Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
I've entertained the idea before. As some of you know, it seems God had a hand in me discovering what was going on. In the midst of her affair, Gabi would have these "moments of clarity" that she perceived the damage she was doing, but felt too deep into it to stop. And she would pray "God, save me from myself." The last time she prayed that was the Sunday before dday, that following Tuesday night/early Wed. morning. And I installed a key logger on her computer the very evening she had a chat with one of her online sex chat buddies, where she for the first time talked about the affair she was having with him. And I read that log after she went to bed.
Gabi says God ratted her out, totally and completely so she'd have no reason to hide anything, because I knew it all before I talked to her. And I do feel God had a hand in pulling all that together, both by me noticing on the phone bill that she'd sent pictures to two email addresses with men's names on it I didn't recognize, to her talking about her affair for the first time online, the very night I installed the key logger.
But then I think, "Why didn't God stop this early, before more damage was done?" I may never have a good answer to that. Not that there may not be one, but I'll never know it. Because most likely God knew what the outcome would be this direction, and it was the least of all evils, so to speak, and at least has had some positive consequences despite the pain. And He may have known that me catching it earlier would have caused her to hide parts I didn't discover, like the BJ she gave the first man. If I'd discovered she was just sex chatting on line, as bad as that was, I'd never would have guessed she'd gone all the way. And in her mental state, she wouldn't have told me.
And if that had happened, there is a good chance I wouldn't have changed my habits about spending more time with her. And if that hadn't happened, her fears of being alone with the kids left the house, being with me rarely talking or interacting with her, she may have veered even further off course, and felt less attached to me than she did now. As it was, the affair was short enough that she even told the OM that if I found out, the affair would be over, that she would chose me over him. And when I asked her on dday what she wanted to do, me or him, she enthusiastically said me. And it was that determination that I think has caused her to invest herself so strongly in rebuilding.
Plus, if I'd discovered that info later, I'd feel more like being subjected to the trickle truth, and trust would have been wiped out so much, I may not have been able to recover.
I can see a scenario play out where I discovered her sex chatting, she quit that, but still had the desires in her heart for attention that I was failing to give her. Our youngest son goes off to college this coming August. She feels alone. Hooks up with another guy and because of the emotional distance between us, begins to see him as her salvation from a life of loneliness she has to look forward to with me. Upon discovery, she could feel a lot more attachment to the OM than me, and be much more ambivalent about committing to rebuilding. As of dday, that was just a fear. But she may have actually felt lonely once that time came.
So, who knows? Maybe this was the best of all possible options given the sins we were committing against each other, and the best way to motivate us to correct them, painful though it be. In the end, we just accept that what is, is what is. That God specializes in bring good out of the bad. And even if it ended in divorce, that God can still open new doors and bring good out of it. And the good news is, now, she looks forward to the future with me. She no longer fears feeling alone with me.
That is something Gabi learned recently. She'd always trusted that God could do whatever, but she didn't feel she could know that He'd do what she wanted Him to do, what she thought was best, because God may have other ideas. What she discovered is that she had failed to trust in God's care and love, that He would help bring about what is best for her and me, and not just what we think is the right course.
And ultimately, that's where we have to leave it. I'm sure if God's could send a message by angel or whatever, that he would respond something like, "Why? Because I have to take what you give me to work with and make the best come out of it I can. I could explain it, but it might blow your mind. You'll have to trust me."
Anyone else have struggled over the "why" question?
Gabi says God ratted her out, totally and completely so she'd have no reason to hide anything, because I knew it all before I talked to her. And I do feel God had a hand in pulling all that together, both by me noticing on the phone bill that she'd sent pictures to two email addresses with men's names on it I didn't recognize, to her talking about her affair for the first time online, the very night I installed the key logger.
But then I think, "Why didn't God stop this early, before more damage was done?" I may never have a good answer to that. Not that there may not be one, but I'll never know it. Because most likely God knew what the outcome would be this direction, and it was the least of all evils, so to speak, and at least has had some positive consequences despite the pain. And He may have known that me catching it earlier would have caused her to hide parts I didn't discover, like the BJ she gave the first man. If I'd discovered she was just sex chatting on line, as bad as that was, I'd never would have guessed she'd gone all the way. And in her mental state, she wouldn't have told me.
And if that had happened, there is a good chance I wouldn't have changed my habits about spending more time with her. And if that hadn't happened, her fears of being alone with the kids left the house, being with me rarely talking or interacting with her, she may have veered even further off course, and felt less attached to me than she did now. As it was, the affair was short enough that she even told the OM that if I found out, the affair would be over, that she would chose me over him. And when I asked her on dday what she wanted to do, me or him, she enthusiastically said me. And it was that determination that I think has caused her to invest herself so strongly in rebuilding.
Plus, if I'd discovered that info later, I'd feel more like being subjected to the trickle truth, and trust would have been wiped out so much, I may not have been able to recover.
I can see a scenario play out where I discovered her sex chatting, she quit that, but still had the desires in her heart for attention that I was failing to give her. Our youngest son goes off to college this coming August. She feels alone. Hooks up with another guy and because of the emotional distance between us, begins to see him as her salvation from a life of loneliness she has to look forward to with me. Upon discovery, she could feel a lot more attachment to the OM than me, and be much more ambivalent about committing to rebuilding. As of dday, that was just a fear. But she may have actually felt lonely once that time came.
So, who knows? Maybe this was the best of all possible options given the sins we were committing against each other, and the best way to motivate us to correct them, painful though it be. In the end, we just accept that what is, is what is. That God specializes in bring good out of the bad. And even if it ended in divorce, that God can still open new doors and bring good out of it. And the good news is, now, she looks forward to the future with me. She no longer fears feeling alone with me.
That is something Gabi learned recently. She'd always trusted that God could do whatever, but she didn't feel she could know that He'd do what she wanted Him to do, what she thought was best, because God may have other ideas. What she discovered is that she had failed to trust in God's care and love, that He would help bring about what is best for her and me, and not just what we think is the right course.
And ultimately, that's where we have to leave it. I'm sure if God's could send a message by angel or whatever, that he would respond something like, "Why? Because I have to take what you give me to work with and make the best come out of it I can. I could explain it, but it might blow your mind. You'll have to trust me."
Anyone else have struggled over the "why" question?
Yes. I was walking extremely close with God before and after dday. Now, when I look back I can't help but think of the poem, "Footprints in the Sand." For He was certainly carrying me and He did so for an a long time.
Loved reading all the replies...
Even tho its been 4 yrs, and I think he is at it again. This still helped me...
Do you feel things weren't addressed and dealt with the first time around, or you thought they were, but now you're not so sure, or...?
Sorry you're looking at potentially going through this again. Yuk. But glad we were able to offer some help.
1. Prevents them from really exploring what happened, why they allowed it to happen, and take preventative measures to keep it from happening again.
2. Keep the CS in the fog. The only way to get rid of the fog is to face what you did and deal with it, not hide from it.
3. Prevent the CS from healing. Not talking about it is merely rug sweeping, and means instead of healing it, it becomes an infection that continues to grow.
4. Prevents the BS from healing. Before the BS can move on, they have to get a clear picture of what happened, and feel that the CS acknowledges it, accepts it, is remorseful for it, and has taken steps to address his or her vulnerabilities. When that doesn't happen, the BS will feel there are still hidden secrets out there ready to send them into dday #2, that the CS is covering up, isn't taking responsibility for their actions (even if they say they are, the actions don't match), and the BS is unable to bring it to a resolution so they can accept it, put it to bed, and move forward.
5. It makes it much more likely the CS will repeat an affair. Not talking about it and dealing with it and facing the full impact of what the CS did to the BS and the marriage, will minimize the devestation in the CS's mind, prevent healing and measures from being put in place to deal with it, and so make the chances it will happen again that much more likely. Much like someone who takes just enough antibiotic to cause the symptoms of an infection to go away, but not get rid of the infection. Instead, that only makes it more resistant when it pops up again to healing. You've got to take all the antibiotic, take all the measures to deal with the affair. It isn't about avoiding pain, it is about healing.
The bottom line is, if a CS takes the position, or even the BS, of just not talking about it, ignore it, then they have ensured the failure of rebuilding and the marriage except in the rarest of cases. It will either end in divorce or a miserable life together.
Hopefully you can impress upon him the necessity to talk about it.