Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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dianaconroy 04/13/2012

Tomorrow's our court date and as always my step-daughter called to ask me "what the plan was", in other words when do I plan on driving 1 hour to pick her up. We've been in court since August and every court date I either pick her up (yes I drive two hours round trip), ot I pay for her train ticket. today she called and wanted to know when I would pick her up, I said I couldn't because of work. Which is the honest to god truth, she then said - "then how I'm I supposed to get there"? I told her to take the train, to which she responded "you're paying for it right?", she can't afford a 25.00 dollar train ride but she want's her kids? For god's sake. My husband has strictly forbidden me to pay for any more of her stuff. I told her to ask her dad, and now she's calling me every 30 mins, I'm not answering and I want to sooo bad tell her I'll pay for it. I'm so afraid that she'll find her way there and be so pissed that she'll fight harder. I know that sounds silly and I shouldn't be afraid of her, the facts speak for themselves, but for those of you who have been in this place I've developed such a co-dependant relationship with her. It's scary.

deleted_user 04/13/2012

Stand your ground! I know it's hard, but if she wants to be there, she can come up with the money to get there. They sure can come up with the money for other things they "need" without calling. I wouldn't answer the phone either, for a long while, then just tell her she'll have to find her own way there, she's a grown woman and should be able to manage it.

SaraBT 04/13/2012

I second Granny! If anything, her attitude shows that she doesn't have what it takes to raise children. I know what you mean, though. They can make themselves sound SO pathetic and lost that you want to give in either because you feel sorry for them or simply want to shut them up.
Stand your ground!!!! And let us know what happened - we'll be thinking of you.

deleted_user 04/13/2012

Oh have we been there and done that! So hard to make the choice between your child and your grandchild, or to have to stand by your partner when your heart isn't in their decision. All I can say is that the angrier they get, the more they prove that they are not in control of themselves and that they haven't gotten truly sober or managed whatever business they needed to manage. I'm sorry for your hurt and hope things go well in court.

mommagain 04/13/2012

I agree with all.

deleted_user 04/13/2012

I have put my foot down about playing taxi for the bios. If they want to see their child or have other business they need to take care of they are adults and need to act like it.

My daughter still has a warrent out for her arrest because I will not drive her to the courthouse and she has not bothered to find any other way there.

It took me a long time to get to this point but once the bios realise you are serious they eventually stop asking and you get a measure of peace.

Please let us know how court goes. My thoughts are with you.

SaraBT 04/13/2012

Also, forcing them to do for themselves, even in such a small way as making them figure out how to get to an appointment, is one small step toward MAYBE getting them back on track. As long as we do for them they don't ever have to even try to do for themselves.

Haven't seen it work yet, but if nothing else it reduces OUR aggravation! LOL

NannaKMS 04/13/2012

Your doing the right thing, i was just like you i was afraid to put my foot down with my daughter when we were going through the court thing. I first court date she and her ex showed, then everyone after that they didn't even show up for and i ended up getting custody of gs. I put my foot down after that and it felt good, but my daughter was like yours calling me constantly like a spoiled little girl that didn't get her own way. They have a lot of growing up to do, hows about getting a real job and working your ass off for a living how about that !!!! I hope court goes well for you best of luck !!!!

BuffyS 04/14/2012

I remember before my daughter had her own car, when I told her she had to find her own way to see my granddaughter, she picked up a guy and manipulated him into driving her to our house. Disgusting.

SaraBT 04/14/2012

Buffy, that's exactly how Pinky does it! if Loverboy can't drive her and we can't pick her up at the bus (she hates to take the bus - she's a Princess), she gets some guy to drive her an hour each way!!!

daisydduck 04/14/2012

Your husband has taken the burden off of you by telling you not to support her in this. He is right. She is just trying to use you. Turn the phone off if necessary and go about your life. Absolutely agree that she is not mother material if she cannot even get herself to court. Let the judge see the real her when she doesn't show up and tries to blame you!

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