Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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balibird 07/08/2009

Most of us have our grandchildren because of drugs or alcohol.
The majority of us have reared one set of kids before. Now we have these kids that statistically are probably at a higher risk, due to genetics or trauma. Even it the bio parents were not addicts we probably have all asked our selves what will we do different this time?
I brought up earlier today on another thread, possibly limiting or maybe even not participating in overnights. Unless it is family or someone I REALLY know. I have thought about this a lot. Over nights weren't as common many years ago. How do you really know what goes on in other peoples homes?
My daughter, whose child we are raising, got up to a lot of mischief while she was over night at friends. We took responsibility when we had kids over.i.e. we kept an eye on their activities and we were home. Other parents may not have any standards.
One girl, who's family we thought was trustworthy turned out to be anything but.
Her mom was a drug counselor. Turns out her husband was a heroin addict and smoked pot with the kids. (age 14) Nice.
Another friend confided in my daughter that she was being molested by her step brother, who was in his twenties. When we urged this girl to go to her mother and tell her, guess what? Mom ultimately stood by her man and step son and kicked her daughter out. And this poor girls tragedy still lives on.
Another "friend" hit my daughter on the head with a piece of metal plumbing pipe. No one in this kids family protected my daughter, reprimanded theirs, nor did they come to us.This young woman is a train wreck raising two kids, in abusive relationship. Plus it didn't help my daughter who was suffering depression.
A single mom was doing coke with her boyfriend,while she had teens over.(found out years later.. I could tell something wasn't right.steered away from them from the get go.)
Another families dad kept porn mags in the bathroom.
In each instance we steered our daughter in a different direction, or let the kids come here only, but damage was already done.
Each one of these families was well regarded in our small community.
I am keeping closer hold on my grandson. Maybe overnights are not such a good idea.
My best friend was raped by her best friends brother when she spent the night. Hence, she never favored over nights with her kids.
What I will do as well, is to keep good care of me. I am 59. My grandson is 6. I need at least 15 healthy years to make sure this kid gets a good start in life. I hope for 25! Mammogram, pap, blood pressure control, walk and make time for friends.
What say you? Agree? Disagree? Other ideas?

daisydduck 07/09/2009

You are right on. It is different, not just raising grandchildren, but raising them in today's society. Zero tolerance means kids can suffer consequences just for being at the wrong place or with the wrong person. Parents do not have much say in these circumstances, which means we need to parent differently and make sure the kids know the consequences they can receive outside of home. Schools too quickly judge kids to be "at risk", yet another label which can be detrimental to kids. Genetics can play a part in drugs and/or mental illness so you need to be aware of signs and symptoms. Finally, yes, take care of yourself! Whether it's indulging in a bubble bath, or taking a day off, you need to be well in order to be the parent you need to be. Sounds like you are on top of things and your gs will benefit from that.

deleted_user 07/09/2009

I never really thought about it until you brought it up. But looking back my daughter did get in to some mess while staying over at friends housesin fact that is where she started drinking and today is an alcoholic I too will not allow sleepovers unless it is with family.

deleted_user 07/09/2009

Makes you wonder tho.. are our families safe? I have a cousin who is in treatment for sexual offenses of his brothers sisters and nieces and nephews. One cousins husband got his 14 year old sister-in-law drunk while staying over. His wife caught him comeing out of the bedroom naked and the 14 year old laying on the bed. who does she blame? the 14 year old sister for trying to steal her husband! So I am not so sure I even want my gs staying over at cousins houses.

I have let him stay over at a woman's house whom he has know since birth. She is is GMSarah. He has probably stayed with her more than here. She is whom my daughter left him with and then called to say she was not coming back. I still toy with this as she lets him sleep with her stating there is no other place in her home as she has a son and his kids living there as well. GS adores her! and he does not show the behaviors one can show if being abused by that person. Like not wanting to sit by them, or hug them.

I dont think I will allow over nights. Just to risky in MHO.

deleted_user 07/09/2009

i would say no over nights with other kids, but you can have over nights at your home, and then only one person at a time. if i ever have the gd on over nights i'll go over to the home a few times and try to feel out the home. my dd had some bad experiences too. one family seemed so concerned and only allowed thier kids to stay wih certain families so i thought they were safe come to find out the step dad was molesting the daughters! one faimly was temporaliy living in a hotel (at least they said it was not permenant) come to find out the husband beat the holy heck out of the mom on a rountine basis. i thought she had got rid of him but the dd told me after i left he came out of the closet! people are gross; arent they?

deleted_user 07/09/2009

there are other things i am going to change too. like i am going to be monitoring the misic she listens to, as i was lax on the dd's love of rap and feel i fail on that part of her choices. another one is not so much freedom like going to the mall and out to movies on thier own. i might try to get her into a private school. one man i spoke to told me that in the public school system only 5% of the students are good quality kids who are not into some sort of trouble. at the high school the dd went to in the mornings they had rap music coming out of the speakers in the hall ways, and i mean it was the really nasty rap that degrades women; it was gross and i complained but nothing was done. but the biggest thing is since this time i am not alone and have more resources i am going to make sure she is not a latchey kid. seems like the 80's (my generation) have really questionable parenting ideas; myseld inculded.

scutterbug 07/09/2009

Mine is so attached to me that she may never want to go on a sleepover, but I agree with you. I don't have too many people besides families that I would trust for that anyway. We try, as "moms" to get to know the parents, but do we just get a "feel" that they're okay and then let them go? What about the dads, uncles, sons, grandpas, friend of dad or siblings. It goes on and on. We have let a coulple of girls spend the night here from time to time, but ours only wants to be home and I have to be here.

deleted_user 07/10/2009

I think you are right & have to ask questions & really listen to your kids.
As far as private school over public, they are not always better. I put myself in debt sending my daughter to private schools & she learned a lot of bad things from her friends in those schools. She started drinking, doing drugs with some of those kids who in front of me & their parents acted like such angels. They turned out to be devils. Patty

deleted_user 07/10/2009

ummmm.....thats a tough one. My kids did not do very many sleep overs. But my house was always full of their friends. My daughter was an A/B student that graduated at 16 and was in JR college for 2 years and in vet school at 19. She did not have (her choice) much of a social life outside of her horses until then. and wow that was when all h*** broke loose. the boys (and I use the term loosely) the drugs, the wild child came out. My older 2 did the basic teenage screw ups when they were 14 to 17 and out grew it by 18. I thought the youngest gd mom was the "good kid".

If I had to do it all over again, I would hope she would be a wild teenager when I still had control and not wait until she was an "adult" to screw up. I would make her be involved in more than one thing and have a wider group of friends who were not all the "good" kids. And I would giver her birthcontrol (even if I put it in the water) lol

but do overs are not allowed in life

So I will just keep plugging on

deleted_user 07/10/2009

My gs has had over nites. He is 8 this is a family that we have known since he was in Head Start. Only this year was he able to do over nites. The boys are twins that he stays with. I know both parents. These are his closes and mostly only best friends. My gkids have very low social skills and I need to keep them growing. My gd will never get over nites cause of her asbergers and I can't take the chance of something happening to her. But each child is different.

balibird 07/10/2009

My daughter also was, and still is in many ways, the sweetest, and most compliant of all my kids. Took us a while to catch on to what she was up to. She was the horsey rodeo girl, and held good jobs. All the time quietly slipping away. No, we don't get second chances.
I just know I will be much more aware of subtle changes!
Our grandson's day care also goes on to 8th grade private school. If there is any way to afford it we will keep him there.He does not transition well. School is slightly Christian based. I have noticed a few that have come in that have been thrown out of the public schools. However I think we are very lucky. Our teachers get them in shape in no time! No bad behavior is tolerated! Older kids help the younger ones. Total school from preschool to 8th has about 40 kids.
Most kids go on to do very well in college and high school.
The rap music that is demoralizing to women won't be tolerated either. DNA donor was/is a big fan, and he is abusive to women.
My husband threw out a music video when our oldest son brought it home back in the 80's. He was pretty upset, that older brother would bring music in like that when there were younger sisters. You try to make a point, you know? We try!!
We also talk about with age appropriateness how his bio mom is an addict and how it has affected her body and brain.
Who knows. We will see in about 20 years.

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