Healing Infidelity Through Faith Community Group
A place for those experiencing infidelity, rebuilding from infidelity, or dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, both unfaithful and hurt partners, and to be free to express how our faith, primarily Christians but others are also welcome, has or is being used to deal with our issues and hurts. All posters are expected to be respectful of each others faith experiences...
I've entertained the idea before. As some of you know, it seems God had a hand in me discovering what was going on. In the midst of her affair, Gabi would have these "moments of clarity" that she perceived the damage she was doing, but felt too deep into it to stop. And she would pray "God, save me from myself." The last time she prayed that was the Sunday before dday, that following Tuesday night/early Wed. morning. And I installed a key logger on her computer the very evening she had a chat with one of her online sex chat buddies, where she for the first time talked about the affair she was having with him. And I read that log after she went to bed.
Gabi says God ratted her out, totally and completely so she'd have no reason to hide anything, because I knew it all before I talked to her. And I do feel God had a hand in pulling all that together, both by me noticing on the phone bill that she'd sent pictures to two email addresses with men's names on it I didn't recognize, to her talking about her affair for the first time online, the very night I installed the key logger.
But then I think, "Why didn't God stop this early, before more damage was done?" I may never have a good answer to that. Not that there may not be one, but I'll never know it. Because most likely God knew what the outcome would be this direction, and it was the least of all evils, so to speak, and at least has had some positive consequences despite the pain. And He may have known that me catching it earlier would have caused her to hide parts I didn't discover, like the BJ she gave the first man. If I'd discovered she was just sex chatting on line, as bad as that was, I'd never would have guessed she'd gone all the way. And in her mental state, she wouldn't have told me.
And if that had happened, there is a good chance I wouldn't have changed my habits about spending more time with her. And if that hadn't happened, her fears of being alone with the kids left the house, being with me rarely talking or interacting with her, she may have veered even further off course, and felt less attached to me than she did now. As it was, the affair was short enough that she even told the OM that if I found out, the affair would be over, that she would chose me over him. And when I asked her on dday what she wanted to do, me or him, she enthusiastically said me. And it was that determination that I think has caused her to invest herself so strongly in rebuilding.
Plus, if I'd discovered that info later, I'd feel more like being subjected to the trickle truth, and trust would have been wiped out so much, I may not have been able to recover.
I can see a scenario play out where I discovered her sex chatting, she quit that, but still had the desires in her heart for attention that I was failing to give her. Our youngest son goes off to college this coming August. She feels alone. Hooks up with another guy and because of the emotional distance between us, begins to see him as her salvation from a life of loneliness she has to look forward to with me. Upon discovery, she could feel a lot more attachment to the OM than me, and be much more ambivalent about committing to rebuilding. As of dday, that was just a fear. But she may have actually felt lonely once that time came.
So, who knows? Maybe this was the best of all possible options given the sins we were committing against each other, and the best way to motivate us to correct them, painful though it be. In the end, we just accept that what is, is what is. That God specializes in bring good out of the bad. And even if it ended in divorce, that God can still open new doors and bring good out of it. And the good news is, now, she looks forward to the future with me. She no longer fears feeling alone with me.
That is something Gabi learned recently. She'd always trusted that God could do whatever, but she didn't feel she could know that He'd do what she wanted Him to do, what she thought was best, because God may have other ideas. What she discovered is that she had failed to trust in God's care and love, that He would help bring about what is best for her and me, and not just what we think is the right course.
And ultimately, that's where we have to leave it. I'm sure if God's could send a message by angel or whatever, that he would respond something like, "Why? Because I have to take what you give me to work with and make the best come out of it I can. I could explain it, but it might blow your mind. You'll have to trust me."
Anyone else have struggled over the "why" question?
Gabi says God ratted her out, totally and completely so she'd have no reason to hide anything, because I knew it all before I talked to her. And I do feel God had a hand in pulling all that together, both by me noticing on the phone bill that she'd sent pictures to two email addresses with men's names on it I didn't recognize, to her talking about her affair for the first time online, the very night I installed the key logger.
But then I think, "Why didn't God stop this early, before more damage was done?" I may never have a good answer to that. Not that there may not be one, but I'll never know it. Because most likely God knew what the outcome would be this direction, and it was the least of all evils, so to speak, and at least has had some positive consequences despite the pain. And He may have known that me catching it earlier would have caused her to hide parts I didn't discover, like the BJ she gave the first man. If I'd discovered she was just sex chatting on line, as bad as that was, I'd never would have guessed she'd gone all the way. And in her mental state, she wouldn't have told me.
And if that had happened, there is a good chance I wouldn't have changed my habits about spending more time with her. And if that hadn't happened, her fears of being alone with the kids left the house, being with me rarely talking or interacting with her, she may have veered even further off course, and felt less attached to me than she did now. As it was, the affair was short enough that she even told the OM that if I found out, the affair would be over, that she would chose me over him. And when I asked her on dday what she wanted to do, me or him, she enthusiastically said me. And it was that determination that I think has caused her to invest herself so strongly in rebuilding.
Plus, if I'd discovered that info later, I'd feel more like being subjected to the trickle truth, and trust would have been wiped out so much, I may not have been able to recover.
I can see a scenario play out where I discovered her sex chatting, she quit that, but still had the desires in her heart for attention that I was failing to give her. Our youngest son goes off to college this coming August. She feels alone. Hooks up with another guy and because of the emotional distance between us, begins to see him as her salvation from a life of loneliness she has to look forward to with me. Upon discovery, she could feel a lot more attachment to the OM than me, and be much more ambivalent about committing to rebuilding. As of dday, that was just a fear. But she may have actually felt lonely once that time came.
So, who knows? Maybe this was the best of all possible options given the sins we were committing against each other, and the best way to motivate us to correct them, painful though it be. In the end, we just accept that what is, is what is. That God specializes in bring good out of the bad. And even if it ended in divorce, that God can still open new doors and bring good out of it. And the good news is, now, she looks forward to the future with me. She no longer fears feeling alone with me.
That is something Gabi learned recently. She'd always trusted that God could do whatever, but she didn't feel she could know that He'd do what she wanted Him to do, what she thought was best, because God may have other ideas. What she discovered is that she had failed to trust in God's care and love, that He would help bring about what is best for her and me, and not just what we think is the right course.
And ultimately, that's where we have to leave it. I'm sure if God's could send a message by angel or whatever, that he would respond something like, "Why? Because I have to take what you give me to work with and make the best come out of it I can. I could explain it, but it might blow your mind. You'll have to trust me."
Anyone else have struggled over the "why" question?
This will sound strange, but DDay was the most alive i had felt in a long time as far as our marriage went. i was relieved to feel jealousy and insecurity instead of nothing.
Unbeknownst to me, H and I had both been sitting in church for weeks (maybe months) praying for God to heal our marriage. Maybe this is what it took ...
My feeling is that God made us with the ability to make choices and that is part of the reason we are here... to learn to follow Him with out being forced. We deal with the consequences of our choices, whether they are good or bad. It is a concept i have tried to teach to my children. God will not force you to choose anything... He will send the promptings of the Holy Spirit to guide you, but ultimately you still choose and will be accountable for those choices.
The other thing I realized during all this, is the reality of Satan as well as God. I have always believed that he exsisted, but more as almost a fairy tale... Since this happened I have felt him attack me. I would be driving down the freeway by myself, trying not to think abt the A, when suddenly a thought pops in my head "Yank the wheel and wreck... your whole life is worthless because he did this to you. You are worthless." Another time, just as I was waking, I heard a voice in my head say "Someone this broken can't be fixed." Both times I recognized that Satan was trying to destroy me just as he was destroying my H. I prayed in the name of my Savior that Satan be cast out of my heart and mind. It worked! Satan wants us to fail and be miserable, but God wants us to succeed.
Christ suffered and died on the cross to atone for our sins. He wants to help us overcome our sins. Otherwise, His suffering would be in vain.
I haven't put much in journals or anything, but dday was 10/11 and I found out that my H had had 4 affairs over the course of 12 years. I was totally devestated because I really thought we were happily married and in love... just the normal ups and downs of married life. From the A I caught him in, he has struggled with NC and today is 3 weeks since NC if he is telling the truth (that is questionable... deep fog over here). Prayer has been my sustaining strength. This past week as I struggled with feeling like a complete failure as a woman because of my husbands choices, I was prompted to read Proverbs. I honestly dont think I have ever read Proverbs... just the occasional verse. I found Proverbs 31:29-30. I realized that I was on the path towards God and even if my H was struggling with the consequences of following the temptations of Satan, that didn't make me a worthless failure. (which is how I felt). I also cried as I read Proverbs 3:5-6. This one I have been familiar with because that has been my constant prayer "Lord, Lead me." My situation has become so messed up that I feel like any sane person would've walked away by now. I am having trouble trusting my own judgement and have prayed for the Lord to lead me and I would do what He asks. He keeps telling me to be patient and have faith.
Anyway... My husband made a choice to sin and turn away from everything he believes and I have to deal with the pain of his choices, but God has never left me alone. My faith and belief in God is much stronger now than it was 6 months ago. I have had to get on my knees more than ever before in my life and if nothing else good comes out of this and even if my marriage does not survive, I know that God is real and loves me and is aware of me and helping me through my pain. In many ways my pain helps me draw closer to Jesus Christ and appreciate his sacrifice for us.
@trying, a very good attitude and orientation toward this with God. I think when the storm hits like an A, you find out what your faith is made of. The houses built on shifting sands tend to blow down, while those on the firm foundation weather the storm and come out stronger for having been tested.
But, yeah, the testing and storm is not enjoyable to go through.
I still fight my battles and I still feel my pain. The recent car to car interaction I had with OM put me in turmoil for a day of deep thought and prayer. Some of what hits me when I am alone I sense as attacks and some I don't. Prior to my absolution I did not perceive any of it as attacks but just as consequences of my sins. I accepted the condemnations as truth and as something I deserved.
My "why" question has been this: There is a verse that says that God will not allow you to be tempted beyond that which you can bear but will make a way of escape. I have felt at times that my temptation was beyond that which I could bear. I fought so hard for so long. What is the truth of this? Was the way of escape made for me earlier in the process and I missed it but once I got in too deep the way was gone? Was there another way made and I missed that too? I can only think of one obvious thing that could have been a way of escape that I missed and that is a person I felt compelled to talk to and tell my story after OM#1 and before all the rest started up. Was that the way of escape that I missed? I know the way out was there all along but I didn't stop it. I could have stopped it any time. I accept this as a fact but frankly when I was in it?......IDK I did not feel able to make it stop. I felt more like I was in the rapids with nothing to grab on to. When I got caught I felt like I was standing in the middle of a ton of rubble as a survivor of a catastrophe and I was being plucked out of the rubble and taken straight to intensive care to begin the healing. This is why I felt like a victim for so long and it took me a long time to accept responsibility for what I did. I DO accept full responsibility. Believe me. However, I still have the vivid memories of how I felt at the time so it is kind of a conflicting issue.
Sometimes when I hear that verse I just frown because I feel a disconnect with it....like it failed me somehow. This is an issue I have not really dealt with. It is just kind of there in the way and I trip over it once in a while.
I believe the verse though so I just accept that the way of escape had to have been there but my choices kept me from seeing it or having access once I was on that slippery slope. I almost completely blocked God from having access to ME and I know he will usually only work with what we give him to work with although occasionally he goes outside those bounds. Such as the bright light blinding Saul and the booming voice from heaven.
I didn't know I was gonna go into all that. It just kinda happened. Any thoughts on the matter anyone?
I have a 14 year old daughter and it is agonizing at times to let her make mistakes and learn from them when it would be so easy to swoop in and clean it all up for her. God is not a helicopter parent! He lets us fall and find our way back.
In Genesis, it says "20 Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. 21 The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even thougha every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. "
This seems to say that mankind had become so evil that God felt it was better to destroy most of them instead of rehabilitating. But he was so grieved by his actions that he put the rainbow in the sky as a sign of his new covenant with us - that he would never become so annoyed and impatient with us that he would destroy all living creatures again.
So yes, we will be tempted time and time again and sometimes we will fail. We will be imperfect. we will fall. But because we are Easter people, God have given us a way to repent of our wrongdoings and start new. To receive forgiveness and move forward.
When the brain convinces you, "You have to have this or you'll die," saying no can be very hard. But even then, if you really wanted to stop it, you could. But that is the real issue. To want to do that more than wanting to allow it to happen because you know the cost will be too high. But it can be hard to do it, but not impossible.
But there is also the decision to cross boundaries, which is generally easier to stop at that point. Being aware of them and saying no then is a good way of escape. And the temptations we experience sometimes are of our own making, because we ignored boundaries that should not be crossed.
But I take that verse as essentially saying there is always a way of escape. It might be hard to take, but there is a way, and we are not helpless. That is a lie of the enemy.
One of the areas Gabi realized she'd grown weak in over the months/years preceding the A, is her spiritual life suffered. She didn't feel as close to God as she had in years past. And that weakness made it easier for the enemy to tempt her, and when she fell, to not find the strength to say no.
So another area that we can escape temptation is to keep ourselves strong spiritually and call upon God's help when we are faced with what seems a temptation beyond what we can endure.
Also I would have to admit there have been many times, even now, that I have been afraid to ask for His help because I'm afraid of how it will come and if I can make it through the fire, or the bad, to the other side.
But you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Including becoming content with where you've been and are, so you can move forward with changes that need to happen. One thing about the affairs, however, it gives you motivation to make those changes, and learn you are worth more than being taken advantage of, taken for granted, and walked on. You have the right to be treated like the person God views you to be, not like those in your childhood viewed you to be.
Hope you can use this time to accomplish that and make yourself stronger as well as rebuild the marriage, in the end.
Hmmm ... I didn't pick that up from the verse. It's talking about God's thoughts on humans - he created us with sinful tendencies and knows that is the nature of the beast. Out of everyone on earth at the time there were only 2 who were perfect enough to be saved and it grieved him after the fact that the rest were destroyed.
As a BS, do you feel that you were close to God before the affair? That's not a loaded statement, just some thing that I've pondered quite a bit since DDay. I became a lot closer to Him after DDay. I had self-righteousness and prideful behavior that made my H feel disrespected and unappreciated. That was my sin.
H and I are working on getting back there. For some reason, we don't just take the plunge and go "all in" We have to let go of the desructive behavior.
I think we may be getting our verses crossed. I was talking about what Gabi was dealing with when she said:
"My "why" question has been this: There is a verse that says that God will not allow you to be tempted beyond that which you can bear but will make a way of escape."
She was wondering why it didn't feel like she had a way of escape for so long. She tried a time or two to end it, but even though she said the words to him, "We have to end this," she didn't walk away, and she sent signals that she really didn't want to. Next thing you knew, they were still with each other. It didn't stop.
For the longest time, she felt like someone swept away by waters too strong for her to fight. So at the time, she didn't feel she had a means of escape from the temptation.
But the verse that says:
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not permit you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation, He will also make the way out, so as for you to be able to bear it.
(1Co 10:13 EMTV)
That's what I was responding to in saying that it practically means there is always a way of escape from temptation, but our minds try to convince us we are helpless. Our desires for what we desperately want, the temptation, attempts to tell us we have no option but to give in. But it is a lie. We always can say no, even when it feels like we can't.
One of the things Satan hates most is the example of the cross. We'll call it the Joseph factor. What he intended for evil, God has a way of turning it to our good. Sin is always best avoided, because it is destructive to us. But when it does happen, there is always the option to use it to learn and better ourselves and relationships, or let it suck the life out of us. Both on an individual level, and on a couple/marriage level.
One verse I always trusted in is:
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.
(Mat 5:6 EMTV)
If you keep hungering and thirsting, that is the good sign. If you stop doing that, that is when you should fear most. And agreed, I think many of us don't have the intensity we had earlier in life on these things. Just like it is natural if not nurtured for a marriage to grow cold over time, so to with our relationship with God. You either give it attention and grow it, or ignore it and let it wither away.
What I've said about marital problems being highlighted by an A also applies to our spiritual lives. I to a degree, but my W had been growing cold to God for months before the A started. She just didn't pray much or think about God much, despite going to church regularly. And I can tell the difference now. Before, she didn't come to church except on Sunday morning when she felt she needed to. Now she wants to come to them, whenever she can. God has suddenly become much more important to her, and because she is now hungering and thirsting after Him, she is being filled. She's taking advantage of all the tools available to her to grow closer to Him. So much so, she's put me to shame.