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Advice? Thoughts? Questions?

turtlepaws85
turtlepaws85

Long story short, my bf cheated and instead of leaving I stayed, nothing changed so I cheated. I got caught, at first I panicked and lied and tried to cover my tracks and save my own ass, I lied about how many times it happened, when it happened, where it happened. Initially, I didn’t want to share anything with him because I was angry, blaming him and his actions. Eventually, I told him everything I could tell him. The affair had been over for 2 years when my bf found out. I can’t remember details of the affair. I know when it started, my reason why, where we first met, when it ended, why it ended, what the sex was like. What I don’t remember is stuff we texted about. Right now that’s what my bf wants to know. I have tried to remember, I lay awake at night and go over the whole affair from beginning to end and the specifics of text conversations aren’t there. The AP’s gf sent my bf screenshots of text messages and that’s what he’s going off of. Sometimes it will spark a memory, sometimes I remember it a different way, sometimes I don’t remember at all. I’ve done everything I can to get past this. I gave him complete access to every account I have, deleted social media, changed my number and I’m in counseling on my own. He’s coming to pick me up now cause he wants to know what really occurred in my affair. I’m not deliberately hiding anything from him. Sometimes some random trigger will spark a memory and I always share it with him. I understand that from his POV that this slow release is agonizing to him. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not trying to hurt him anymore. I’ve left the relationship, he’s left the relationship but when I agree he flips and says he wants to work things out. I’m working on my deeper issues and I’m more than interested in working on our issues together but if it can’t happen then I’m ok with working on myself alone too. While I can imagine and I know what being cheated on does to a person, I have never cheated in my entire life. Being on the other side is killing me worse than ever being cheated on. I want us both to work through this but at this point idk what more I can do.


Thoughts? Insight? Questions? Concerns? Criticism? It’s all welcome. Please.

jojored
jojored
Some clarification - did he just recently find out, is that why he's 'stuck' on knowing details? If so, he'll surely need time to process everything, and trust needs to be re-earned. It's as if the affair were yesterday to him, I'm guessing.

I'm sure you don't remember specifics of text conversations - two years is a long time. And what's the AF's GF doing with the AF's two year old texts? That's weird, I don't have old texts. Were those two together at the time as well?
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I would think about some couples counselling to help you to work through what you both need to and decide if you can save your relationship or not and whatever happens do it in a way to be supportive of both of you..... xo
turtlepaws85
turtlepaws85
Jojored yes he found out 7 months ago. He’s known the details, I gave him as much as I could. I did an apple recovery and gave him those and phone records so he could SEE the extent of contact and exactly when I guess as a way to lessen the gap of not being able to remember details. As for the AP’s gf, from what I understood the last time I talked to the AP he had been caught before and she took the screenshots. I understand it’s fresh to him and he needs to process but when he asks me for specifics idk what to tell him cause I’ve been honest about everything I could be honest with him about. I know he got a lot of info from the texts she sent him but I haven’t lied or denied anything in them. I know he’s going to have more questions to ask and I’ve answered them honestly. I’ve given him the why behind my decision. I’ve tried my best to stay away from blaming his affair on mine because after all the decision was mine to make.

SunCloudJD...at one point he’s suggested couples counseling and I agreed to it but nothing more has come of it. Right now he says he wants to stay and work past it. I’ve made it clear that while I am too, I don’t want him staying because he thinks he owes me anything about his affair.

I hate to say it but sometimes it feels like he has more of tendency to hang my affair over my head instead of healing. That might be where he’s at, revenge or punishment. Idk, idk what to do. I couldn’t understand why I don’t remember details of the affair and he can. I remember details of our relationship. It’s really not an excuse but I have looked it up because I wanted someone else’s insight into it cause I feel so f***ked up mentally about not remembering and even I don’t believe it but I read in a study that it’s called unethical amnesia. The subconscious “forgets” transgressions that are against internal moral values. Idk, that sounds really self-righteous though and I’m definitely not.
jojored
jojored
Wait. He's known for 7 months. He does not want to go to counseling. He keeps asking about the affair. He's in a really unhealthy place, and won't do anything to get out of it. I would say that either he's intentionally punishing you, or he just doesn't have the emotional fortitude to deal with all of the emotions by himself in a healthy way. If he won't go to counseling, you should. You don't have to stay stuck just because he is.
turtlepaws85
turtlepaws85
I’ve been in counseling. Not just for dealing with damage from his affair but what my affair did to me. I know I made a huge mistake and I regret it everyday but as I see it, the only way to make sure I never do something like this again is to be aware of what’s going on within me and around me and how to deal with it in a healthy way. I love him so much and when things are good between us THEY ARE REALLY GOOD. But other times it feels like the calm before the storm. I’ve talked to him this evening and he instated a no contact rule. He’s here but he’s not here idk!! He threatens with leaving but when I agree we need to separate to take care of ourselves then he wants to stay and work things out and then he says “no contact”. I mean, come on. I’m going to hold on for a little while longer but if nothing changes with him or his behaviors, if he doesn’t start dealing with his hurt and his actions from his affair then I can’t stay. This sounds all very selfish because I hurt him but I can’t heal myself and be his punching bag.
arfie
arfie
I am a child sex trafficking survivor. Hyper-sexuality was one of my own symptoms from the survival. By the time I met my husband (still) in 1979, I had been in therapy for seven years and was utterly convinced, as were my therapists, that the most common motive for asking details of all that was more often pornographic than healing. The right to say, "Back off Bubba" was part of the prenuptial agreement. You are absolutely right that you can't be heal yourself AND be his punching bag and/or personal porn star. Very different circumstances, but I am wondering if the boundary would fit your case, as well. Just wondering. . .

For sure, healthy boundaries are essential to a healthy relationship and I opine that it sounds like you need some here. Gentle support while you figure out what will work for you.
LDobbins
LDobbins
Oh baby girl, my heart goes out to you!!! It is so difficult to recover from infidelity, I did the same thing to my husband after finding out he had gone to a strip club and got a private dance back in the private room.... We were young and at that time in our relationship I would have fulfilled that fantasy for him, to get even I slept with someone. You think it will make you feel better, like it will magically take that heartache he inflicted away. Then your guilt sets in but don't allow him to push ALL of it on you! I know how you feel about betraying your bf, trust me I've NEVER been a cheater either. Actually I have been a very Godly person my whole life, which only made my mental matters worse :( You stay strong, separate yourself and make time for YOU to figure out who you are at this point.... I'm not taking sides but he cheated too, has he given you the same respect and dissected his affair? Counseling is a good start, but both parties have to have an open mind and have a willingness to grow. I wish you two the very best, all relationships have their mess so don't think your weak for staying.... I think your the strongest person ive met on here thus far :) Good luck and God bless
turtlepaws85
turtlepaws85
ARFIE...I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through. I thank you for your insight and I wish you nothing but happy blessings. It is an interesting boundary to consider because when he first found out he was primarily focused on the sexual details. As difficult as it was to give him those details I did oblige. Very vaguely, the details he asked for now are what occurred between the AP and myself with a little specification I guess on what would cut his legs out from under him. I struggle with the memory sometimes but I really don’t think there’s anything like that left to reveal. Anything gut-wrenching about my affair he already knows. Into the future I will pay more attention to what kind of details he is asking for and keep your thoughts in mind. Thank you for that.

LDOBBINS...Thank you for your insight as well. Being the one who cheated really makes me question what kind of person I really am because I was so opposed to such an act until I made the decision to do it. I myself am in counseling and I engage in forums such as this for greater insight. As for his affair, I got the details from his 4 year multiple AP’s and then 7 months ago he came clean about things on his own. Since then though his behaviors and patterns haven’t changed. I can understand to a certain point because I hurt him as well but what feels like a game can’t be played forever. He has been a little more open about talking but it’s more geared towards me and steered away from him. If he’s doing anything on his own as far as healing, I don’t know about it. I won’t make my healing a secret though and I won’t let him hold his a secret for very much longer.

Recently, he instated a no contact boundary between us. I agreed then because I wanted to respect his boundaries. I don’t necessarily see it as healthy but it won’t stop me from making my own progress. Any insight on what kind of compromises we can make about our contact with each other?
11Christmases
11Christmases
He cheated on you first. I would remind him of that every time he brings up what you did. Don't answer another question.
turtlepaws85
turtlepaws85
Oh I have. We’ve had that argument. His response is always but I was honest with you about it, I gave you everything and you’ve had more time than I have to process it. Fact of the matter is, I found everything out from his other women. When he “gave me everything” it was stuff I had already told him with maybe 2-3 things I didn’t know. I may have known about his affairs as they occurred but he didn’t do anything to change his patterns and behaviors. This is why I separate his cheating from my cheating. It angers me that he won’t move forward without “details” but he expects me to move forward on his word of “action” which he says is coming.
jstar845
jstar845
Hello, Thanks for posting. If you haven't already forgive your boyfriend and yourself for what has been done. I see you are going through counseling and working on yourself and this is what really matters. The effort and work you are doing is wonderful. I'm wondering if you and your boyfriend have talked about if getting back together is what both of you want and changes and etc?. Best wishes!
turtlepaws85
turtlepaws85
Thank you for your reply. I find it harder to forgive myself. Causing so much pain, not only for him but within myself. This isn’t something that I’ve ever done before so I’m doing a lot of reading and therapy to guide me on how to get through this. I could forgive my boyfriend but right now it’s so hard when he refuses to do anything. I have known about his affairs longer than he’s known about mine but I still have as little information as possible and I’ve seen no action or change from him even before I cheated. When it comes to him he doesn’t talk about anything. He turns it around a refocuses on me. Selfishly I’m ok with that because I’m actively working on bettering myself instead of leaving it at “I’ll never do it again”. We have talked about getting back together and if that’s what we really wanted. He suggested a no contact agreement for us to think and figure out if that’s what we wanted. We both agreed and held it for a week and both decided yes we want to work through this. His actions and the way he talks to me suggests otherwise though. He says he’s here to stay and work this out but last night when he was angry and yelling, on top of name calling, he said I was stupid and I was the one hanging on to him and this relationship. So now that changes things. I think he was just saying he wanted to stay because he wanted more information about my affair but he really has all I can give him and I feel he used staying as a manipulation. I’ve called him out on that and he wants to talk again tonight.
jojored
jojored
Red flag #1: "he doesn’t talk about anything:
Red flag #2: "His actions and the way he talks to me suggests otherwise though."
Red flag #3: He turns things around and refocuses blame on you (gaslighting)

In my opinion, the relationship is not worth saving. You're giving him too many chances, and he doesn't change, despite what he says. Why are you holding on so tightly? (this coming from someone who held on for decades).

As an aside, I don't think No Contact for a week is meaningful. If you're still serious (about banging your head against the wall) you should both go NC for a month, at least. I don't mean to be harsh, but you're beating yourself up, and he's just .... not doing much of anything but continuing to perpetuate the story of the affair of yours (not his). He hasn't manned up at all. You should focus on yourself and leave him to stew in his own warped reality.
turtlepaws85
turtlepaws85
Oh gosh I know. I know it’s what I need to do for myself and it’s something else I talk about in therapy. I keep thinking “what if he does change? I could miss out on my chance.” And then when it comes to breaking up or NC thinking about him being “happy” with someone else is painful when that someone was/is me. But I’m not really that happy.

I will say I am making some headway though. I’m not in the same mindset I was in months ago. I am making my own progress, for MYSELF.
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