Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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SaraBT 01/23/2011

She has been coming to visit every weekend since June and claims she is no longer using (just taking Suboxone). She has been great with the kids and spends all weekend taking care of them -- so my husband and I are finally getting a break!

He thinks she's still using, but I'm not sure. I don't think we've seen the "real" Pinky in so long we wouldn't know her if we fell over her. She claims she feels great being drug-free, she says she has a Christian boyfriend who doesn't drink or use, and wants her kids back in a year.

Here's the problem: From time time she gets up at 6:30 in the morning until she goes to bed, her lips are flapping. She sings, talks, talks, sings, chatters, talks to herself, talks to me, talks to the kids, sings, on and on. It is driving me out of my mind!!!

I get up earlier and earlier to try to have my first cup of coffee in peace. She's up a few minutes later, yak-yak-yak. Right now she has one of the kid's iPods, and she's playing air guitar and singing Beatles -- and it's only 7:40am!!!

I don't know if she's still getting high, if it's the Suboxone, or if she really does feel good because she's straight.

It was almost better when I had all three kids alone all weekend. Then I feel guilty because I really am getting a much-needed break. I suppose all good things come with a downside. AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!

SaraBT 01/24/2011

Grannyskeeter, you are SO right. I like things to stay the same for the most part. But they don't anymore. BOOOO!!!

Liam, I'm wondering if she is taking Suboxone. She claims that she doesn't take it all weekend long because it would make her too sleepy. So how is she surviving all weekend without getting withdrawal symptoms?

Next time she comes down I'm going to casually ask about the Suboxone again and see if her story remains the same...

GMaWilli 01/24/2011

If she NEEDS Subs, she CAN'T just stop taking them for a weekend. Subs are supposed to be used to wean off heroin. I don't think they were meant to stay on long term and if she's staying on them long term, she's probably abusing them.

You are in a crappy position, and a very UNFAIR one, too! Those kids are going to be a HANDFULL and you will be left to pick up the pieces AGAIN if Pinky screws up and backslides. Or if you have to keep doing this same song and dance for the next God-knows-how many years.

My son is trying to worm his way back into my home again. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs; but it wouldn't do any good.
I'm dealing with so many emotions and I'm so exhausted. The bios really know how to manipulate everyone else's feelings. Including their own kids'.

deleted_user 01/24/2011

Sara its not right that shes making all these promises to the kids, that they can live with her in a year and what not. Could your husband talk to her about not making any promises. My daughter is on methadone and one day without her drink and shes having withdrawl symptoms. I think your husband is right, maybe you could talk to her about coming everyother weekend, do you think she might just stop coming altogether, because that would really hurt the kids. I daughter drives me crazy when i see her to much, shes so into herself, and i'm having surgery on friday a hysterecomy, shes supposed to be helping me. I hope she doesn't drive me crazy. Good luck. :)

deleted_user 01/24/2011

@ Miss Kathy good luck I will keep you in my thoughts.
@ Sara how is her complextion if she is using she should be breaking out and scratchy and itchy when she starts to come down. If she is on something to keep her from doing it she would have to take it every day. Like the methadone....they get that "sleepy" feeling. slurring and eye's are glassy and lost.

ARE LADIES SURE THAT THESE GIRLS ARE ALL THE SAME PERSON??? BECAUSE THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME STORY LINE...LOL j/k

daisydduck 01/24/2011

Sara, you need to get into family therapy; you, Pinky, the kids, and your husband. Pinky clearly is not responsible enough to see what damage she is causing the kids. I'm sure she believes that she will keep the promises she is making. No matter what the reason for her hyper activity, the effect she is having on kids and you is not right and she most likely will crash at some time and the kids will be let down again. It is not up to you to fix this. A therapist needs to be involved. Right now, you can't kick her out and yet you can't take control of the kids to protect them. Try the school social worker and see if they can make recommendation. We naively tried to work with our sil and his sick family and yet it all came back to bite us. We encouraged his relationship with his son, even though he was dysfunctional. What was I thinking???? We thought we were doing the right thing but in retrospect, we should have pursued custody alot earlier. Anyways, a good therapist will the kids sort out this mess of emotions Pinky is raining on them. I'll bet if you ask the teachers, they w/note some difference in behavior. Don't sit back and be the victim. You are above that. You have fought this far, You just need to find a way to beat this.

deleted_user 01/25/2011

I agree with daisydduck therapy for you and the kids a least would be very beneficial these kids are suffering if they are crying every weekend when she leaves, and her promises that don't ever happen could cause them a lot of heartache. My heart goes out for the girls, it sounds like they will grow up sooner then their own mother, a sad situation and they will need all the support thats out there. Good luck Sara you are doing a wonderful job, and your role with these girls is so much more important then you know. Pinky probably comes over and has fun with these girls, but a mothers role is so much more then that as you know, you can't always be their friend, and they will appreciate what your doing in the end. You are amazing to go from not wanting children to raising 3 girls at this stage of your life. :)

SaraBT 01/25/2011

Thanks, DD and Miss Kathy. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Even taking care of my mom with Alzheimer's wasn't as challenging -- although I think it was "practice."

daisydduck 01/25/2011

You know Sara, they say there is a hormonal bond between mother and child and that is what makes mothers feel guilty and put up with so much more from their own child. Having raised my own children and now my gs, I understand the subtle difference. I love my gs more than anything and I probably have a stronger bond with him than with my birth children after all we have been through, but there is a difference. For you, and all the other stepmothers who step into a family and love the children and grandchildren like your own, you should have a special place in heaven. I many times hear your frustration in your words and understand how hard it is, but I also know from your posts that you are strong and smart. You cannot necessarily control this, but you can guide it. Take a deep breath and take the steps you need to in order to protect the children. You can do this as you have come so far in this.

SaraBT 01/25/2011

Thanks, Daisy, I will.

I know I shouldn't worry about the future, especially with Pinky. But this is the longest she MAY be straight, and if the boyfriend thing is real and lasts, they may actually want the kids back in a year or so.

You'd think I'd look forward to that, but I don't. Pinky would be getting the kids just as they're turning into pre-adolescents. She doesn't know anything about anything, and I doubt she can handle them.

I also know that if she does marry this guy, and they do buy a house close to us, and she petitions the court for custody, she will get it.

I guess that's why we shouldn't worry about the future -- anything could happen between now and then.

SaraBT 01/25/2011

Grandmagrandma, you're right. Every one of Pinky's boyfriends was a good Christian with a good job. The one just before THIS one at least admitted he wanted nothing to do with her kids.

We've never seen this boyfriend, but I wonder what he sees in her (not really) if he's all that. And he could be a druggie as well. His name didn't come up on our public court system, so if he is a problem he hasn't gotten caught yet ;-0

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