Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
I started to post this on "I Miss Me," but then realized it really should be its own thread.
I often wonder why we're always told that we shouldn't resent people -- as if resentment isn't a legitimate, normal, or healthy feeling.
I'm just throwing this idea out there. Our emotions were given to us for a reason. Happiness is normal and healthy when we're celebrating something good. Anger is normal and healthy when we have been confronted by words or actions that are not right. Jealously is normal and healthy when it causes us to change our own outlook, work harder instead of whining, etc.
So why can't resentment be a normal and healthy reaction to another's action that affects us?
When someone does something to us that causes a continuing burden, and that person not only doesn't solve it but lives their own life completely clueless of what they've caused, then I say resentment is not only normal, but justified.
Of course if it (or any emotion) is allowed to consume our lives 24/7/365, then I think we need to do something about it.
What do you all think? Is it healthier to pretend that we are not resentful? Is it healthier to not resent someone who has virtually destroyed our lives -- and would that be enabling them? Or is it healthier to acknowledge our resentment and learn to control it?
I often wonder why we're always told that we shouldn't resent people -- as if resentment isn't a legitimate, normal, or healthy feeling.
I'm just throwing this idea out there. Our emotions were given to us for a reason. Happiness is normal and healthy when we're celebrating something good. Anger is normal and healthy when we have been confronted by words or actions that are not right. Jealously is normal and healthy when it causes us to change our own outlook, work harder instead of whining, etc.
So why can't resentment be a normal and healthy reaction to another's action that affects us?
When someone does something to us that causes a continuing burden, and that person not only doesn't solve it but lives their own life completely clueless of what they've caused, then I say resentment is not only normal, but justified.
Of course if it (or any emotion) is allowed to consume our lives 24/7/365, then I think we need to do something about it.
What do you all think? Is it healthier to pretend that we are not resentful? Is it healthier to not resent someone who has virtually destroyed our lives -- and would that be enabling them? Or is it healthier to acknowledge our resentment and learn to control it?
The problem with your reasoning, DD, is that we do not control everything in this life. There are things we CAN control, but there are also things we cannot. We cannot control life and death. We cannot control our children. We cannot control our spouses or ex spouses. We cannot control the courts.
Sometimes the things these "uncontrollable" sources put on us cause resentment in us. It is a natural feeling. We can either deal with it or let it fester. We can deal with it in many ways - removing ourselves from the situation, turning it over to God and understand that only He can make things happen when we can't, and sometimes by fighting back.
Letting it fester only hurts us and those around us. I don't think anyone here would disagree with that, judging by the posts.
But when we are in the constant situation, it is very hard to truly remove ourselves - in fact, impossible, because we have placed ourselves(by taking on these gc) in the situation.
Do we need to deal with the resentment in a productive manner?? DEFINITELY! And you have given me, at least, some great ideas as to how to do that - your post about moving really helped me understand that it CAN be done and gave me some of the courage I need to pursue the moving option.
But sometimes we need to just live in it as well, until such a time that we CAN do something about it.
Sara, I think you DO deal with it. You draw boundaries. You don't give in. You hold the line. That is one of the ways you deal very effectively with it.
We all have our own ways of dealing with it. But I know I learn a lot by sharing on here and I value everyone's ideas.
My eldest daughter said something to me the other day that really hit home. She said that she has found that when we ACCEPT the life we have, it is easier and more enjoyable. She said that didn't mean not to change things or set goals, but just to accept where you are and not fight it(translate resent it)
I think another way of saying that is what we often say on here - one day at a time. WITH JOY AND PEACE.
God Bless
Maybe that's just another way of dealing with it so it doesn't take me over :-)
I have the opposite problem. I am raising my gs and half of the family is fighting me every step of the way - over visitations, ds trying to get him back when he is not a capable parent, other gps wanting custody when they are not able to do it (physically, emotionally), and an ex who believes he is the one who should be determining when and where everyone gets visitation, not me! :P
I think you will find on here that we all have some pretty severe problems we face due to the situation.
But it's a great place to talk things through, to vent, and to get some really good, honest feedback!
God Bless!