, needing you around all the time, while you're the more independent type-? Like I said, more info, please...
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think you are being fairly reasonable from what you explain above! It sounds like you have given him plenty of passes with the irresponsibility and now you have warned him you are done with it and will leave with another screw-up.

A marriage is a partnership. If you feel the partnership isn't benefiting you or your daughter it's not necessarily a bad idea to end it.
Momeo
Momeo
Koolman I am not sure how to answer you. I let him go for 5 years while he found a career he wanted to be in. We are both very independent emotionally and our marriage was better before the DWI than it had been in years. We were both happy and doing things together. He does not drink very often but we had the discussion before he started this job that he COULD NOT risk drinking and driving no matter how much it was. After 12 years I thought he respected me enough to not do it because we had been through such a long battle making ends meet.