Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I have been dating the bf for 9 months. Hes 51 I am 38 so we are not exactly children. Last night was the 2nd big blow up we ever had, It was actually over something stupid and from what I can gather it was the straw that broke the camels back and there was other stuff bothering him. Would love it if any men are around to chime in on this one. He was over here last night fight started he stormed out after quite a few things were said mostly by him. When he stormed out to the car I followed. My mistake on that I should have let him go and just cool off. He got loud enough my 14 yr came to the door and freaked out wanting him to leave. My son has never really been around that because I don't raise my voice. It was bad but he did over react. I did call him when he was on the way home and he said a few things that got to me. One he told me "do you know how hard it is to be your boyfriend" and two he told me he almost called me after he left my house and told me to gather all the stuff he has over and he would be back to pick it up in the morning. SO I am torn at the moment. On one hand I feel like if he wanted to end it he would have done exactly that but he didn't so most likely he was just pissed and saying stuff. On the other hand I have this feeling there is about 90% chance this is over. Leads me to question 1. Have you ever been so mad that you felt like leaving said shit you really should not have but in the end did not and it work out OK. Question number 2 is about calling. I am dating the stereo typical man. Not saying all men are like this but mine is. He has in my mind a warped sense of pride. If there is a fight I need to be the one that calls. I don't have that "pride". I am not even sure if that is the correct word. Not that I don't have pride in myself and I am not a door mat I just feel that in the end the relationship is more important and who calls doesn't matter as long as someone does. Usually we have a tiff now and then I call an hour later all good. Also it should be noted that I can call him at anytime and usually within 1/2 hour he has called me back. Today has been different. I have called a few times so far and hes not picking up. This happened in the last big fight we had. I know he sees me calling. I also know he will eventually pick up but that he wont actually call me. My question is how much is to much. On the off chance he really is still pissed I don't want to keep bugging him but I also get the feeling from previous times he needs to know I am not giving up on us. As you can see we definitely have communication issues between us. I have a gut feeling this is it for us but on the off chance its not I do not want to push him away by either calling to much or not calling enough so he thinks I just don't care. All opinions are welcome.
N if i was in a relationship with some1 who told me that it was hard bein in a relationship with me. Thatd def b a message 2 me.
Y would u want ur son 2 witness yellin screaming and arguments? whether or not hes been brought up cin them or not makes him no moe or less o a man. N idk how thatd make him soft.
I understand it may be hard to find a good man (as they say) in your town, but do you really want constant fighting? Is that better than being alone?
And again, how will this guy handle a real problem if he can't handle the small ones like an adult? Do you really want that?
If you are this overly attached to this type of relationship, I think you might want to look into working on yourself, getting more independent and developing hobbies and a better sense of yourself. "Better than Nothing" is often NOT better than nothing. It can be much worse if you allow yourself to go down a bad road and ignore the red flags and just comprimise on thing that you shouldn't.
If he were standing by his principles saying "No i won't do something wrong for you because I really do not believe in that". Or "you are doing something really destructive and I will not tolerate that", it would be another story. That's a genuinely worthwhile fight and in that case, he may even be right. But if it's "Hey, I will not take back what I said about your favorite TV Show" or "I will not apologize for not using a coaster to put my glass on the table" then wow, sounds like a life of misery for me.
I just dumped a friend like that. I could not handle the idiot conflicts and shouting and drama about nothing. Life is waaaay too short for that.
After every fight it takes more time to recover. She follows me as well when we are fighting and doesnt let me cool down. That is the worst thing to do.
I live with this person. Im no saint, but we get into a lot of fights. So from a mans point ot view it just puts a huge gap in the relationship. If this is the status quoe for your relationship, weither its him yelling or you...either you work it out, or you dont.
Sounds like he is very pissed, and just might be done with the relationship. We are currently working on ours, relationship counceling is the next step.
Good luck.
I noticed in reading over replies people seem to be under the impression it was something he did wrong that caused the fight when it was not the case. Maybe I am getting the wrong impression but that is what it seems like. The fight was caused by my actions. I was kinda embarrassed over what the whole thing was about so I did not give details(nor do I plan on it) and tried to type it out in a neutral way so as to not put anyone at fault.
Quick update on everything: I did try to call a couple more time yesterday he set me a very simple email. It basically said he loved me, everything will be OK, there are some things that need to be talked through but in person . He said he would call later. I stopped calling him he did call very briefly that night said he did not want to stay on the phone was still upset over a few things that had been happening(I'm not sure what these things are) said he loved me we would talk when it could be done calmly and he would call tomorrow(which is technically today) and he made sure to tell me if at anytime I needed him for anything to not hesitate to call. I have talked to him today and basically everything is OK. There is still things that need to be discussed but again not this second after things are settled and nerves are not as raw.
What was the argument about? Was there alcohol involved? Sounds like there are past issues that need resolved.
Yelling in front of the kid is not acceptable in my opinion. That needs to be clarified and stopped first and foremost.