Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
OK, so I'm not proud of myself (well, maybe a bit...) but I've started listening in whenever my husband's daughter calls the kids. I told her months ago to stop telling them she's coming to visit, and did say I would start listening in if she continued to do that. She has continued to do that, so I started. Only difference is, I didn't tell her (EEEK)!
Well on the first visit she told the eldest (age 10) that she wanted to come down for their first day back to school. She said she would ask her father to give her a ride. (This is after the incident in the ER where she chose a Percocet prescription over returning to our home with the kids). Naturally my husband said he barely wants to see her all, let alone give her a ride!
She called back and told my granddaughter that "Pop said maybe next week, that this week wasn't a good time." So now she has the kids thinking she'll be coming down next week, which won't happen. And she says "let's keep this between you and me, OK?"
She also told my granddaughter that her doctor prescribed the Percocets and that my husband and I were "overreacting."
So not only is she breaking the rules, she's asking my granddaughter to keep secrets from us.
So far, all I can think of is a way to bring up these topics without revealing that I know anything. I do NOT want her putting my grandchild in a position of keeping secrets -- but at the same time I want to find out what else she's telling the kids before I confront her.
Any suggestions?
Well on the first visit she told the eldest (age 10) that she wanted to come down for their first day back to school. She said she would ask her father to give her a ride. (This is after the incident in the ER where she chose a Percocet prescription over returning to our home with the kids). Naturally my husband said he barely wants to see her all, let alone give her a ride!
She called back and told my granddaughter that "Pop said maybe next week, that this week wasn't a good time." So now she has the kids thinking she'll be coming down next week, which won't happen. And she says "let's keep this between you and me, OK?"
She also told my granddaughter that her doctor prescribed the Percocets and that my husband and I were "overreacting."
So not only is she breaking the rules, she's asking my granddaughter to keep secrets from us.
So far, all I can think of is a way to bring up these topics without revealing that I know anything. I do NOT want her putting my grandchild in a position of keeping secrets -- but at the same time I want to find out what else she's telling the kids before I confront her.
Any suggestions?
My eldest didn't come right out and admit that her "mom" violated our promises, but she finally told me what she said about the ER, that the doctor had prescribed the Percocets, etc. I explained that that doctor didn't know her "mom," and that if he did he wouldn't have prescribed those particular drugs. I said that was another reason we'll put the calls on speakerphone -- so that we can make sure we get the facts correct.
She seemed to be OK with that, and actually relieved. I think it will help get her off the hook with the "let's keep this between us" pressure.
IMHO that needed to be straightened out, and fast. This is why I simply said that the doctor didn't know "mommy" -- otherwise he would not have written that prescription.
All three children know their mother is an addict. They have seen her wasted, they have experienced her broken promises, they have waited for her to show up, only to hear her slurred voice give yet another excuse.
At this point I really don't care what happens to their relationship to their "mother." I don't badmouth her, nor do I shield the kids from the truth (as long as it isn't too traumatic).
They also need to know why, all of a sudden, they have to either put "mommy" on the speakerphone or allow me to listen in. They deserve that, because they would sense that something was wrong. So I need to tell them that, in essence, I want to make sure "mommy" doesn't make promises she can't keep.
I don't see any other way around it, since the kids have been told so many, many stories by "mommy."
Children can express loss through:
Anger
Hurt
Feelings of abandonment
Physiological symptoms
Diminished ability to concentrate
Increase in infections like colds
Difficulty in coping with their feelings
Issues with intimacy and attachment
Hyper vigilance and showing an increase in arousal
Children exhibit symptoms differently at various ages. Even infants can show problems with their bodily functions when they lose their primary caregiver. Older children may exhibit acting out behavior and generally express a good deal of anger. Because of the behavior, they may be labeled as behavior disordered in schools. They may feel guilty which can cause a major disruption in the developmental process. They may exhibit pseudo mature behaviors witch misleads adults to think they are handling their grief. Premature puberty can occur in some children with signs of puberty showing up as early as age 6. Grieving in divorce leaves the child continually hoping for the parents to be reunited.
If signs persist, professional help may be needed. A child and adolescent psychiatrist, or other qualified mental health professional, can help the child accept the loss and assist the others in helping the child through the mourning process.
I was listening in on a call, and my husband's daughter told the 10-year-old "I would love to come and visit but Pop's a jerk."
I immediately told my granddaughter to hang up the phone, and I told that so-and-so exactly what I thought. My husband got on and added his two cents.
I hope she never, ever calls again.