Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
As I stated on the other forums, both Gabrielle and I have felt it would be a good thing to have a place where we can freely discuss our faith journey, what has worked, what hasn't worked, or even been a hindrance, and provide further assistance along a more spiritual dimension as we all struggle along this path. And do so without fearing we might offend others by doing so who are not of faith, or are but don't like to talk about that openly.
So we'll see if there is any interest in this type of discussions. If not, and it falls flat, we'll close up shop at some point that becomes apparent. But we know a lot of those on the Infidelity and Rebuilding forums are Christian, and perhaps like us, they'd like to not only be free to discuss these things more openly, but to get input on what has worked and not worked from others' experiences.
So, feel free to jump in and ask questions, offer what has helped you, etc. We'll see if there is interest in doing this.
So we'll see if there is any interest in this type of discussions. If not, and it falls flat, we'll close up shop at some point that becomes apparent. But we know a lot of those on the Infidelity and Rebuilding forums are Christian, and perhaps like us, they'd like to not only be free to discuss these things more openly, but to get input on what has worked and not worked from others' experiences.
So, feel free to jump in and ask questions, offer what has helped you, etc. We'll see if there is interest in doing this.
She lives with us although we are getting her ready to move out on her own in the next few months as she gets a job. She has had anxiety disorder and lived with us for 3 years and been unable to function in the outside world much....
My husband says he'll do anything to get me to stay and they both (upon seeing how I was hurt....which is like DUH!!!) have gone back to a platonic relationship - as close to father/daughter as you can get.
But no matter the situation in that realm, it certainly is a bad situation for you. Like, how can you even be sure they are staying "platonic"? Hard to imagine having the OP be your own daughter. And I can guarantee you it didn't "just happen." There were boundaries crossed before it "just happened" that they gave into, decided to let it go, and what happened is when it was obvious what they were going to do, they didn't stop it. Which is in effect, deciding to do it.
What you all need is some really good counseling, because this is a really emotionally messy situation. Not something you can sort out on your own so easily. And they both need to work on themselves and why they would even allow themselves to think they should go there. Something is wrong in the thinking and heart to allow that to happen, and they need to dig deep and figure it out.
Good that you are waiting to make any final decisions. See what the next months will bring, and whether he and she make the efforts to fix what they've broken or not. A lot rides on what they do with this, how intense they invest in repairing the damage not only to the relationships, but within themselves.
I have to say that my husband is doing everything he can to save the marriage. He will check with me before he goes anywhere and make sure that I know where he is and what he is doing. I have total access to his computer/cell phone/ anything I want. He spends a lot of time listening to me - trying to hear where I'm at and he has never once blamed me even though I see areas in the marriage where I was at fault for some problems. He says that the choices were 100% his and he even removes the blame from our daughter because while she is to blame - the fact is - he was the instigator - he was/is her father and he should have protected her and not abused her even if it was mutual consent.
I have put boundaries on their relationship - I don't mind a quick hug - because she and he used to do that all the time as father/daughter. But that is the extent of physical touch for them that I will allow and even that is sorta rare....like when he gets home from work and we're all together in the kitchen. (They both need touch as a form of love and I'm not going to deny her the touch of a father as long as it is appropriate).
Today he had a doctor's appointment and he asked since they were doing bloodwork to do testing for STDs. Our daughter had been sexually active before...so he knows that he could have exposed us to something (we pray he didn't).
I have got to say that I am amazed at how loving and patient he is with me. We will probably go to counseling in the future - right now our car needs work so he rides his motorcycle to work and runs errands for us. Once the car is running again - I will at least start counseling for myself and probably get help for my daughter. I am not ready to go into counseling "with" him because I want to figure out for myself what I want first.
Part of me wants very much to save the marriage...you don't throw away 32 years that easily. But part of me wants to walk away and say "forget it". We had a lot of problems in our marriage - we've never really communicated well - we have no real shared interests - and when he gets angry and explodes verbally it hurts me so much. I don't know if I can take it or want to take it anymore. Then again - I can see things I did wrong too - things that made him feel like he was unloved and unlovable. He and our daughter are so much alike in personality and interests and stuff that I can almost understand how things happened. I say this because about a month earlier I'd been in a situation with someone (not emotional or physical - just in the same place) and they listened to me and talked to me and I was feeling like, "Oh...I wish I was married to someone who is more like me...".
I guess I best shut up - I ramble way too much. But I look forward to reading and learning on this site.
I am supposed to be writing an article for this group called healing steps for the CS but that little book Cole recommended for the CS on the other thread is quite good and thorough but also short enough that it is not overwhelming for someone who doesn't read too much.
For me, this whole thing has been a spiritual battle. I lost many battles during my A time to "bad girl" but I am not losing to her anymore. It would be good if your H could have regular talks with a very spiritual balanced person who could guide and direct him. He needs to do some serious spiritual work. Prayers and readings etc.
Right after Dday I got several assignments from my priest. One was the weekly confessions and he told me to pray the Jesus prayer to help me through the hard times with my feelings and thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I would say it almost frantically. "O Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner." Mercy to me means love in action. If I am getting that from God it pretty well covers all the bases. It was very hard to pray for a while after Dday so I stuck to this small prayer plus some Psalms, which are prayers mostly. I also found a few written prayers that I found very helpful. He also asked me to read scripture every day and to make that easier I found a daily bible reading and a lesson that comes to my e-mail. I get my e-mail on my phone so it is there for me anytime, anywhere. I have gradually added on more spiritual disciplines over time as I or my priest thought I was ready for more. Some he gave me, some I gave myself. I suppose I cling to these disciplines for security since I feel my only true source of feeling safe and secure should come from God.
As for your H believing in Polygamy and using that to help him accept what he wanted to do, I get that. I used the polygamy thought as part of my "talk me into it" strategy as well. Plus a whole lot of other crap. I wrote a piece that I actually ended up putting a lot of mind effort into called "Not Why but How". I saved it as a journal entry. It really goes into the mental gymnastics that go on while convincing yourself to do what you want to do and ignore what stands in the way. It has actually helped some BS's. I have another journal entry that I entitled "what the CS must do." I wrote that for a couple of BS's and it has helped a few people including a CS.
I hope you and your H and daughter will be able to learn a lot and rebuild yourselves and each other and have many many breakthroughs because it certainly takes a lot of them. I always say, keep em coming God.
Keep us updated on how things are going.