Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Four days ago, my fiancé and partner of 5 years told me that he is no longer attracted to me, his feelings have completely gone and he has fallen out of love with me. Initially he said he wants to break up, now he has said he needs "time". He has been staying at a friends place down the street so he is still very close by. He has not taken a bag with him, just popped back to get a change of clothes when needed. We have seen each other twice and spoken every day since, but he is still very conflicted with his feelings for me. He isn't sure if he sees me as just a friend or something more.
I completely understand why this has happened. This isn't a situation where I'm wondering where it all went wrong. He has lost that attraction as I have a drinking problem and after several attempts at asking me to stop, even visits to a counsellor, I have not listened to him. He says every time he has woken up in the middle of the night wondering where I am, and sees me passed out, his attraction has slowly but surely disappeared.
He says he has felt this way for a while now, very guilty and upset with himself for not telling me and battling with this alone.
Of course, I have now stopped drinking. I am determined to not drink alcohol for at least a month and then see how I feel. I am determined to get healthy. I am determined to see if he wants to give this another shot if he has seen the effort and changes I'm making. He is still very unsure as to whether the feelings will come back.
What I want to know is has anyone ever been in a similar situation where feelings have gone, but once the root of the problem has been repaired, the feelings have returned?
We still have a lease for another four months, we have been together for five years, he put a ring on my finger only three months ago. I feel like we owe it to ourselves and each other to see if we can make it work again. Then at least when all is said and done, if it doesn't work out, at least we can say we gave it our all.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I'm sorry that you are struggling with your relationship.... I left my husband due to alcoholism.... My Father was an alcoholic that went into treatment and succeeded... He's now passed
There are episodes that are really good of Intervention on Youtube
There are free groups like AA if you want to get sober and stay sober as well as other treatment... You are saying that you are 'determined' not to drink for a month so it doesn't really sound like you want to be sober??
What I believe is that people really don't see themselves as they are acting when they're drinking or drunk.... They actually often aren't having a good time and neither is their partner or people close to them
This isn't judgement but what I believe to be true... I completely see addiction as an illness ... It's an illness that changes behaviour though and that's what is hard for others to want to be around
It seems if he's coming around everyday that he hasn't cut ties and you could go for couples counselling at some point if you both wanted to however it does seem he's reached the end of his rope
I hope that you can get some help for yourself..... Big hug and a blessing.....xo
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/alcoholism
https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health
I think if you want him back, only actions will show him that you are serious about keeping your love alive.
He knows you are sorry for whatever hurtful behaviors you've exhibited but he is no longer willing to hear the words.
If there is an opportunity for you to enter rehab for extended period of time, that would be great. I think to make a permanent change, one has to completely restructure his or her life.
I have no doubt that you are capable of doing that because you already made some progress.
There was a time in my life when I had to completely change my behaviour and it happened because I experienced a tragic loss. It shook me up quite a bit, I got my shit together and stepped onto the righteous path.. I be slipper a few times, but got back on my feet and it has been good for many years.
Best of luck and I hope you can repair your relationship.
Bottom line is - show him some personal growth, show him change by action.
No he has not cut ties with me, when he drops in he lets me know what he's up to and how his night was but he is much more distant than usual. I can see he is really struggling with this too.
The good work. Maybe you can start dating a little and keep the heart wrenching talks for certain days..
hugs
I caved a couple of times, asking him if he had any answers yet as to whether he wants to try again with us, but he says he still cannot tell me as he is still weighing everything up and deciding on what the right decision is. I asked him if we can try going out to a movie or dinner with him still living at his mate's place, and he just said, "Maybe in a week or something."
On Friday night, I woke up at midnight and he was in the bed. He wouldn't let me ask any questions about it, he said he just spontaneously decided he wanted to come over and give me a cuddle and ended up falling asleep. It was very strange. There was no sex, just a bit of kissing on the cheek and hands but nothing else. In the morning, he had a shower and then headed back to his friend's place.
I didn't hear from him again until Sunday morning, he called for a chat for about 5 minutes, then he came over on Sunday afternoon to pick up some clothes and we ended up chatting for about half an hour. I didn't ask anything about us, we just had a bit of a laugh about how weird it was that he turned up on Friday night, and we both agreed that it was the best sleep we'd had in 10 days, but left it at that. I'm trying my best to not mention anything about the relationship and just try and see all these as positive signs, but every day I am starting to give up hope. It feels like I'm getting weaker every day we're not together. Wednesday this week will be the end of the "two weeks" he asked for.
I completely have no idea what is going to happen at the end of this two weeks. I want to believe that he'll come back home and give it another shot, but I'm also just as convinced that he's going to see the changes we've made apart and decide we're better off if we're not together.
If he still hasn't made up his mind by Wednesday, I think I'm going to have to tell him that I can't wait any longer and I'm going to move on. I really don't want to, but I can't keep up this positive exterior any longer. It's killing me.
I will say that sneaking over into your bed would bug the shit out of me because I'd feel like it's messing with my head. That's me though. I get why he needed to reevaluate things and separate himself a bit, but then do that. Being in bed with someone, even if there's no sex, is extremely intimate, and it's sending mixed messages. I just think it's not fair to blur the lines like that.
A new update and a positive one this time I hope, is that he texted me sort of out of the blue today to say that he wants to move back home on Monday and stay in the spare room and see how we go.
My Dad has suggested that maybe he wants to see me on a daily basis and see how I'm going with not drinking and how I'm filling that time and also how he feels about me being back in the same house before jumping back into bed together.
We are going to chat tomorrow about the parameters of this, it will be interesting to finally hear what he has to say!