Sara,
I've been doing the same re-examination of a lot of the traditional lines of thinking that we are all taught. I've come up with some very unconventional thoughts and ideas, along the same lines as you.

First of all, the Bible says "be angry but sin not". I don't believe the Bible deals with resentment, although it does talk about forgiveness, which we've already discussed some on here.

Personally, I've come to the same conclusion you have. Be angry (substitute resentful, jealous, happy, scared, etc) but sin not. Do not let that emotion control us or lead us to commit an action or even a thought that is a sin. Don't wish harm on an individual. Don't be mean or spiteful. Don't gossip about another person, etc, etc, etc. Anger (and the others) can not only be used to help us to grow and learn, but can, on occasion, be used to make a point (Christ in the temple). Modern day Christians like to break it into "righteous" vs "unrighteous" anger, but I see no such distinction in the Bible. We all sin and we all have emotions, as you have so aptly said. God gave them to us. They are a gift. Without them we could not love, be sensitive, help others, etc. Along with that we hurt, become resentful and feel anger. God knows this. The important thing is what we DO with that emotion. How we give it legs. Like you said - do we use it to make us a better person, or do we use it to hurt others?

IMO :)

I think that I probably shouldn't wish my ex daughter in law would be in jail when I look up her name online.
I think that I probably shouldn't wish she would move to Africa or lose her job.
But I think it is perfectly normal to have resentment and accept that we do as long as we are working on it like Sara said.
I believe in reality and saying it like it is and fessing up to what I believe.

I have been struggling with resentment against my gs mother(my daughter). She is miving from my house tomorrow and leaving my gs with me. I am grateful that he will be here,but I can not understanfd how she can leavehim. I kmow she has mental illness ( bipolar 1 But I still find myself resenting the fact that I have tried everything to help her and she is not the least bit grateful. I try to pray and give it to god. I am so hurt and also fearful for my daughters futureI think resentment is part of what we have to go through but at the end of the day we need to leave it at the cross with the rest of our character defects. I will pray for all of us gp for god to guide us to do the right thing . KAthy

@ witsendtoday----you sound like me....my daughter also has mental illness (bi-polar) and a drug habit. But I resent the fact that I have given the last 21 years (closer to 22) of my life to make hers good. and she mine as well pick up a fresh hot pile of dog poop and throw it in my face b/c , to hear her tell it, I've never done anything for her...

funny b/c I sure don't see or feel that way. I am drained mentally physically emotional and financially....but hey I still have blood coursing through my body so I guess I haven't given enough to her yet.

I had stepped away from handing it up and I need to get back to it b/c I know that I felt better. I just can't find enough time or energy in the day to do everything for everyone I need to do....

thanks for the reminder...:-)

I think what makes it so very, very hard in our cases is that it's an ongoing situation.

Suppose, for example, that your family was wealthy. Your parents pass away and your older sibling inherits everything. Lots of resentment, but it's a one-time thing (at least in my scenario). You can either move on, your sibling can share some of the money, whatever. I would think a lifetime of resentment might be out of line in that case.

But in our cases the reason for the resentment never ends. It isn't a one-time action that's over and done with, like a drunken child to wrecked a car.

We have their kids!!!! So the bios continue to cause the action they caused in the first place, by not cleaning up their acts. And our part in it can last 18 years or more, destroying entire retirements, lifestyles, you name it.

I think that's why our resentment is both normal and difficult to deal with.

There is a song on country radio, it goes something like this: This man singing says he hadn't been to church in while but things got bad so he went to see the preacher. The preacher told him he needed to be praying for the people he was upset with and God would take care of the rest. Then the song goes like this: I pray that a flowerpot falls off the windowsill and hits you on the head, I pray that no one calls you on your birthday, that when you are flying high the airplane stalls and you don't have a parachute......and on and on ...you get the picture ;) This has become my theme song when I feel angry, resentful, or any of the other negative emotions that get me down, I am slowly refusing to let dd rule my emotions and thus rule my life.

Ravensgma, here's the song -- I laughed SO hard -- thanks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA

I was gonna do the same thing Sara LOL My girlfriend posted that song to me a few weeks ago on my facebook. It is pretty funny.

I think I'm gonna start reading the Psalms again..... esp. the parts where Solomon is chasing David....... ;)

That song is really funny but I think God had something else in mind when we pray. Thanks for all the feedback. My daughter is moving out as I am typing this .I need to wake her son up so we can leave before she does. He does not want to see his mother moving out. I have to be strong today. Please everybody pray for me and my gs Kane today.

Witsend, I feel so sorry for your grandson, and I'll say prayers that everything goes as smoothly as possible. (I'll say a few for you, as well :-)

I'm sorry that your gs has to go through that...He is lucky to have you. I am also sorry for you I know how hard it is with mental illness in a child. I will keep you both in my thoughts thru out my day.

Is resentment normal? Yes. Is it health? No. Resentment and anger are secondary emotions which means we have control to hold on the resentment or let it go. Is the resentment ruling your life? If so, how can that be health? I resent that my husband was a smoker and suffered a stroke at 49 because of his smoking which has changed my life completely and destroyed our dreams. I resent that my daughter died of a brain tumor and we lost her at such a young age after watching her suffer terribly. However, what will I gain if I hand onto and feed this resentment with my anger? Will it change my life? No. Will I feel better? Only if I am a bitter person. Most of you have daughters or sons whom you resent because of what they have done to your lives and they are alive and continuing to cause hurt in your lives. You have the power to let go of them and the resentment. Letting it go gives you the freedom to enjoy the life you have. Granny, you refer to forgiveness which is letting go of the resentment when someone hurts you. The only person I have ever really hated was my gs stepmother who was crazy and did terrible things to everyone in her life. She destroyed like a tornado going through a town. However, we took the steps necessary and she is out of our live and most importantly our gs life. I know she is still out there hurting someone else, like the daughter she had to try and sway the courts to her side during our custody battle. The little girl is severely autistic, and the parents were reported to the state for neglecting the child. I pity this woman and anyone whose life she touches. I don't resent her anymore because she will never know the happiness and security I have found. Yes, our lives may be changed, but who is to say it will not be for the better in the long run? If I believe in God, then I believe He has a plan for me and I must trust in Him that I will survive, in spite of the negative people who come into my life for whatever reason.

Hello, I have not posted for a very long time but this topic caught my attention. Funny because this is what I have been struggling myself for many years. I do know we should forgive, and to hold resentment is unhealthy. However, when the bad things continue and more things are done that are so hurtful, it is hard to KEEP forgiving every time you turn around. I do resent my situation a lot. My husband and I currently have two grandchildren we are caring for and we still work full time as well. I work 3rd shift and it's hard sometimes. I raised my kids and was looking forward to it being a quiet time in my life with just husband, and having freedom to come and go at a moments notice, and fewer responsibilities...but instead we are again dealing with homework, kids medical issues as they need daily meds etc. Their parents are both bipolar, my daughter is their mother. We have had our grandaughter all her life, and she is now 11. The grandson we have is 7, and he has been bounced from town to town and attended 6 schools alone last year! The parents have also had issues with serious drug abuse, rehabs repeatedly etc. I love these kids of course, and we know they need us for safety and security. I will put their needs first, but I resent their parents a lot because they only care about what THEY want and need with no regard for the kids at all. It has been so bad that a "friend" of my daughters died right in her living room from an overdose during a drug party...and my grandsons were there at the time! I called family services because I felt kids were in a dangerous environment, but was told they couldn't do anything about that issue...nothing was done at all, no report taken and no caseworker did so much as check on the kids. We have legal custody of the oldest child, but not of the other ones. (My daughter has 3 kids). She currently has the youngest with her now. Thanks for letting me vent, and best wishes to all of you in your situations. I need to pray a lot more, and trust that all things are possible through HIM. We are only human though, and sometimes our emotions get the best of us! Jane

Jane, I agree with everything you wrote!!!

I do think again that our resentment is in a slightly different category from that of most people precisely because it is ongoing. If it's a case where the bios passed away, they're not out there living it up while we're stuck at home with their kids. So while the burden may be the same, the situation wouldn't cause chronic resentment.

For instance, Pinky comes down on weekends now (she isn't using at the moment). She'll say she has to leave at such-and-such a time because she has to go to a Phillies game. Well, excuuuuuuuse me! I keep reminding her that I don't want to hear about that stuff, but she always makes sure it slips out. Boom -- the resentment meter goes way up.

Or she'll say "you and my dad should try this or that restaurant. It's great!" And I want to smack her so hard. I usually say "we don't go to restaurants anymore because we're raising your children," and she gets the hint for a while.

I can deal with resentment from a single incident sort of thing. My brother and I fought bitterly when our mother died (loooong story), but we both got over it and we're close again. The incident that caused the resentment was just that -- an incident.

But raising someone else's kids is a chronic, ongoing situation, and as you said, Jane, it's hard to keep forgiving every minute of every day.

I suppose if we can keep from allowing the resentment to influence our actions we're handling it. I hope...