Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi I have posted in the group before about my boyfriend who has had problems with alcohol pretty much since we've been together which is about 10 years. we have a son together who is now four. he has been sober for about three weeks now but has been back-and-forth with being sober at the longest 60 days and Then relapsing which I know it's hard and I've been doing my best to support him but it also is emotionally exhausting for myself as well. We have argued more and more since we had our son. I guess I thought that him having a son of his own ( I have 2 other kids 19 an 16 from a previous marriage) would bring us closer and maybe force him to grow up but it actually has done none of that. I admit I'm not even close to be perfect and have plenty of things to work on but I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of feeling so alone. My boyfriend barely speaks to me or barely shows any interest in me or what I do. I went back to college and I'm taking to college classes at night , I work full-time during the day as a licensed childcare provider, and I just took my real estate exam and am about to be a licensed real estate agent. I'm really busy but still always find the time to take interest in my kids and my boyfriend. He never asks me about my classes, how my real estate career is doing, or really anything. I could be gone for hours an he wont question where I was, what I did. He will ask when I will be home and that's if he has our son because god forbid he be completely responsible for his welfare. He almost never comes to bed and if he does it's way after I'm asleep an he doesn't kiss me, snuggle up to me nothing. I've told him how I feel and he just gets annoyed an doesn't want to hear it. A ew times he has said he was sorry but nothing changes. Last Saturday night I broke down after waiting all day for him to maybe ask me to watch a movie , sit with him something an finally by 1 am I said I was going to bed An he just said oh ok. I started crying slamming doors an was beyon pad upset. I guess he felt bad, came upstairs and tried talking to me, told me he was sorry and gave me a hug. I started to think maybe he finally realized how bad it made me feel till he said " so looks like your feeling better, I'm going to finish my show am will be up later". I just thought really? After all this you can not give up watching g tv to just lay in bed with me and show me that you domcare for me? I just went to bed. We never have sex and if we ever did it was afte he was drinking heavily. I told him I've never felt so lonely and unloved an my self esteem is just plummeting. He said dont hii dare blame that on me, that's all your problem not mine. I bust my ass every day working , trying to better myself and provide my kids with a nice happy life, I put everyone in my homes needs before mine and I am willing to do anything for any one of them but I'm feeling like I would just love a hug or to just lay in his arms watching a movie if to have him say "hey, sit down let me take care of you". I want him to ask me how my exam was, where did I go, something! I feel like I have supported him through his drinking and all kinds of things but then I get nothing in return. Hes been unemployed for almost s year, Barely helps out around the house so I feel like there is no excuse to just be so interested in the person you supposedly love. I feel totally unloved and like he must not even be attracted to me. Am I overthinking the whole situation? What should I do?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Treats you like that? Hasn't been sober longer than 60 days in 10 years?
Time to move on.
The truth is, there is no way to improve a relationship if both parties are unwilling to work on it. And it doesn't seem like your bf is interested in doing his share of anything. He would need rehab, AA, therapy, etc to get his act together. You guys would need couples therapy. You could probably use therapy and/or CODA meetings to understand why you've tolerated this as long as you have. That is a lot of work and it would take a tremendous commitment to resolve all these issues and it just doesn't seem like he can make that commitment or even wants to. He has everything he wants, why should he bother? You are taking care of everything it seems. He has it made. My suggestion would be to get into therapy or CODA and learn how to set healthy boundaries. Give him an ultimatum with a set date and set list of things that need to change by that date and if it's not done, be firm on your word and walk away. That's really the only thing you can do. If you continue to give him chances, he will continue to take advantage. I hope you have the strength to do this.
People show us who they are all the time, and we have to believe them when they do.
Go back and read what you wrote. If you had a friend who told all these things were happening in her relationship, you'd be so sad for her and tell her this is no way to live. Be a good friend to yourself and stop putting up with this.
I agree that at the least a trial separation is in order.... This is no good .... I would try to get some therapy for you to find out why you'd accept it and so that you won't in the future..... Big hug.....xo