Spending a long portion of your life with someone, on someone, only to have it fall apart in the end seems like a waste of time for sure..
I don't have any words of wisdom on that matter and when you are grieving there is really not one insight that can make it feel better, just like there is not much to say that is comofrting when someone dies.

One thing I learned from my therapist is that we have to grieve "well " to get through the loss and let ourselves feel whatever comes.
I always tend to bottle things up and shove it away showing little emotion, move on asap. I think this is why I always dated quickly after break ups. Apparently it is not so smart.

My wish for you is that some day you will eventually be with someone real, genuine, loving and and for you to be at peace with what happened and to know that the difficult path you are walking now had to be followed to lead you to the happy place.

Thank you Aronia that meant a lot..

I know what happened wasn't ok. I know that she did something reprehensible and even if was too emotional or needy or sucky, I didn't deserve it. I did deserve to have her be honest with me or let me off the hook before stringing me along. I know all these things in the most logical possible way to know them.

I think I need to speak with a counselor. I want to get out in front of this mess but I know it's not a snap of my fingers.

I feel like I have a blueprint on how to go about healing but I can't understand the directions.

If I am being totally honest, I feel pretty ashamed of myself that I let it get this far. I am embarassed.

You did deserve honestly and respect..some people are incapable of that. It is like a disease. Normal people do not hop from guy to guy, from relationship to relationship when they are still living together with someone.
You were holding on to hope that You could work things out in your relstionship, it is a commendable quality, not a downfall. She just didnt appreciate it. Someone else will.

Aronia your words of encouragement lift my spirits. Thank you so much!

Xo

I completely understand the feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. When all you are looking for is a fulfilling, healthy relationship and things keep going south, it's hard to not feel beaten down. Especially when it turns out that all efforts made were one-sided.

Give yourself time to heal. Talk, to friends or a counselor. Do things that you love to do. After my last relationship ended, I really realized how many things I liked to do that I was never able to do with him around. Enjoy YOURSELF. And my advice, when you're on the other side of it all, is to keep yourself out there. You never know when someone will come along and take you by surprise. And those are the best surprises.

Please know you are not the only one who has felt ashamed at letting things go on as long as they did, or for having allowed yourself to be suckered by someone in whatever way you felt you were.
I think there are many of us who probably look back and wonder how we could have done what we did, and have allowed ourselves to waste so much time on someone who treated us so badly in so many ways. I know I did.

Please don't waste any more of your life allowing her, by your thoughts of her or yourself beating up on yourself rob you of anymore of your valuable time. I hope that sentence made sense.

There is often guilt on both sides in some way or another, but the best possible thing we can do for ourselves is to learn from it and help ourselves never allow it to happen again. Forever beating up on ourselves about the past, is not going to help us move forward. If we can give it a good long hard look to see what was honestly our part in it, that can be good so that we can know what not to do again. But then once we have allowed ourselves to really feel all the feelings that come up in the waves that they do, we need to put the past in the past, so that we can move forward to something better in the future.

I know right now it may not seem possible, but I promise you that over time you will slowly start to feel better. You will see the low periods get shorter and the happier or more peaceful times get longer.
Try to pamper yourself a bit instead of recriminating yourself. At least for a short while. Your emotions have been put through the wringer - and it can be physically as well as emotionally draining.

I think most if not all of us go through that stage of feeling lost and directionless or rudderless. It's a horrible feeling when you are experiencing it, but it too will pass. Just treat yourself gently and with a bit of kindness.
As they say, when the brokenness is given the proper amount of time to heal you will find you are a stronger and better person on the other side of the healing process.

Look at that 13 years as a learning experience. Anything you learned from is never a waste of time.

It's impossible for me to believe that you spent 13 years of nothing together, some substance must have occurred. Instead of focusing your attention on this failed relationship I suggest you turn it on yourself, fall in love with yourself quite possibly for the first time, and then go out and present yourself to the world again.

It feels like 13 years of nothing because time is a valuable investment commodity just like money. You look back now and go, if I only knew. How many things do we say that about, a lot. As long as you learn something and don't repeat the same mistakes, it's worth it.

I think that what you are feeling is probably normal.

It is great that you are considering counseling to help you with this.

Don't beat yourself up.....you are human.

@Stressed and onetoomany -

Thanks you all.

Stressed, you nailed it on the head. One day, I won't concentrate on 13 years that ended in failure, but that day is not today. Time is a valuable commodity, you are so right about that.

You will get better friend. It's hard to see now, but you will. Channel the sadness into something productive to make you feel better. Find a church or volunteer group and get some satisfaction from helping others, it's great therapy you don't have to pay for.