Kat, of course I don't know about your daughter, but my husband and I realized that his daughter will probably never "get better." She may do well for a couple of weeks, but that's about it.

We told her that she must not promise the kids anything, or we would listen in on her phone calls. She did it and I've had to call her bluff. I listen in on every call that I can, and the minute I hear her start to say she'll call tomorrow or come down this weekend I cut her off, just by saying her name.

At 16, though, he's learning how to deal with someone like his mother. The more you can help him through it with healthy coping methods, the better it will be for him later in life. He'll meet others like her, and the stronger he can be, the less likely he will become codependent.

After our daughter's death, our sil married a real whacko who constantly pulled hystrionic episodes putting our gs in the middle. The courts told them to stop but it just escalated. After one such episode the court removed him and put him in our care. We tried very hard to give him a "normal" environment, enrolling him in soccer, getting involvd with friend's families, and getting him involved in church. Visitation was reinstated for bio dad. It was gs's turn to bring the treat on the day of visitation. I faxed my sil all the information and told him how important it was to his son. He didn't even take him to his soccer game. It went on like this with no shows and broken promises. Eventually, sil said we could adopt him as he didn't want to be bothered anymore and a condition of adoption was that we not expect him to pay support. He never contributed anything to his son anyway and adoption was a way to protect him from this extremely dysfuncitonal family. Our gs was only 6-8 at this time. However, the anger of broken promises stayed with him. He is 19 now and has pretty much let go of the anger but the baggage is there. Therapists say many of these kids suffer from attachment disorder because they have been abandoned and cannot trust anyone. You say nothing about your gs being angry. He's 16 and how totally embarrassing this must have been to tell his friends. We initiated special things for our gs so even if they asked, he was already busy. After awhile, gs would say "I don't want to go" because he had a game, a class, a play date, or whatever. We gave him his life, exclusive of his bio dad and stepmom. They had the opportunity to build their family and they chose to abuse and neglect. We gave our gs a family and as he reaches adulthood, we have our little family with memories, traditions and bonds. It sounds like you have also done much of this with your gs. Focus on that with him and just brush off her actions. If she makes promises again, just tell him they probably won't come through because she is all talk. He probably will agree with you and eventually tell her: "no thanks, I'm busy".

Daisy's post reminded me of another thing my husband and I do. If we promise to do something, we do it -- no matter how much we don't feel like it when the time comes.

We have been very clear that "maybe" really does mean "maybe" and "we'll think about it" means just that. But when we say "we'll do that" we do it. We want the kids to know that just because their lousy excuse for a mother breaks promises with spectacular regularity, not all people are like that.

Like Sara, I never promise them anything. I always tell them we will see. I also discuss things with them, like if we go to the movie Saturday, we might not go to breakfast Sunday morning. I never tell them anything definite unless I am positive I won't disappoint them. There is a water park in the next town over and I told them one day we will go, I was not sure when. So now they say, one day we are going to that water park.
How sad that the bio's feel like promising them things is okay even if they have no intention of following through. I tell these bio's don't you promise anything, tell them you will try. My sil used to promise her boys things and never followed through so now they don't even hardly speak to her. Sad, but bio's dig their hole.

She used to do things like that all of the time - tell him she was coming for his birthday or Christmas, then not show up or call for a few weeks. But, she'd really gotten better and she hasn't done it in the past couple of years, so I hoped she finally stopped.

I think she feels guilty that he's not with her and just doesn't want to say 'no' to him. So, she tells him that she'll do something, with all good intentions that she will do it. Then, when she realizes that she can't follow through, she avoids contacting him because she can't bear to listen to the disappointment in his voice. I'm just kicking myself that I'd been lulled into a false sense of security that she wouldn't do that anymore, so I didn't prepare him for the possibility that the plans could fall through.

He asked her to arrange the water park party and she agreed without checking into details. When she found out the cost, she just really can't afford it - the cost is WAY out of line. The condo is $500 plus tax, plus $10 per person, plus the cost of food for the kids, gas to get there and back, etc. The total for, basically a day at the water park and a place to sleep for one night for 4 teen boys would probably be $800. I agree that's way out of line and I wouldn't pay it, but she should have checked out the prices BEFORE she told him that she'd pay for it. Now he's already invited the friends because she told him that she'd take them, two of them re-arranged family trips and visits with relatives because they're supposed to go the the water park, and my poor GS will have to tell them that the trip is off. Sigh.

I just keep telling him 'That's just the way your mother is. You can't change her, I can't change her, so the only thing we can do is just learn to live with it and deal with it, and love her anyway.'

My dil came to see the kids 2 years ago Christmas and told my gs that she had got him a WII he wanted one so bad. She said that she had ordered it and it hadn't come in but as soon as she got it she would bring it to him. She has never since been heard from. My gkids had some anger towards her for what she has done. But we have learned to never promise anything to them. And to make sure that they don't promise things they can't keep either. Like I promise to keep my room cleam. Nope not going to happen. And we tell tell them that. We have learned to reword things like, I will try to keep my room clean cause it the right thing to do.

Child learn what hurt is way to early in the world today. We as grandparents ROCK's work with what we have and make the best out of it. And I think we are doing a good job.