I know I sound like a broken record, Sara, but did you have a background check run on this guy yet? Sorry..........I'm just a stickler on this issue. I was married to a man for 13 years who turned out to be someone I'd never imagined (background check wouldn't have helped because he'd never been caught doing anything b4). If his background check comes back okay; I'd have to start with weekends and see how that went. I think the kids would really miss you if they were away from you for a whole month. Or maybe a week?

Sara,

I agree with Gma. Background check first. Actually, I read your post early this morning and have been thinking about the best way to respond.

I think first, I would do the background check, then I would introduce the kids to Pinky's fiance and have some outings with them at a park or something or even at your house. That way you can guage his responses and reactions to the kids before a month long visit. See how that goes a few times, then I would have to make sure they were safe before sending them off to an unknown for an entire month. This is just my opinion though.

Thanks for your comments!

I definitely will do a background check first. Philly's court system is online and his name didn't come up, nor did it come up on any of those Megan's List sites. But before they go anywhere with him I'll shell out the $20 or whatever it costs for a more thorough check.

I guess it would make sense to do it gradually, weekends first, etc. That's how we'd originally planned it. I'm not even sure the kids would want to spend that amount of time so far from their friends. After all, it's summer and we're the ones with the pool! LOL

Do you think the kids would call you if they felt mistreated or things were strange or uncomfortable?

I think the longer they care for the kids the better they will have a insight on how it really is to put others before themselves...

I can't remember, do they live far from you? If they are it is too bad because you could spend Example: 1 or 2 Sundays of that month.

Judi

I do think they would call. Probably the first week to tell us they're bored and want to come home :-)

They aren't that far away -- probably an hour from our house. Honestly, we'd love to get a break, too. HAHAHAHA!

But I think we'll take it sloooooowly. A day here, then an overnight, etc. Maybe we can send them there for August.

Right now Pinky is enjoying a clean house, cooked meals, food shopping done, etc. All she has to do is concentrate on the kids, and they drive her nuts after two days. I can't imagine how she'll cope with a house to clean, errands to run and all of the other stuff combined.

Have you thought about what will happen if it doesn't go well for the kids? They may come home w/more problems than they left with. A big red flag came up when I read he was in a band and on the road. It is likely, if not probable, that he has been into drugs himself and that is why he is so understanding. While they could both really clean up their acts and live a normal life, there is a huge chance at least one of them will fall off the wagon. Could you try it in steps, like a weekend here and there and build up to a month?

Daisy, I think we will probably build up to a longer visit.

If Pinky and her boyfriend are telling the truth he never drank, did drugs or smoked cigs. We've met him, and so have the kids, and he seems very reputable. But you never know until you know someone.

You know, I always followed my kids and my gs when hiring a babysitter as the kids seem to know if a person is good or bad. How do your gc feel about him? Perhaps they can share some insight you do not see.

They say they love him, but I imagine they're saying that to make Pinky happy. They've only met him twice and they reacted very well to him. I think they're fantasizing about living with Pinky again, so that's coloring their reaction.

First, have they, Pinky and guy expressed an interest in having the kids for any length of time?

I know it is nice to imagine getting a life again; going out with hubby or friends or just getting down time however the bottom line is the well being of the kids.

Sorry to be a nay say-er Sara, but if your thinking of it at all, start small; a morning/afternoon (see if they will meet you half way for drop off and pick up), then an over night, then a weekend, then a long weekend, etc.

No, you won't get a full month in a row, but if it works out, you will get some time to yourself and the kids will still have the stability of you and your husband.

Unless of course you want Pinky to figure out that raising the kids isn't all sunshine and flowers, then shock her and do it for 2 weeks, but remember, you may be dealing with substantial fallout from the children if it doesn't work out.

Personally, Bug's parents would have to work VERY hard for me to even consider letting him go with them for more than a few hours.

My gs is now 21 and has been asked to join a few bands on tour. He has turned them down because of his disabling back problems. There are weeks when he cannot even hold the guitar. He is going through pain management therapy now. I ran your situation by him last night and he agreed that doing drugs with a band is highly likely, but he emphasized that not everyone does. Because of his involvement in the music industry he has seen a lot of drug abuse. Also, I don't think a $20 background screening is going to tell you if the guy is for real. Have they both learned from past mistakes in drugs and/or marriage? Perhaps. I agree with the idea of meeting at the park, for dinner, etc. You can meet them, leave the kids and go off by yourselves for a few hours. However, I would strongly recommend family therapy. Will he pay for at least half of those costs to guarantee transition is smooth for children? The therapist may recommend psych testing which may gain insight for all. I do not think this would be intrusive considering Pinky's history and it might protect the children from a bad move. Even though they plan to live near you, will you be a part of the children's lives? There must be a transition. My sil guaranteed we w/work together for smooth transition when he remarried. However, in less than six weeks we were told we could not see our gs whom we had basically raised since birth. A long, expensive court battle ensued and our gs was the victim.

A older man willing to leave everything behind to come closer to his gf's children? Ok, I don't buy it . It's still a honeymoon period for him and Pinky. All is so wonderful now. Give it another few months and see. Also was in a band and wife just left? I wouldn't let the kids go for more then a few hours.

Cajunlady, I'm a bit weirded out by that, as well. But I think it is the honeymoon period that's doing it. That's how I got sucked into marrying a man with three adolescents -- I probably should've waited longer HAHAHA!

Fortunately it will take them at least a year to complete everything needed to "get the kids" -- they have to get married, then sell his house and move to our town, Pinky has to get a job, etc.

By then the honeymoon will be over, and it will be interesting to see if he still wants the hassles of one pre-teen and two rambunctious younger kids.

Sara I am so happy , since I haven't been on alot. That Pinky is still clean and sober and with the same guy.
I understand how exciting the thought of having some time off with you husband doing what you always thought you would be doing at this time of your lives...but I have to agree with the ladies..

Take it SSSLLLOOWWW....I married a man and had 3 kids with him and he turned out to be one of the monsters that you tell you kids about. The ones they make movies about...

I know that you have their best interest in mind and the shock to Pinky's system and the bf's. My bf has never had kids and has never been married and isn't very good with kids at all. I see that now after gs came to live with us. It wasn't like this is what I was planning on but it's what happened. Even thou we had talked about the possibility of gs living with me when it actually happened and it's now a "long term" thing he isn't down for the ride. He want's to off this ride. So I would do hour visits or day visits you don't want to hurt the kids so slow is better.

good luck.

My husband says he doesn't think their relationship will last. I'm beginning to think so, too. EVERYTHING is "next week." Pinky will look for work "next week." They'll go for marriage counseling "next week" -- their priority is the wedding rings on layaway LOL! They'll put the house on the market "next week."

Except "next week" never seems to arrive. And IMHO the more time that passes, the more the kids will want to stay with us. I think they like the boyfriend (fiancee?) because it makes their "mom" happy. They can't possibly love him the way they say they do, since they've only met him about four times for five minutes each time.

Everything Pinky does adds layer upon layer of complication. It's all about her and HER needs, no matter what she says about loving the kids.