Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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scgramma 10/09/2013

At the risk of being misunderstood, I have to ask,
Am I the only one who feels mixed emotions on getting the custody agreed to?ive had custody of gs for 6 years. It took me a year to get him out of foster and I was so glad to get him.! But my gd is 4 a d has lived with me more than her mom since birth . When her mom lived with me to she made life hell. when she called me homeless,I was so glad to get the call to come get her, and last year so glad when her mom agreed to let her live here , and so happy to fix her room up and organize her things. Gd came runni g to me shouting" gramma gramma, i get to live with you and go to school!" I love her so much and know she is happy and safe.
But , even though the custody was moms idea , so she can try to join military, I feel sad . Like she is missing this, she moved away from her children to where she can't visit much. Sad for the kids who miss her. Yes I know dd has no patie ce and acts borderline, yes she's been saying for 6 years she was going to get gs back. She never has and I don't know if its too late for him. Now she says she will get kids back In a year.....heard that before.
I could never have moved away from my kids. I would never have given away custody, especially seeing how hard it is to get back. Angry at her for leaving them , for not growling up a d putting them first. Over and over she didn't put them first .when she's here I still do most of the care taking . She likes to do some stuff and makes a great visiting mom. Short time. The. She's ba k on the phone with anyone, or ignoring them for tv or sleeping all day. Insisting they "respect her" yet abdicating responsibility . When she has money she buys toys. When she has food stamps she buys cakes and cookies. The rest is on me.
Am I somehow letting her out of her responsibilities or stealing her children? I hope not. I only intend to keep them safe from harm a d give them stability. So why am I sad, and mad ?? And disappointed in her, and depressed.....
In my heart I know this is what's best for them, but my self doubt creeps in. They miss her. Will she ever get them back? Should she ? My mother chides me. Says these feelings are a lack of commitment a d the kids need me. It seems like everyone else is overjoyed to get the custody over with, and I am too stressed to feel the joy for more than just flashes.

SaraBT 10/09/2013

Scgramma, I think your feelings are perfectly normal! On one hand you're happy that your granddaughter will finally have a stable, loving home. On the other hand, you're saddened that your daughter made it so easy to hand her over to you. And you're angry because your daughter tries to demand respect from a child she's never earned it from.

I think in that respect I have it easier than most, because Pinky is not my bio-daughter. I'm one step removed from the emotional attachment that most mothers have with their kids, so I can let Pinky go, both physically and emotionally, very easily. My husband still struggles with this on and off, because she's his daughter.

You're definitely not stealing her children! You're giving them everything that their mother should be giving them, but is not. The odds seem to be overwhelming that she will never have her life in order enough to get them back, either. Once I totally accepted this fact, my own attitude toward our three improved a lot. It was only when I held out hope that our situation would be temporary that I was filled with anxiety and resentment.

Oh, I still resent Pinky now and then, especially when I have the chance to do something I'd love to do, but realize that I can't with three kids. But for the most part I've just accepted the fact that I'm Mom and that's the way it is.

fortress 10/09/2013

Mixed emotions come with the territory. In time your feelings should settle down to a dull roar, or hopefully, a soft purr. I think we go through the grieving process to some degree ( we DO have several issues to grieve ). If you find yourself with more emotions than you can handle alone - seek a counselor. We all have acceptance ( of our changed life experiences, letting go of bios, etc ) as our goal. I see a therapist myself to reach this goal. Like the grieving process, I sometimes go ahead one step and then back two steps. The therapist helps me to keep steering in the right direction. On my own I'd be 'driving' round and round and flailing about.

redheadfrog 10/09/2013

I feel the same way. It's like we're not allowed to be normal grandparents and, to a degree, we feel cheated. Especially, when I see my in-laws with their grandchildren and they get to do all the fun stuff and none of the work.

I think a lot of us are overjoyed to gain custody because the children are out of harms way, and the joy is easy to show to because, after all, it's joy. Most of us are reluctant to show the grief and mixed emotions because most people cannot relate to our situations. I find that I feel extreme guilt for even entertaining these emotions.

I try so hard not to look at myself and say "where did we go wrong with our daughter," it's hard to think of how easy it is for them to just walk away from thier children when we didn't raise them this way.

NannaKMS 10/09/2013

I also feel this way, its normal for you to grieve the loss of your daughter. The daughter you raised, has turned out to be such a disappointment to you and to her own children. You wish things were different so you could have the relationship with your daughter that you crave and so the children could have the mother they deserve to have. It feels like a huge loss, all the time and effort you put forth to raise her, the hopes and dreams you had for her future. Its very painful. No one knows how it feels if they haven't gone through this, and you are her mother so you bonded with her and were closed to her as a child. So that is why everyone else is over joyed to get the custody is over, for you it is bitter sweet. I went to therapy for a long time to come to terms with things and I still get very depressed sometimes, I feel like the daughter I new is dead, and I want her back so much but that most likely will never happen. Try mindfulness and living in the present more and not in the past or the future. Let yourself be happy, don't grieve for your grandkids the mother they don't have and be everything you can be for them. Embrace this second chance at raising children, and enjoy these kids. Your both very lucky to have each other. God bless, may you find some peace.

mammag24 10/09/2013

I am new to this but I think its the mixed emotions that I have as well that keep me in the bind I am in.
I think it would be great if our kids raised their kids and we got to be grandma's the way it was meant.
I know you want your gs and gd to have a stable loving home, but if your like me- you wish it was with their mother. As mothers, we want our children to grow up and be responsible. I hate to lose that hope.
Having spent 26 years in the military I can tell you one of two things will happen. She will grow up or get thrown out. If she is bi-polar its the latter. but if she is serious about getting her life together, I have seen it work for 100's of people.

mommagain 10/09/2013

I know how you feel... I have thought these same things in respect to my GS... my DD's son... we have had custody for nearly six years and she has now has a DD who stays with GD's aunt... the only reason we have GS is because my DD and her DH were young... 18 and 19... ( I was 15 with my first, 18 with my second, and 21 with my third and I raised all three as a single parent for a while with VERY little help) I sometimes feel like if had not made it so easy for her to just hand over GS to me to live her life she would have grown up and taken responsibility for him... she now is an alcoholic and I ask myself if her not having GS is the reason for that... it IS to late for her to ever have GS back and she knows that GD is 2 and I worry am I the reason for what GD is going through?

scgramma 10/09/2013

Thank you. I have had so much guilt over not just being overjoyed. And everyone in my family discounts my feelings and makes that worse. My experience e in gaining custody has been so different between the 2. My dd was almost 17 when gs was born, his father abused him and it took me a year to get him from dss. No guilt there, I know he would have been adopted out if we had t fought for him. And I expected her to get a job and raise him. I was 17 with my first born and I raised him.
Dealing with gd was different becaus she had so many opportunities to get it together and I watched so many disappointing decisions, the boyfriends, the unwillingness to keep a job, the attitudes that we all owed her everything and should t expect anything back, not even courtesy or a civil tongue . What we got was verbal abuse and broken property. So I just have to remind myself to not forget why it's best for gd this way, and not to dwell on who dd cannot be right now. Get my head back on today, and the kids, and what activities we can share as a family. Thanks for understanding without judging me.

mammag24 10/09/2013

I will be praying for you. My family constantly tells me to take the baby, like she's mine or something. I do feel resentful at times though also. I feel like I raised mine, I have time for my life now- I don't want a baby. I feel guilty about saying that because I will do what I have to when it comes to it. But its not how I wanted to spend my later years.

Bonkers2 10/09/2013

I can so relate. This morning my husband said "you know, I don't really want to raise teenagers again". I looked at him shocked but realized that is not what I wanted to go through again either and I also didn't want our grandchildren to have "old" parents but what are our choices?? I told him him that we are in it for the duration whatever that may be. God bless us all.

fortress 10/09/2013

From what I hear on here, none of us were planning on raising GC and all had other hopes and dreams for this stage of life - I know I did. My health isn't what I had hoped for either, but I'm grateful I'm well enough to raise my GD. I've wasted a tremendous amount of time and energy on guilty feelings and it never got me anywhere but tired, anxious and depressed. I decided to give up guilt trips. It takes a conscious effort, as does remaining in the present ( I have a hard time with this ) and keeping a positive attitude ( also a struggle ). It's an ongoing process, but I have defeated guilt which was a big deal for me as I was raised to feel guilty and responsible for all the worlds woes. I don't think any of are guilty regarding our adult childrens choices. Pretty sure none of us pulled a weapon on them and told them they must do the stupid stuff they do. All of us have had to make a decision about our GC and what we are willing and able to do. Whatever the choice, it ain't easy, that's for sure . I'm glad we have each other.

mammag24 10/10/2013

I agree. This has been a great place for me. I have only been on here a few weeks but I have gotten good advice and realized that im not the only one going through what I am.

Snippy 10/10/2013

We will always have mixed emotions. One day I'm here and by the afternoon I'm totally in a different place. I have loved and hated their ways at the same time. I have resentment sometimes also. I feel strongly we all so make it easy for our db kids to walk away and come back when they want. They know the kids are looked after and don't need for anything and so when they get depressed and things are not right for them then we let them waltz in make promises they can't keep and walk out the door. We should be free again and enjoying what times we have and yet here we are.

nutsandbolts 10/10/2013

We all have these feelings...I would love to say when is my turn- the answer is when I'm 74 years old and my GS/S turns 21. I have actually been at the store sizing up older people and guessing their age and saying to myself, they look to be in their 70's and get around pretty good.... That's what I do to amuse myself!

daisydduck 10/11/2013

Nuts, l am 72 and have raised two generations! Talk about feeling old! The teen years w gs were interesting butwe made it through and he's very protective of my hudband and me. My husband had stroke at 49 and i became breadwinner. I realized a long time ago we w not be walking on that beach we dreamt of. I am here to tell each of you that life w go on and you need to grab hold of the moments. In my first book i wrote about having faith in God and yourself. In my second book i wrote about the unconditional love we have for ourgc. I have a prayer that starts "when faced with a mountain i will not quit". I have have started three businesses, wrote four books, and i w graduate college next month w degree in psychology. I w walk the ceremony w my two granddaughters watching. I wgive the message tothem that it's never too late. I started on this site 6 years ago which helped me through the teen years with gs. I still come on to remind what gms are still doing andhope i can give a word of wisdom here and there. I just want to tell you to hang on for the ride and never forget to laugh!

mynanny4 10/11/2013

I hate that all of us have to go thru all the things we do but am so grateful for this group. I long for the day when this kind of group won't be necessary but am afraid that day is a long time away. At least I know when I come here that someone in this group is feeling or has felt the same way I do. A lot of people are well-meaning but can say some very insensitive things because they have not walked in our shoes. Thank you all for being so supportive and for making me realize that the way I feel is normal for our situations.

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