Snow, Welcome to the group...We're here and we all have been in the same spot as you . My husband and I are in our mid to late 50's as well. I have a 16 yr old that we have had since 2005. We also adopted 3 years ago my GD age 10 and GS age 5. GD and GS came to us when GS was born.

Just because we have had the three for a long time doesn't mean things were easy at first. We have 5 years between children which makes a BIG difference. I had to relearn patience and figure out how to keep up my strength.

After the adoption we went on a road trip for a week. This gave us time to bond and become a family, without the stress from home. The kids had only us and we had only them. We had such a good time that we take off on a road trip every year now!

If you can go on a road trip! Enjoy time away from the everyday duties and you might see the difference, most of all, they might see your pretty cool!

Hi, Yes there are others like you. Too many of us.

I have had mine for 15 months, 10 & 9. The oldest is fresh and talks back with no respect, the youngest is sweet but is starting to copy her oldest sister. I have to say it is SO much better then it was in the beginning but it is a roller coaster. Anniversary dates set things off, moving in date, suicide of grandmother date, leaving the other grandfather to move back to mom date............ you get the idea.

Both girls are good students and well behaved in school. We are lucky there. Two maternal step grandparents are around to help out. Bio dad is around and sees the girl, Bio mom is not.

As for the counselor most counselors are not equipt to handle the problems these kids have. You need to find a counselor that specializes in foster or adoption. Closet you will get to what these kids need. Still it is slow. We keep taking a few steps forward and a few steps back. When the counselor hits on a tender spot I know life will be hell the next week or so. Right now the oldest is wanting to avoid the counselor all together since she is hitting all the right topics and got her to share more then she wanted to share.

I wish adoption were an option for us here but our state will not allow us to unless we can get both parents to sign or for DCF to terminate their rights. We need a law change here.

Hi, welcome to the group! I love the idea of a road trip if you can! We loved it when GD was little and are looking forward to it again.

Our situation is a little different as we only have one. Our GD was with us off and on until she was 4 when we talked my mentally ill, alcoholic daughter into leaving her with us, informally. When she was 7 1/2 my daughter convinced CPS that she could parent. Did not see her again for 6 years, mother allowed no contact at all. We remortgaged our house and used husband's 401K to pay for attorneys but did not succeed.

In August she escaped from abusive mother with help and called me. We helped her file an Order For Protection and I filed for emergency custody on my own. I now have permanent custody.

She just turned 17. Things are hard but this is where she belongs. I agree with Grammy about therapy. GD likes her weekly therapist and we chose her because she specializes in domestic abuse and sees only girls/women.

You have three and I'm sure that's a handful! But I'm also sure you are loving and empathetic or you wouldn't have them. There are physical support groups in my state, MN. Maybe there are some near you for you and your husband?

Sorry Snow! I forgot you are IN a support group! I hope they can give you more ideas for the rest of the week too.

Welcome, Snow!

My husband and I got his three biological grandchildren with an hour and a half notice 10 years ago. We were in our mid-50s then, and had a two-year-old still in diapers, a four-year-old and a six-year old.

Somehow we made it through the first years, hoping that their mother, my husband's daughter "Pinky" would get her life together.

That never happened. His retirement was destroyed, we lost just about all of our savings on kiddie furniture, clothing, etc., and our lives were turned upside down. Fortunately we didn't have obvious behavioral issues, although our two eldest granddaughters ended up in counseling for depression and cutting (things turned around amazingly).

It's SUCH a hard row to hoe, but it can be done. We began by implementing a STRICT schedule for the kids. No variations for the first few months - which sounds cruel, but it provided them with predictability and security. Something they'd been missing since birth as their "mother" ran around with all sorts of loser druggies. Once they got used to their schedules, we were able to relax them a bit for special occasions. But to this day they all go to bed pretty much the same time, do their homework, etc.

We're adopting ours as well. Our hearing is April 10, and we'll apply for the SS Child's Benefit after. I wish we had known about that sooner, because we got no child support or anything and that money would have helped immensely.

If you can get the kids into counseling, you may be pleasantly surprised at the turnaround. Look for counseling services that are "evidence based" or "outcomes based." They tend to be more focused on solving problems than getting into long-term therapies. In our girls' cases that was exactly what they needed.

And stick around here - we've all been through what you're going through and somehow we're still hanging in there! :-) The positive changes in our grandchildren' lives makes it worth it. Mostly. HAHA

Thank you all for your replies to my post. It means alot to have a place to talk about this situation. We are praying it gets better. It was drugs that split the family up . Mom asks to see them about once every 4 to 6 weeks and dad still sees them every weekend. Their dad is our son. This is another very difficult area . We want the relationship with our son, but the kids are confused about how to act around him . Sometimes I think it would be easier if he wasn't in the picture.
There is so many days we just feel like giving up, but of coarse we don't . Where would they be without us ? Probably hopping around in foster care. That is just not going to happen. I just wish we could become a normal family without so many issues every day .

That made me laugh Snow! Not sure what a "normal" family is because we have never been close to that with my mentally ill, alcohol dependent daughter. But we are, indeed, a family and you will be too if you're not already. :)

Hi Snowshoe -- welcome.

I'm new to this as well and wading through on how to do it.

It sounds like you have hooked up with some good support such as couples support group and getting the children in therapy. The kids are probably extra mouth because they haven't been shown a regular routine/schedule, consistency and were forced to care for each other.

Like you I also find this the hardest thing I've ever gone through but I am experiencing breakthroughs with the kids. My grandkids don't have behavior problems because they were loved by their parents and at the same time neglected if that makes any sense. It's more me learning to do this all by myself at 65.

Hang in there because what you are doing is saving three lives from neglect and abuse and bouncing around foster care which can be a devastating and lonely experience for kids. I heard in my training that it takes at least two years for all this to gell and start feeling like a real family.

Keep posting. We do understand the struggles. (((HUGS))))

I wanted to add that I understand about grands saying awful things to us. Sometimes my GD says things to me that make me cry. And later when I think about what she said, it sounds like it came out of her mother's mouth, word for word. She had 8 years with mother being brainwashed to hate me.

You are getting great input here. Everyone is so kind and helpful and we all understand.

We are at the empty nest....again, after raising our grandson. It was a real learning experience but we made it. It's not a matter of discipline. They are testing you to see if you will throw them out like their parents did. It is even more confusing when the parents show up to visit. Your family with them will be different and that's okay. Emotions are weighing you down now but you will find the energy.(I highly recommend vitamin D). What they need the most is to know you will be there for them. To handle the problems with not listening have a family meeting and tell them you love them. Tell them because you love them but they must respect you. We also had a "grandparent" day about every six weeks as a reward for good behavior. On those days we were not parents but grandparents for the day. He was allowed to choose and then we went to the mall where he was allowed to choose a toy. When we tucked ked him in at night we established that in the morning we would be parents again with expected behavior. I'm sure you get the idea. You can do this. Relax and don't worry about the little stuff and don't set expectations too high for yourself or them. I did write a book called Born Into Love. It's available on Amazon and might be a resource e for you. If you order paperback, it's o lying about $10. God be with you on this path you did not choose to follow.

Wow , all of you who have taken the time to reach out to me is a wonderful feeling . I am just so overwhelmed right now with anger, sadness, guilt and resentment. We were doing very well with the oldest, no real problems, but the road to having the other 2 come live with us was crazy and very stressful. Then when they got here, things were good at first , but now it's everyday walking on eggshells , trying not make everyone mad or throw fits. The oldest resents his sister, maybe because she looks and acts just like her mother. It could be a constant reminder for him. The 2 younger ones moods is like throwing a switch. My husband and I want them, but don't want to keep living like this. But again thank you for listening and giving some great advice. It means so much to me.

Maybe the upcoming adoption date is pushing buttons? Will you really go through with it? How do I feel about losing my parents permanently? Etc. If you do not feel the therapist is helping, I'd get another. Also, maybe you could have a couple of whole family sessions to deal with the adoption?

When my GD was 4, the third therapist we tried was the right one. The things she taught me about caring for my GD are still with me today and still help. And as others here have said, it's not like raising our children.

I remember once when my mother told me that I coddled her. The therapist said "You are bonded to her. Trust your heart." And I still do no matter what anyone else tells me.

Daisyduck, You have always have such good feedback. I ordered the Kindle version of your book.

Snowshoe, don't forget that siblings fight! LOL

I think that sometimes we read more into their relationships than is there. I used to think that all of their arguing was because of Pinky. Then I realized that a lot of the calling each other "idiot" and swatting at each other, stealing their stuff and bickering was normal. I still hate it and tell them they're giving me a headache, but I'm pretty sure that much of it is just because they're siblings. GRRRRRRRR.

SaraBT,

I was the oldest of 8 children and you should have seen the fight me and my siblings had. I don't know how my parents survived.