Redhead, that's so typical, and I'm afraid it may always be that way.

We've raised our three grandchildren for 10 years this summer. Their "mother" has been virtually useless or totally absent for virtually all of that time. She has broken promises, taken the kids' money, slept away entire weekends, never called, etc. etc.

Yet when she does call it's like the Second Coming and my husband and I no longer exist.

No matter who we are to our grandchildren, the bios are "Mommy" and "Daddy" and will always be. It does rip our hearts out, but there's nothing that can be done about it.

Pinky will ALWAYS "win." Always.

This has been discussed here by many and clearly is one of the top problems for grandparents raising children of addicts. The worst problem we faced was a mentally ill stepmother and bio dad who came from a dysfunctional family. I do know the Best thing that happened for our grandson was his father stepping out of his life. This was not easy as the therapist explained that our grandson, at age five, had taken on the role of parent to his father. He was worried what would happen to his dad if he, at five, was not there to protect him. Once his father abandoned him, we were able to start creating the family environment he needed. We never said anything bad about his dad and assured him his dad was safe. He went through the phases of grief and eventually was able to accept the abandonment. I know it is not easy to walk away from your own child but is it best for your grandchild? You are one defining mother to your grandchild and that is the reality.

Bio showed up for 2 days of out vacation and of course kids were thrilled , the bios are superheroes and it does hurt when they cry after bios leave. Add to my confusion when they oldest who never lived with her cries when she goes, yet both tell me they are going to live with me forever, I don't know what to think , or feel, about that.

Now with bio due to have baby brother any day now , and they are exited about that , yet I can't just hand them back since I have legal custody , will I be seen as keeping them from their mother? This circumstance is her doing, not mine. ....I think divorced custodial parents must go through some of this emotional drain as well, when the non custodial gets to play hero on weekends while the other parent has to be an actual parent all week

Hello. I have been visiting this site but just joined today. It has been so helpful to me seeing that my husband and I are not alone in raising grandchildren. That our problems are shared by some very many grandparents. Our granddaughters are 5 and 6, have been living with us for almost 2 1/2 years, and last year we became their legal guardians. We will be 65 in August...not an easy age to be raising young children.

redheadfrog I understand your feelings only too well. I try not to be resentful when the 'parents' especially 'mom' ( our daughter ) breezes in like the 'mother of the year'. It also is hard to take that we are the ones who make sure they get to school and activities but when there is a function at school or activities to have the 'parents' show up and do their 'doting parent' thing while we are pushed to the side. And, we won't even talk about all the parenting advise she likes to hand out !!

Hoping you are feeling better today.

I feel your pain. My now 9year old just had his birthday. This was his 1st where he didnt even get to talk to his biomom. He was fine all day but my husband corrected him on a behavior and thats all it took to make him go off to be alone. He then started coming by me making eye contact (which means he want me to engage) I did and while trying to talk to him he reminds me that I am not his parent but only his guardian. I know that he thinks of me more then that but at the time he wanted to hurt me. I know this so I ended the conversation. I would encouage you to just keep loving them be there for them and stay the course. Children of addicts are from lifes of drama and when they feel pain they try to create drama. I just remind myself that my daughter is no different then a special aunt or freind they like to have over and dont want to see leave. Sending hugs your way.

Thank all of you, feel a bit better today. Strange we dropped my dd off at the bus and gd just said bye, love you and that was it. It's so strange that yesterday she cried. I don't know, I imagine gd is more confused than I am.

Your granddaughter is most likely relieved your dd is gone. I am sure she was worried about what was going to happen and a bit scared that mom might take her with her when she left. These kids feel the tension, they know you are upset and worried, they do not know how to act, they are not sure if the adults are honest with them. How can we be when we do not know ourselves what the bios are going to do?

Grammy22, I suspect you're right. Gd was on her best behavior and after a day or two is her old self. I guess I was too stressed to see the change. She wouldn't burp, pick her nose or fart in front of dd. she's even mentioned how we...Grammy, Papa and me are a happy family. Nit amazes me how aware she really is of such a stressful situation. I only left dd alone for 20 mins while I showered and that might have been enough to say some things to gd about going to live with her.

Dear redhead;
I felt the tears well up inside when I read the first line of your post and with reply #1 about the mother being virtually useless and the Second Coming rang loudly with me. Additionally using the word the superheros from post #3 is another way to describe how I feel about my daughter's skin deep connection with our gs. I loathe this yet know it I know that all children have a connection with their bios no matter what is done to them or what they experience. This for lack of better word 'sucks' beyond anything I can think of. And the fact that we are put in this postions are so frustrating and unfair. We are good people with kind hearts. . As far as looking to you for for essentials; As I am new to this (my gs is a 20 mo) My Dd lives with us and at this point providing essentials makes me feel like a like a Nanny; presenting my gs to the queen b/c I change,dressbathe,feed etc. This hurts. Dd walks in the room (after sleeping all day after partying all night) tickles him and he clearly adores her. But I did all the work.
But reflecting on whar you posted, Redhead, you gave your gd structure to live by and she has a routine and predictanility with you. This is the greatest gift next to your love that you can give her. This is really a positive thing that I can only hope for.

After the therapist told us out gs had taken the role of parent with his bio dad, we ensued on a track of allowing him to be a kid. As his father regained visitation the worries came back and he became defensive of the father who had abused him. When we were forced to sell our home of 25 years to pay legal and medical bills, we moved further out in the suburbs where rents were lower. The father began to miss visits without notice and eventually sent letter through his lawyer stating he wanted nothing to do with vs and we could adopt him if we did not ask for money (lol).. the therapist, lawyer and GAL said "do it!". I can out tell you much our vs changed! He became a kid, made friends became a normal kid. The stress in his face disappeared and smiles became prevalent. That was when we became mom and. dad. Yes, the bio parents will have an affect but not necessarily a positive one. The therapist advised us to put our gs through grief therapy which relieved him of ghouls supposed parental role so he could become a kid, relieved of worrying about his "dad". Even if there is a bond with bio you need to focus on the family you have created with gs. The best thing that can happen for our gc is for the dysfunctional parent(s) to disappear. I know this is difficult as it is your child that you must write off. I understand each case is different but I can tell you from experience the line must be drawn to allow the children a normal childhood.

This is a very interesting post with many profound responses to think about.