Healthy Relationships Support Group
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3 months ago she told me I don't make her feel love because I haven't done anything special for her or romantic and she's right. She even told me we needed time apart which is why she was going on a trip with her friend. I know I could have done more romantic things and I'm trying, but I feel like she's not giving me the time. We had an argument because she's talking to this guy and the guy's wife reached out to me regarding it (her talking with the guy was fine but when the wife reached out to me that's when we argued), I talk to her and she told me "it was none of my business." A couple of days passed and I found out she went on MY Instagram using my phone and blocked the wife behind my back. We argued about it but I held back because we had talked about how we were going to try and I wanted to try. I wish I could have said that it ended there but internally it bothered me, especially as she got closer to her girls' trip since the trip is in the same state that the guy lives. I try to put it out of my head but it was hard. When she came back from her trip she kicked me out of the house because I didn't call her and barely texted her on her trip (Which I can understand) she had said she wanted time apart and I didn't want to seemed like I didn't trust her or was being controlling by asking her what was she doing every hour. We argued in front of her girlfriend and she told me that she refuses to see my side. This is something we had talked about before because she cannot see my side or why I'm upset about certain things she says, she once told me that I was the right kind of love she needed when she was in a bad place to feel better. The following day she apologizes and asked me to come home which I did.
In 3 months she told that she didn't want to adopt anymore, that she didn't love me and that maybe she never did, there was the whole other guy thing and blocking the wife's of the guy on my Instagram and lied the first time I ask her about it. The night that she kicked me out which was 18 days after she broke my trust her response was that "Why are you still on this? I thought you got over it." and told me that she didn't believe me when I took her out and got her flowers and cards, which is upsetting because I feel like I'm trying and she's pushing it away. I had asked her if she wanted a divorce she had said no she wants to work on us, that was before she broke my trust. She told me I didn't talk about my feeling but whenever I tried she told me not now and when I forced it because I felt like I was breaking inside, she laughed at me or got upset that I did it at a time she wasn't ready. I told her I've been trying to talk and she replied by telling me I could have waited.
When my wife and I got married she said she prefers that I clean around the house that it meant more to her than me getting her cards and flowers. So I did that. I clean, did the laundry, and cooked on my day off when she was working. Sometimes she would come on and appreciate it and sometimes she would come home complaining that I didn't clean the counter or stove. So I cleaned those things next time.
I feel like I have no right to complain especially since I made her feel like she wasn't loved. I wish she had told me that earlier on. Sometimes I wonder if she's doing this to hurt me. Since she had told me that certain she had said was most likely because she wanted to hurt me.
I don't know if I'm forcing this. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
This is hard, I know, but it is important to look at yourself, too, to examine your feelings, wants, and needs. I wish you the best.
Maybe you have not been the best husband, I would not know, but please try to understand you are also being scapegoated here in my opinion. You are really hurting and you may not be seeing things clearly but you know something is very wrong with how wife is acting and how she blames you. Be careful, otherwise in your guilt, shame, and self blame you may not make wise decisions.
Yes, she is doing this to hurt you, but also to control and manipulate you. Good, nice people end marriages without the gaslighting and scapegoating and games playing. You have to work on you so that you see what is real. Every human has flaws and you likely have some things to fix, we all do.
Consider calling the other man's wife and finding out if the husband was on a boys trip that same weekend. Unless she has photos of her and the girls on her social media.
This so called girls trip, do you know any of the other women who went along on the trip? Any photos on social media of a group of them together on the trip?
A good divorce attorney would probably tell you not to move out of the house. Get yourself to a divorce attorney NOW. Find out your rights and obligations. THEN, get yourself to a good therapist who can help you find your strengths and see the BS and to cope with your grief.
If it is if she wants to leave why didn't she leave??... I wouldn't leave the house if it were me
I agree to talk with a lawyer.....
She sounds very immature and she is game playing... Narcissistic ... She's also inserting herself into another couple's marriage... Not cool at all
I'm really sorry that you're being so badly hurt.... xo
Being married to a narcissist....xo
https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/being-married-to-a-narcissist/
Love doesn’t come back unless both people make a concerted effort to act out of love for each other. Love isn’t just a noun; it’s also a verb. It’s an action. She does not act like she loves you. So believe her when she says she doesn’t. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound harsh but she is showing you exactly who she is. Don’t ignore or misinterpret that.
However, I think I have a little more hope for your marriage than the rest. I'm hoping that her almost a fling thing is really just to mess with you and not real. It would fit with the rest of your story.
Regardless, please consider marriage counseling. It will be a way to test her sincerity and also a way for you two to get help. My gut tells me that both of you love each other very much deep down, but neither of you know how to bridge that gap anymore. That's where the counselor comes in. He/she could really get at the disfunctions that both you and your wife have brought into this thing.
If she won't go, consider seeing someone on your own. A. You'll be working on yourself and B. The professional will be able to give you sound strategies on working with your wife.
Prayers bro.
So we had a conversation the following day and it looks like it's going toward divorce. When I started this I wanted to save our marriage but now, I'm okay with it.
I know if the feeling is gone we can get it back but when I was trying to get it back it was never good enough, she first told me I needed to try so I tried afterward she said I tried too much, She told me I needed to be more affectionate so I was and she told me I was too clingy! I got in a funk during the adoption process and covid, after 9 years together her response was people change, yes people change but that doesn't mean you stop trying. I just wish she had told me earlier how she was feeling instead of last minutes but the reality is covid was bad for us relationship-wise for 2 months afterward we did things together like baking and cooking different dishes and talked.
She was my first real relationship and thought it was going to be forever. I tell myself I was a great husband because I know I was and she even told me so but internally I'm worried that I wasn't good enough, I'm worried that I'll never be able to truly trust again, I'm not even sure I would want to have a wedding in the future, I don't know if I'll be the same.
I read all the comments and it meant a lot to me.
Thank you for everything
win, sort of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. That has nothing to do with you being a good or bad husband. That is her game playing and manipulative nature at work. She will never stop.
This behaviour comes from within her.... Don't own it sweetie..... It's not yours.....xo