Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Ok haven't been on here for a long time. I've been dating a man for 9 months. Things are pretty good. He has two boys that are 4 and 6 and I have a son that is 12. I'm 40. Sorry for all the details. We have only got to go out by ourselves like 4 times since we've been dating. I have talked to him about it and he said he feels bad about it. He has his boys more than the ex. I am so proud of him for being a good dad but I guess I don't feel important. I feel bad for being selfish. I wanted him to watch fire works with me on the fourth but he said it would be too sad without his boys. I love my son so much but I need some time away too. He doesn't see it that way. I am not a selfish person really. I feel bad because I haven't been very happy lately. I guess its just something I have to deal with. What's your thought s? Oh by the way my son is cordial to him but told me he doesn't like him much. Makes me wonder if I should continue?
What happens when the kids are all grown up and because you always put them first, you never really bothered to invest in a relationship of your own, and you end up all alone? Yes, kids are important, but at the same time, I think that people go too far and sacrifice too much of themselves for the kids. Its not about being a kid-hater. I believe in balance, but apparently very few others actually agree with this sort of philosophy.
I mean, I wouldn't put up with being second best in a non-kid relationship, so why accept that from someone who has kids?
If you don't want to put effort into your partner, stay a single parent and don't bother dating. It really is as simple as that.
Theres no reason both cant be equally important - just in different ways.
You make so many excellent points and I really appreciate you sharing them! Although I am 27 and have no kids, nor does my fiance have children, I can see where there is friction @frustratedar. One thing that jumped out at me was when you said that your son doesn't really like him much. Are there any details with why he might not approve of him? I wouldn't base whether you date him or not based on how your son feels about him. Sure, it's completely important that they have a good relationship with one another, but it also takes time. I've found from reading various article that sons tend to be more protective about their mothers and aren't as easy to convince when another man comes around. I think your s/o sounds like a great dad. It would be a good idea to sit down and talk with him more about it like @aronia suggested. Maybe his true priorities just aren't where yours are right now? In any rate, honesty is the best policy and it would be better sooner than later to have this conversation. 9 months is close to a year and that's a lot of time to spend on someone that might not be in it for the long haul.