Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
At the risk of being misunderstood, I have to ask,
Am I the only one who feels mixed emotions on getting the custody agreed to?ive had custody of gs for 6 years. It took me a year to get him out of foster and I was so glad to get him.! But my gd is 4 a d has lived with me more than her mom since birth . When her mom lived with me to she made life hell. when she called me homeless,I was so glad to get the call to come get her, and last year so glad when her mom agreed to let her live here , and so happy to fix her room up and organize her things. Gd came runni g to me shouting" gramma gramma, i get to live with you and go to school!" I love her so much and know she is happy and safe.
But , even though the custody was moms idea , so she can try to join military, I feel sad . Like she is missing this, she moved away from her children to where she can't visit much. Sad for the kids who miss her. Yes I know dd has no patie ce and acts borderline, yes she's been saying for 6 years she was going to get gs back. She never has and I don't know if its too late for him. Now she says she will get kids back In a year.....heard that before.
I could never have moved away from my kids. I would never have given away custody, especially seeing how hard it is to get back. Angry at her for leaving them , for not growling up a d putting them first. Over and over she didn't put them first .when she's here I still do most of the care taking . She likes to do some stuff and makes a great visiting mom. Short time. The. She's ba k on the phone with anyone, or ignoring them for tv or sleeping all day. Insisting they "respect her" yet abdicating responsibility . When she has money she buys toys. When she has food stamps she buys cakes and cookies. The rest is on me.
Am I somehow letting her out of her responsibilities or stealing her children? I hope not. I only intend to keep them safe from harm a d give them stability. So why am I sad, and mad ?? And disappointed in her, and depressed.....
In my heart I know this is what's best for them, but my self doubt creeps in. They miss her. Will she ever get them back? Should she ? My mother chides me. Says these feelings are a lack of commitment a d the kids need me. It seems like everyone else is overjoyed to get the custody over with, and I am too stressed to feel the joy for more than just flashes.
Am I the only one who feels mixed emotions on getting the custody agreed to?ive had custody of gs for 6 years. It took me a year to get him out of foster and I was so glad to get him.! But my gd is 4 a d has lived with me more than her mom since birth . When her mom lived with me to she made life hell. when she called me homeless,I was so glad to get the call to come get her, and last year so glad when her mom agreed to let her live here , and so happy to fix her room up and organize her things. Gd came runni g to me shouting" gramma gramma, i get to live with you and go to school!" I love her so much and know she is happy and safe.
But , even though the custody was moms idea , so she can try to join military, I feel sad . Like she is missing this, she moved away from her children to where she can't visit much. Sad for the kids who miss her. Yes I know dd has no patie ce and acts borderline, yes she's been saying for 6 years she was going to get gs back. She never has and I don't know if its too late for him. Now she says she will get kids back In a year.....heard that before.
I could never have moved away from my kids. I would never have given away custody, especially seeing how hard it is to get back. Angry at her for leaving them , for not growling up a d putting them first. Over and over she didn't put them first .when she's here I still do most of the care taking . She likes to do some stuff and makes a great visiting mom. Short time. The. She's ba k on the phone with anyone, or ignoring them for tv or sleeping all day. Insisting they "respect her" yet abdicating responsibility . When she has money she buys toys. When she has food stamps she buys cakes and cookies. The rest is on me.
Am I somehow letting her out of her responsibilities or stealing her children? I hope not. I only intend to keep them safe from harm a d give them stability. So why am I sad, and mad ?? And disappointed in her, and depressed.....
In my heart I know this is what's best for them, but my self doubt creeps in. They miss her. Will she ever get them back? Should she ? My mother chides me. Says these feelings are a lack of commitment a d the kids need me. It seems like everyone else is overjoyed to get the custody over with, and I am too stressed to feel the joy for more than just flashes.
On August 20, 2013 our adoption of gs was finalized. As I spoke to the lawyer before going in to court I ran the gambit of emotions, each time the door open my heart stopped and I felt fear because I thought biodad had come to contest. When I saw it wasn't him or my dd, my heart broke and I felt unbelievable waves of crushing sadness. Even as we were in the courtroom I hoped and feared every time the door opened. As the Judge spoke I continued to alternate emotions; fear, disgust, pride, anger, resentment, hope, joy...everything.
Like grief from loosing a loved one, it has become easier to process, most of the time, but there are still moments of unbelievable pain, anger and sadness for the live he should have had, for the regrets she/they might have, the loss of the life I and my husband planned, for the questions that I will someday have to answer, for the pain he may have someday that I cannot lessen, for so many things that people not in this situation cannot possibly understand.
Many, many times through the last 5 years I have wondered if I was letting dd off too easy, making the wrong decision, short changing him, and so much more. Given no other viable options I am leading the best life I can, for me and for us and so are you.
Those family members or friends that question your commitment, since they want to way in on how you feel or should feel, next time tell them. Tell them how your heart breaks for the Mother they will never have, for the Grandmother they will not know because you have had to become Mom, for the anger you feel, for the pain you cannot lessen in yourself, your child, your gc, your doubt ... . Tell them all that that applies to you and then remind them that you are not asking for their judgement but their support.
Folks that are not IN this situation as a parent or grandparent have absolutely no clue.
For the most part I have been blessed with understanding and supportive family and friends. At one time I was visiting my sisters and 1 of them kept calling me Grandma and then stammering or is it Mom I forget, and saying things like "You are so lucky being a grandmother, I cannot wait to have grand kids" I got tired of correcting her but I was afraid gs/son would hear so I kept trying. My other sister finally lost it and said, "Are you stupid? Do you not see how much saying that hurts her? She isn't a grandma she is his mother." And I just burst into tears because she understood. The 1st sister has never said either of those things or anything like it again.
Many days my heart still breaks at the life my Bug should have had, the Grandparent and family he lost knowing (his biodad and his family), the Grandparents my husband and I should have been, the aunt and uncle our children should have been...as so much much more. However, also try to balance those very painful thoughts and feeling with the good.
Being there for his birth, hearing his first word and laugh, seeing his first step, being there to hug away the pain and wipe away his tears, seeing his first smile every morning, feeling his little arms wrap around my neck, walking him to his first day of kindergarten and tears streaming down my face as I left him there, brimming with pride as he stepped off the bus, hearing "I love you so much Mom"...knowing in these moments there is no greater joy and being so grateful that I was able to be here for him.
I wonder sometimes, I doubt sometimes, I cry sometimes, I get angry sometimes, I feel moments of great joy, pride and love....but doesn't everyone?
Don't allow others judgement of a situation they cannot possibly understand, make you question your right to feel what you feel. Of course they are overjoyed because it is over, for them. For you, this is just the beginning.
Allow yourself to grieve, eventually those feelings won't be so intense and feel so crippling. Remember to see and feel the joy too.
There is so much more I want to say, but I think this is already long enough considering I haven't posted here in so long.
I adopted my 6 yo in December after a 3.5 YEARS stint with DCFS. it was wonderful to finally get the adoption finalized. Most of the time my little guy calls me MawMaw, & ocassionally "mom" or "momma". My problem is I feel like BOTH!! Legally I am his mother & I do everything a
Mom does. I just want him to address me by whatever nane he feels comfortable with. This sounds strange, but the only name I just plain ol' don't like calling myself is Grandma, & for some reason my boyfriend tends to call me that to my 6 y.o.
All of feelings are hard to explain to anyone else because they are a bit hard to sort through in my own head!!
But, to keep with this topic. I become aggravated that she doesn't show more interest in them. They are beautiful, intelligent, caring kids. Their aunt/uncle are doing an amazing job. I also am aggravated that they are sent to us when no one else will keep them (most of the time) to give aunt/uncle a break. Their other granny doesn't take them. Their mom doesn't take them. Their dad doesn't take them. I am thankful they are where they are b/c their mom had issues p/t them going to live elsewhere. Can't explain it.