Hello Tippy. Welcome to DS.

I don't think of my own version of this as an addiction any more than food is an addiction. Reproduction is an all-natural, primal drive. Now to get that primal drive to stick to cultural imperatives. . . Sigh. . . Those pesky details.

I navigate this snotty knot by blessing the fantasy. That lets me keep it clear in my head where fantasy leaves off and reality begins. The distinction helps me use my moral sensibilities contain the fantasy without actions as extreme as quitting a job over a biological imperative. I don't shit at my desk, either.

But that is me. . .

Hope you find this a safe place to sort your way to what is right for you. Welcome aboard.

Welcome to DS Tippy..... It reads like the relationship with your husband is more like a buddy so I think this is normal under these circumstances ….


All you really have is fantasy life in the romance department

However jumping into an affair could hurt a lot of people including you

Have you discussed what's missing in your marriage with your husband?... Is this something you'd want to do?

Could couples therapy be an options for you?

Perhaps thinking about what you want to do about your marriage might help you to sort out some things for your future

Big hug and a blessing.....xo

You are not addicted, you are just lacking romance and sex... other men look exciting because your needs aren’t met at home. Does your husband know how you really feel ?

I am almost married 16 years, the last 11 with no communication, affection or help of any kind. I did wind up finding so much of what I need from another man a zillion miles away. To find someone willing to listen and hear me...encourage and support , while reminding me I am still a caring , attractive , intelligent and desirable woman gave me so much of my almost non existent self esteem back up.

I am in another group as well (sexless marriage) There I discovered there are so many of us (from 20s to 70s) for various reasons who are forced to exist without intimacy or physical touch. It is nothing we did , but that our spouses for some reason would rather go without it.

When we are missing so much from our own marriage with the one person we are to be spending our lives with, when we do come across another who is warm , caring and attractive that we can share some of that with ... it is very easy to fantasize about more. (We on SM refer to it as sex on the brain. There was a study that asked those in a healthy relationship how often they think of sex... about 10% of the time... those in unhealthy relationships..85%. I have my days where I swear it is 110%. lol)

I didn't have an actual person right here in front of me, but did come to learn from another man what a woman does deserve from a man who truly loves her. We both deserve better than what we have wound up with, but know that you are caught up in a fantasy because of someone who is attentive, caring and kind.... as the others mentioned, all things you are missing.

I have tried numerous times to tell my stbx why I am not happy, have filed for divorce, but currently stalled. I would say too... try to tell him how you are feeling and that it is too hard to continue like this. Hopefully that may help to reopen some communication.

Hugs.

Thank you so much! All of your words have helped me feel like im not just a horrible person for having these thoughts which is where i was. We do have the same conversation about every 2 years or so about the lack of passion and intimacy but after 1 night of ok sex it's back to one every 2 months and frankly i don't even want to have sex with him anymore. Ive talked divorce but honestly, he can't just change the way he is so is not fair to give him an ultimatum. We kiss, not deeply, hug and tell each other i love you several times a day and i know he does love me there's just no sex. Before i met him i was insatiable and had sex daily if not more with previous boyfriends. Ugh, i just find it so hard to reconcile myself to the fact that in the next 40 years of my life im looking at only having sex 4-5 times a year until i die lol.

@ Tippy --- Is interesting to hear you say he can't change the way he is (translates to what so many of us believe... it is our job to put up with things as they are.) Did he ever get his testosterone checked? I know some who had issues with lack of desire (because of low levels) and with a simple supplement things did get back to normal. Or have you guys talked about trying counseling?

I am not one to talk as my stbx and I never did counseling he says he will now, but it is another stall tactic. I have been trying to tell him why I am unhappy for 2 years. Once I mentioned divorce he "tried to change" be more helpful, but the affection doesn't seem to change. I am to the point now, where i no longer want that with him. Too much anger and resentment has built . I filed for divorce months ago. I currently paused it but still plan to go through with it. I feel like I wil stagnate and just wither away if I stay as things are.
I have alot to give and do hope to find someone who still searches for the same (if that is meant to be, maybe I am supposed to be sadly alone??? )


For you, I would say try telling your hubby how hard it is for you since you need that affection and connection. See if it could be as simple as him getting "the old pipes checked"? What do you have to lose?

PS If he knew you know he loves you and the kids and you still do him, maybe the fact that you were worried about his health too, he couldn't be upset or hurt about that.

That is a good idea veggie! He does keep saying yeah, we'll do counseling and it never happens. I think i need it more than he does at this point! When we do have sex i end up faking it just to get it over with... too much resentment here too I think.

Tippy - it may be a good time for you to go out on your own. You don’t have to break it off with your husband, leaving may actually improve your relationship, but if it doesn’t, you are free to make your own life, date whoever you want.