Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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GD Calling us Mom and Dad

redheadfrog
redheadfrog
So lately our gd has been calling us mom and dad. She switches between grammy / mom and papa / dad. She was doing this a lot before her mother visited (after a 2 year absence) in July, mom hasn't been back since. She was shy with her mother and was not upset when she left.

We have been going to the indoor pool a lot more often and I'm always at her side. Kids will say something to her and end with...and your mom, referring to me...she has not corrected anyone in at least two years when they say your mom or dad.

Frankly, I love that she calls us mom and dad. Never any pattern, it would just come out. She is now saying bye mom every morning when I leave for work. I don't bat an eye, just hug her tightly and kiss her as always.

I'm afraid if / when her mother comes for Thanksgiving...she is threatening, I mean saying, she is coming for Thanksgiving...she will be pissed and might express her displeasure in front of gd. I do not want this to happen to my gd, her mother has put her through enough.

Should I give her mother a heads up?
nutsandbolts
nutsandbolts
I think it's great she feels connected enough to call you both Mom and dad.
I would give her mother the heads up with a stern warning if she says anything negative she will be removed and not able to come back.
Bio Mom is in and out of her DD life, what did she think would happen?

Have a Great holiday Season and don't let anyone try to take it away from you and your new family!
grammy22
grammy22
I hate the drama, personally I do not have people over for the holidays that cause me drama. Bio's or not.
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
I agree grammy22...she usually cancels...here's to hoping!
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
nutsandbolts, Thank you, that's my point ever time she gets upset by something that she's facilitated! Cause and effect!

Hope you have a lovely holiday season too!
scgramma
scgramma
I wouldn't bother telling her, she probably won't show or she might come just to "put a stop to it" if you want to mention it, wait until she arrives just my humble opinion . Bios here can't be counted to show . This thanksgiving I let them know we are going to Orlando for thanksgiving. So no opportunity for drama!
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
Thank you scgramma, I think that's good advice. Perhaps she won't show, wouldn't be the first time. We plan to go to Chicago for Christmas. If she does show for Thanksgiving, at least we have Christmas:)
SaraBT
SaraBT
I think what bothers me the most is that we never know what the bios tell the kids when they're alone. If our grandkids called us Mom and Dad, for example, and Pinky heard it, she'd wait for a moment to be alone with them. Then she'd tell them under no circumstances can they call us that.

Once she does that they'd obey her unquestioningly. She is hardly ever in their lives, she's a drug ho, she hasn't raised them for 10 years and to them she's still Mommy. She has told them all sorts of crap that we don't find out about for months or years. Her nonsense affects them in all kinds of ways, but we can't address it because we don't even know it happened.

She will always be Mommy. Ticks me off royally.
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
SaraBT, Ugh! That sounds horrible. Our gd is only 4 and is usually only exposed to her bio over the phone. When she visited this past July, gd was not alone with her at all. Even when they went out into the yard it only took a about 5 minutes until gd called for me. I pray that bio mom does not ever do those things to gd. Our daughter (bio mom) has another child and lives in another state, I have told her not to mention visits, but she does on occasion...I immediately correct her! Thank goodness gd is too young to really care at this point.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My GS who has been with us for 7 months and is 7 yrs old has occasionally called me mom but I have told him I am his grandma. Should I not say anything? Not sure when my son will try get him back through the court and if he does I thought it would confuse my GS even more by calling me mom. His bio mom passed away when he was 4 but the girlfriend has been in his life since he was 3 up until he moved in with us. He called her mom. Just not sure what to do with that. My nephew whom I have legal guardianship of as well since he was 7 (he is now 15) tells my GS not to call me mom that I am grandma.
JanAndRob
JanAndRob
Our GD age four started calling us Mom and Dad, mostly me as Mom. I researched here with you all, and found this is common. Then I talked with our child psychologist and she said it's a 'comfort word' and just let it be. That made sense to us. Bios are here weekly lately, (ugh) and sometimes GD will say "Mom" and we both answer. GD will simply say which one of us she is talking to. My son, bio dad corrected GD once, and I explained that he needs to leave it alone, per psychologist, and he DID! Important thing is what's best for the child, in the here and now. Who knows what the future holds. Also I think it normalizes their lives around other kids as well.
grammy22
grammy22
I have noticed the the 9 year old is trying out the Mom word on me. Not calling me mom but using it in a sing song way about me doing all the mom things for her. " Mom mom doing all my mom mom things for me." Once in a while she will say to me, " you are like a mom, you do everything for me that a mom should do."

I think the 10 year old has a problem with it and rebels by not wanting me to do things for her. For two weeks she even did her own laundry.
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
grammy22, That is exactly how it started with our gd, she loves to sing and we would hear the words mom and dad with references to us. So funny.
8legs
8legs
We are their mothers. What is a mother? One the cares for you, lives you, listens to you, protects you ect. We dont not have to give birth to them to be their mom. My 4 year old calls me mom and he nows knows that he didnt come out of my tummy but I am his mom. My daughter only neglected him and use drugs while pregnant with him. My 9 year old still calls me grams but he doesnt correct anyone that calls me his mom. He wants to call me mom but he remembers when I was his grams and has wonderful memories of our time together. So I dont tell her unless she comes and then address it. I will say I if any of you are having trouble with bios saying or correcting with the children dont leave them alone. I wouldnt when my daughter came over because she has wanted him to keep secrets.
daisydduck
daisydduck
As soon as adoption went through, our grandson started calling us mom and dad. I felt like I was betraying my deceased daughter (his mom) but she explained it was important for him to do so. Kids don't like to be different and other kids can be cruel. My grandson was bullied on the bus by a couple of boys who taunted him with: "How come your grandma is always there? Where's your mom? Oh, that's right, she's dead". Grandson would get angry and fights ensued. We eventually took him off bus and picked him up to avoid the problem. As a young adult, we are very much mom and dad to him. Our daughter's children call him "uncle" and he feels secure that he is a part of our family. Someone on this site once said that if you do the job, you deserve the title. When he was eight, we were checking out at the supermarket at the beginning of spring break and the clerk asked if he was spending the week with grandma. He quickly answered: "She's my mom, not my grandma."
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
Love that she's calling me mom...she's still alternating between the two, but when she says mom, I just say yes darling. Thank you all for your replies.