I was Lawyer 20 years and we used to have the Monday morning black eyes. That was women whose partner had gotten drunk, then beat on her over the weekend. On Monday she applies for a non molestation order, ouster order and files charges. But by Wednesday a call would come, so many times, to drop it all. He is so sorry, he will not drink, think of the kids etc. Then maybe two or three weeks later shes back again. Love, loyalty, go figure.

Part of her is reaching out to save herself & her girls, but the other part is still very much under his power & domination. The fact that she started allowing him back around is proof of his power over her. It has to stop!!!

Women often stay in abusive relationships because they've become convinced that they just aren't worth *anything.* The abuser beats them down, not just physically, but mentally & emotionally. To the point where they have no self-esteem nor any self-confidence to leave.

Your sister desperately needs serious counseling to unravel this need to stay with someone who obviously doesn't care about her. She has to find out why/how this loss of self-esteem started, how to stop it and how to avoid this in future relationships.

She's staying with you at present so use this time to gently, but firmly get her to seek counseling from a local shelter or other agency that deals with domestic abuse. She has got to start taking this more seriously... she has to see that sooner or later this pattern of violence is going to escalate to the point where she ends up in the hospital or DEAD! And how long before he starts going after your neices? Your sister has to be made to see the grave danger she's putting her daughters (and herself) into!

I can understand why this all makes you soooo angry, but keep trying, keep being the voice of reason in her ear, and don't give up on her!!! It's going to be VERY hard for her to walk away from this and she'll face a long road in getting back to where she should be, emotionally. She honestly thinks she has no say here, but you must convince her that she does. Stay on her side and help her become empowered to help herself.

That's not "love" or "loyalty." That's straight out fear and domination. He's beaten down her emotions, will power, and sense of self preservation to the point where she honestly thinks she's nothing and can't function without his say so.

Women are raised to nurture others, but men like this abuse that severely. And what might have once been actual love is twisted into control and near slavery. Women like this want so badly to believe that he *does* care, that he's "changed," that he's truly sorry, but he'll prove her wrong time & again. The only way to get her out of this situation is for her to realize that she's capable of taking care of herself, that she's not the useless burden he's made her think she is. She needs to regain her self-esteem and self confidence otherwise it'll only get worse.

Thank you so much Andiekins....I know I have to keep trying to help and not give up on her......I know she has the desire to leave him, she working very hard in her personal life and trying to be better....
Thank you for telling me again how hard this must be on her! I forget to myself in her shoes sometimes.....
again thanks and a big huge:)

it has a lot with being emotionally and physically intimidated and controlled. Sometimes after a while a woman's self esteem can get so low she honestly doesn't believe she can do better or even deserves better... it becomes their way of life and they aren't comfortable trying to find themselves without that abusive partner again. I know it can be frustrating for people around them when they yo yo back and forth but you need to always be there and never give an ultimatum so she feels like eventually she can't come to you anymore. Stay involved in her life and be there for her as she goes on this roller coaster ride. She needs counsilling and sometimes the best place to start is asking a woman's shelter for advice on how to speak and react and support your sister.

I am still trying to be understanding.....but it has come to me just staying out of it....I try to be ther if she needs me but to hear her on the phone saying I love you and her running over there everynight ater putting the kids to bed, drives me nuts....I dont critisize anymore, i just stay out and try to be here if she needs to talk....but I cant deal with hearing about thier arguments anymore!!! She does have a counseling appt. and say shew wants to try again....so well see what happens next....I just want to protect my nieces and she has been keeping him away from them....some.....not completly....and they are so confused too, they are only 8 and 9 yrs old.....they say they are glad to be away from him but then the oldest sometimes misses him.....I try to keep her in reality though..."he is a bad guy" and she does know that....she cant even get them in counseling b/c they are not even suppose to see him EVER..by CPS....its so messed up....
Sorry just downloading some....hopfully she will find the strength to leave him but I can not continue to get my hopes up anymore.....I will just try to listen and hold back judgment

my older sis has been putting up with abusive behaviour for over 5 years. she got pregnant at 17 and probably had the picture of a perfect life with her baby and her bf. well her bf ended up bein the guy who would throw her around by her neck, kick her out and tell her to take her baby but not give her any baby stuff because he paid for it, etc. she always went back to him. well she left a couple yrs into it. but as soon as someone else shows interest she jumped for him. well for the last 2 yrs she's moved from each of his parents house becus he would get kicked out for not having a job, beat her when she was pregnant with his first child, missed most of the second pregnancy cus he was in jail. he kicked and punched her, making her cry so hard she was throwing up. he even went out and cheated on her, said he felt bad but it wasnt a big deal cus it only 5 mins. she's still with him. she got cut off welfare becus she let him back in. he didnt get a job cus he was too lazy to walk to the library to print off a resume. i still have to hear about all the things he's done to her one min, then the next she's defending. well, he owes restitution money which has to be paid by nov or else he's back in jail. i'm sorry i just had to vent that. i kno its hard, but be there for her. i've pretty much given up on my sis cus i'm prego now and have enough worries, but just be there for her.

Yes Amy, same story with her.....physical abuse(not recently though), the cheating, not working, just choas!!! You have to worry about yourself and your baby on the way......you never know when its going to end or if it ever will......yeah, im there for her because she says this is her safe place and she has some control back......so, well see.....but we have to distance ourselves........I really hope her bf does end up in jail, sounds like where he needs to be and I wish more than anything that my sisters bf would but unfortunatly he has never been in trouble with the law....though he should be for doing the stuff he has done to her!

Well thanks for sharing Amy, it helps to know other understand.....and yes, YOU MUST WORRY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BABY FIRST!!!!!!!! dont feel one bit of guilt

I have an opinion, based on my own experience. I lived in an abusive relationship for 5 years.

I have learned that i am actually attracted to women who are cruel and abusive and manipulative. I dont know exactly why this is i just know its true.

It took my x wife attacking me with a knife before i finally understood i had to leave. I would probably have stayed with her even after that but she filed for divorce.

I got myself in therapy, because i didnt like my own behaviors, i screamed and yelled and really thought i was just a horrible person, but really all i was doing was reacting to the way i was treated.

I learned my behaviors were considered codependant...and that adds to a bunch of other addictions i was facing.

I dont really know how you could best help her other than to suggest you do what you can to learn about codependancy and perhaps find ways to non obtrusively share what you learn with her. we will be here to support you as you do your best to love your sister thru this.

There's not much you can do when it comes to your sister other than to be a positive, reassuring voice in her ear that there's a better life for her... all she has to do is want it bad enough. Bad enough to walk away from this abuse. She has to stop this over-dependence on this guy who's nothing but wrong for her.

But you can help your neices. Be sure to be a positive role model for them. And if your sister shows any signs of going back to this guy, I'd be talking to CPS about taking the girls to make sure at least they're safe from him. Your sister is downplaying the harm that could happen to them in her mind and you have to be watchful over them in her place. The best situation is if they have family to stay with. And maybe the threat of being separated from her girls would help her see the errors in her thinking. Unless he's warped her thinking so much that she's almost willing to let the girls go in order to be with him.