While my DD isn't into the drug and I have her son because she was just too young to care for him... there are thinks that I feel she could to to be a better part of his life... he knows her as his mom but their relationship is more like that of a brother and sister... she talks about him coming to live with her some day and would take him now (at least for a while) if I would allow it but again there is not a motherly relationship with him and she is always GOING to change that but something always gets in the way...

My reason for saying all this because I wanted you to know "I AM TOTALLY RIGHT THERE WITH YOU AND HOW YOU FEEL!!" I love my DD and that will never change and neither will the fact that she is my DD and as long as I am a live I will NEVER give up hope she will someday do the right thing, I will NEVER stop believing she will be the mom she was intended... even if that means he never goes to live with her but she will be there for him, be at his school plays, field trips, games, first accomplishment... right now she is not but I pray some day she will be.

as far as getting angry... she does make me angry sometimes but I always get over it.

My husband seems to feel the same way about Pinky, but then again, he's her bio-dad. I'm just a stepmother.

Here's why I'm mad at her all the time. Since I met her at 14 she has never done a single thing to be proud of. She has never taken good advice about anything. She ran away from home with a drug dealer at 16 and dropped out of school. The years she was attending (barely), she caused my husband and me to practically live in the vice principal's office. She refused to cooperate with counseling. She checked herself out of the first rehab. She had a miscarriage at 17.

She has made my husband and my life a continuing misery, which got so much worse when she walked away from her three children and we had to step in and raise them with an hour-and-a-half notice.

As I've stated before, the bios are committing an ongoing insult, which makes it difficult to forgive and forget. Had Pinky borrowed the car and wrecked it, whether or not she made up for it we would have moved forward. But this? Every day is a reminder of what she has done. Every time I have to spend hundreds of dollars on clothing, school lunches, toys, etc. for THREE KIDS I think of Pinky and how she gets her nails done. Every time I have to turn down a fun invitation I think of Pinky, who is probably out to dinner with her latest loverboy/sugar daddy. Every time I want to quietly read a book I remember that Pinky is free to do anything that she wants, at any time. Every time I hear parents talk about college for their kids, I think that thanks to Pinky our three won't be able to go unless they get serious scholarships. And every time I slave over homework until bedtime I think of PInky and her loverboy watching TV together or going for a long romantic walk.

And every time Pinky is around we have to hear HER feelings, needs, wants and convenience.

Yet my husband continues to hope that she'll change, and I think he still hopes she can get her kids back. She made it for nine months, He'll get angry for a moment, but then he cools off.

I guess like you "real" parents, he remembers her when she was little and innocent. I never knew her then, so all I remember is the brat who has made our lives a continuing nightmare for more than 15 years.

So far it has been my experience that getting mad doesn't really solve the problems, just creates more for me! I understand the wanting to trust and wanting to hope that this time is "THE" time things change. It is hard as a parent to look at your child and know their potential and that they are actively closing doors of opportunity and limiting their own success. My husband has had a particularly difficult time of accepting that things are what they are, not what we wish them to be. It doesn't mean we give up hope. If we give up on them they have no one hoping and praying for them. Don't get me wrong, I get angry. A lot. But when I think about it it's based in fear. And I think it is like a grieving process in some ways.

Pammella - I think you and most of us will "always" hope and pray for our daughters and sons to be all they could and should be. I have been plenty angry at the bios. I haven't shown it much because in the beginning I was kissing their A's in fear that the kids would go back to living the hell they were living. The main thing is to not enable them as hard as that may be. Tough love is exactly that.
Sara you are more of a "real mother" than most real parents if you know what I mean.

Reading this makes me cry. I would give anything to have my Daughter back to believe in her again. We were like best friends always together I so believed in her then I was hit in the face with reality Did I ever really know her I did all I could to make her and her 5 kids safe and happy. A place to live, pay bills always telling my self it was for the kids even to the point my husband said him or me of course this was my only child it would always be her. After being arrested I again got the 3 kids (twins were still with there bio dad) With family and friends telling me what I SHOULD do I didn't get her out. She was basicly living on the streets she only saw her kids 2/3 times I last saw her at the court house turning over guardinship to me. She was in a rehab looked well much better then before this was a Thur she begged me not to turn off her cell phone said it was ok w/rehab so she could call me and her kids (she always called several times a day) Once again I gave in she was kicked out the next day for having the phone. Back on the streets with no place to go Couldn't be w/me I had the kids all 5 that weekend. Sunday was Super Bowl she was at a party drinking (no drugs were found in her) went to trailer nextdoor at 4 a.m. it caught on fire volunteer fire depart told it was deserted (a lie) and to let it burn My baby was in here. I know these people that evening due to smell police were called back out a body was found 3 months later they tell me it is my child you can now have a service case closed. will always believe a guy (dealer) killed her and set tr on fire small town etc Now she is at peace but me and the kids will never know if she would of got back on track maybe this was Gods way of protecting us from all the hurt I hear each of you are going thur daily. I just miss her or who I aways felt she was

Big hugs and prayers go out to you Pashep. Your post broke my heart and all I can say is I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes things happen that are so impossible to understand but I truly believe that one day we will all be in a better place, a place with no more pain and that's what keeps me going. Take care.

Pashep, that is truly a parent's worst nightmare come true.

When we finally had enough of Pinky and completely stopped enabling her we knew that she could die of an OD, murder, whatever. I'm sure my husband feared that more than I did, since she's his flesh and blood. We discussed it many times, and knew that we would feel awful if we got that call. We still may get that call one day, since she's liable to relapse at any moment. But ultimately, there is nothing -- NOTHING -- we can do to help her.

Addiction to drugs and/or alcohol is considered a progressive disease that is almost always fatal if not treated in time - either from the substance itself or the lifestyle that goes with it. The worst part of it is that the addict, who cannot think clearly, needs to think clearly in order to sincerely want treatment and stick with it. When you think about it, it's a no-win situation.

I hope that in your heart you know that you had nothing to do with her death. It was a terminal disease that caused her death. I hope you truly believe that, because it is the truth. Hugs to you!

When your a parent you never give up hope, were there is life there is hope. Till the end we hope for the best for our children. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Pashep, that is a fear we all live with. My daughter has been doing very well since she went to jail for 2 months, shes been clean for 4 months, has been on her bipolar meds for 2 months, and is going to rehab on the 25th of this month. So i am very hopeful. She is talking sense now and i have my daughter back, if she goes back to using i will be heartbroken but their is nothing i can do about it. I cut off contact with her for 7 months after 6 years of dealing with her drug addiction and her bipolar disorder i was burned out, cutting her off from us was the best thing i could do she finally got it that if she wants a relationship with her family she needs to work at getting clean and taking her meds. Tough love, it was very tough on me, but i wanted my girl back. Lets say a prayer for all these children of ours that they will find their way.

Oh yes, you can give up hope. My daughter is 38 and has been an addict for 25 years. I've tried everything to help her, I've let her go for long periods of time, I've hoped, prayed, cried. Even now, when her visitation has been revoked because of her drug use she doesn't quit or seek help. She just calls me and cries that it's just too hard to stay off drugs. She's permanently fried her brains...she's not the same person I knew as a child. I don't like the person she's become and I don't want her near me or her child. I have no hope.

Thanks so much to all of you. I will pray each you will get peace and your chid back. Family and friends seem to forget these are our babies no matter what. Tonight I took my 2 plus 2 others to Church and we played and sung Motown all the way It is those moments of pure joy that keeps me going I really am a upbeat person even if it doesnt seem like it I love people and laughter Yall have no idea how much this sight has helped me even when I couldn't get on I read daily. Your understanding means so much. Yes I did and still do at times blame myself for her death If Onlys can drive you nuts My brain tells me one thing but the heart another

I agree with Grammy2, in that getting angry doesn't really help anything. Even if you confront an addict they can process what you are saying or if they do they don't really care about anything but their drugs. As for holding onto hope, I am still trying but for my son it has been nearly 20 yrs and the hope is getting smaller and smaller. I still pray for him every night but so much of my energy is used up in taking care of his 4 kids that praying is all I can do. I live with the fear every day that I will get that phone call that he is gone but I push it to the back of my mind as much as I can because I know I can't do anything about it.

To Pashep: I am so sorry for your loss....I cannot even begin to understand the pain you must be in. I pray for all of us and our children that we will someday have some peace of mind.

As a therapist you know that anger is a secondary emotion. Our daughter died of a malignant brain tumor. Prior to her dx she had gotten into bulemia for a short time and I was angry that because of this, the tumor grew. I knew better but I had to express my anger and frustration that she might die. Of course we remember the babes we held but we have little control over our children's choices. You yearn for the way you how'd things w be. As my younger daughter once said to me when asked why our lives couldn't be more like the families ontv: "they have a script mom and we don't.

I have had the same issues with my son....

I had to separate his actions from him....His actions are irresponsible, unacceptable, selfish...they infuriate me to the core....his ACTIONS exhaust me, physically, mentally and spiritually.......But HE, the depth of who he is and what his potential has always been, his spirit, his soul....I just love.....that is all I know to do.....

I'm new here...and I'm curious about one thing: why do your husband and friends think you should be angry (or "get mad")? I can understand the negative effects of suppressing anger or of denying it...but I don't see any benefit in seeking it out as a solution or as a way to make anything better for you, your grandchild or your child. I totally understand hanging on to hope. Without the hope that one day my D will change the course of her life, I would totally lose my tenuous grip on my own sanity. I have anger toward my D. I journal, go to therapy...but expressing it directly to her is not productive and I've certainly found that out the hard way. I love her...I will always love her. What you so eloquently expressed about wanting that little girl back...your REAL daughter...is exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing that...I needed it...(((Hugs)))

thank you all......and so sorry to those of you who have lost your children to their illness or other means. Made me grateful that D is at least still living.......made my problems seem small. My hubby and friends think if i got mad then i could seperate myself from her on some level. And i have to say I am angry and i agree that unleashing that anger on her will have no good outcome. I love this board because im not judged and we all have the same emotions to dome degree. I like Noahsmimi's post about being mad at her behavior and still loving her. Thats what im angry at.......her behavior.......and im dissapointed, embarrased, have guilt, and grieving not only the loss of my hopes for my d but i grieve the loss of our freedom........our lives were upheaved and even though wed not have it any other way still its hard. thank you all again.......love love love this board:)