Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
I haven't been in the loop too much in the past few months. Daughter fell asleep at the wheel and broke a phone pole in half and broke her nose and jaw. She walked from hospital when they wanted to do UA. Guess law enforcement wasn't looking for drugs and didn't smell alcohol, so she wasn't taken into custody at the scene.
Since then, we got a real shocker she is pregnant. 8 years unhealthier and looking at another preemie due to her drug caused hypertension. So baby is due in July, but I bet she doesn't make it thru April. Last one was born at 27 weeks and she is almost at 24 now. She has serious serious health issues that are life threatening to her and unborn child.
Good news she is in rehab. I told her is she didn't go, that I could not speak to her again because using meth and being pregnant is child abuse.She said she wanted help so we got her right in. But she was supposed to go to a 6 month program, and she bailed on that, and her old rehab took her back and she has to start over. She will be there til first of April, unless hospitalized.
So that is good, but I am not ignorant, 15 years on meth.. I won't trust her for a very long time.
Of course now that she has been clean for 30 days, she is calling from rehab and wants to talk to our grandson, and I heard him say "I promise" okay I promise" Asked him what was the promise? "I forgot" Man that bond is scary strong. And we have had him since he came home from hospital. Next call will be on speaker phone.
I have no obligation legally to let her visit, or anything. Am conflicted, I want to support her sobriety and am willing to take her to her doc appts, but other than that, I don't want to get too close.
Any advice on how to handle relationship issues with grandson and her? I don't think after all this time she can just assume with days of sobriety under her belt that she is going to be well received by us.
One thing I told her is he will not know she is pregnant nor in rehab, those are grown up things and he just gets to be a kid. If she has a live birth and completes her program then we will talk with him. I have a friend who is has Masters in psychology and she agrees with our decision. She is raising a grandson too. Our grandson tends to be a worrier and has co dependent stamped on his forehead at age 7.
Hope I am wording this okay. I really do want her to be well, but I am tired and wary.
Did speak with our attorney and she said since we have private custody (not thru ongoing case with CPS) she should have no leverage on messing with custody of our grandson, now that she is all hooked in with dshs for rehab and medical etc.
Boy life has its twists and turns.
Since then, we got a real shocker she is pregnant. 8 years unhealthier and looking at another preemie due to her drug caused hypertension. So baby is due in July, but I bet she doesn't make it thru April. Last one was born at 27 weeks and she is almost at 24 now. She has serious serious health issues that are life threatening to her and unborn child.
Good news she is in rehab. I told her is she didn't go, that I could not speak to her again because using meth and being pregnant is child abuse.She said she wanted help so we got her right in. But she was supposed to go to a 6 month program, and she bailed on that, and her old rehab took her back and she has to start over. She will be there til first of April, unless hospitalized.
So that is good, but I am not ignorant, 15 years on meth.. I won't trust her for a very long time.
Of course now that she has been clean for 30 days, she is calling from rehab and wants to talk to our grandson, and I heard him say "I promise" okay I promise" Asked him what was the promise? "I forgot" Man that bond is scary strong. And we have had him since he came home from hospital. Next call will be on speaker phone.
I have no obligation legally to let her visit, or anything. Am conflicted, I want to support her sobriety and am willing to take her to her doc appts, but other than that, I don't want to get too close.
Any advice on how to handle relationship issues with grandson and her? I don't think after all this time she can just assume with days of sobriety under her belt that she is going to be well received by us.
One thing I told her is he will not know she is pregnant nor in rehab, those are grown up things and he just gets to be a kid. If she has a live birth and completes her program then we will talk with him. I have a friend who is has Masters in psychology and she agrees with our decision. She is raising a grandson too. Our grandson tends to be a worrier and has co dependent stamped on his forehead at age 7.
Hope I am wording this okay. I really do want her to be well, but I am tired and wary.
Did speak with our attorney and she said since we have private custody (not thru ongoing case with CPS) she should have no leverage on messing with custody of our grandson, now that she is all hooked in with dshs for rehab and medical etc.
Boy life has its twists and turns.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
My husband's daughter was regularly cheating on her live-in boyfriend with another guy, and she would take the two girls with her (the boy wasn't yet born). She would make them promise not to tell the live-in that Mommy was with another man.
The middle child kept her promise, and she was "Mommy's Baby Girl." The eldest promptly told the live-in, and she was told in no uncertain terms that she was NOT "Mommy's Baby Girl." She's 10 years old now and has never forgotten that.
Their Mom has also told them "secrets" and made them promise not to tell, which is another reason I listen in on EVERY call.
It's just so sad isn't it? I agree too about monitoring phone calls. I hear from others on here how bios are promising the kids this or that and not following through and just based on that I wouldn't want a GC to have to go through that ongoing dissapointment. I think it hurts them tremendously emotionally.
First speaking from the experience of having a son who is an alcoholic (16 yrs sober now, yeahhhh) your d does not yet have sobriety... she is just not drinking right now. Sobriety comes from going months and years of not drinking and from changing your whole life to a different way of thinking and reacting to the things life throws at you. Unless and until she changes her thinking and starts being responsible for herself and her actions she is just biding time until she gives birth and can start right back doing it again.
Sorry if I sound like a downer but I watched my son struggle sooooo many times and fail, then try again and fail until he finally got it!! He finally changed his thinking and now not only is 16 yrs sober but sponsors new members, encouraging them to make that step of faith and commit to a different way of life.
Now your gs, he is too young to get involved with all this drama, and if I remember right you have stated before that your d made so many promises to him and didn't keep them. I think if it were me I would tell her after she gives birth and after a period of being sober then she could possibly have some contact with her son, until then she is bad news for him. Phone calls if you decide to do it absolutely should be speaker phone calls, then you know exactly what was said or promised and can nip it in the bud.
JMHO
I absolutely will speaker phone calls, from now on, Sara. I Sooo need all of your support and reinforcement. When dealing with the life and death situation I am in, there are moments when I waver in my thinking and have to snap myself with a rubber band on my wrist!!
Lady:I know this drug is a monster. She was told in rehab that only 1 in 40 make it. She is a sweet addict mostly and the sweetness can be deceitful. Good advice. She will have to get in program and sponsor etc and not just flap her mouth. If not I won't trust her.
Just learned she made contact via phone to a fellow tweaker yesterday and he is also someone who abused her and stalks her. Very bad news. The monster is waiting.
I totally get it and have told her that I won't trust her for a long long time.
Guess all I can pray is that she stays sober until baby is born.
Believe me, if I see her go back to drugs, I will call CPS immediately.
That is a ways off. We will see if she has a live birth.
That's one of the things that makes it SO hard to refrain from enabling, isn't it? My husband's daughter is as sweet as can be. Other than when she gets into a drug rage (which she has never done with us because we don't allow her near us when she's high), she is cooperative, docile, funny, polite, etc.
In fact, and to LadyRltr's point, I think she's too sweet and accepting of everything. She doesn't HATE her present life with all of her heart. Until that happens she won't make any progress.
That is her form of manipulation.
I agree, she needs to hate her present life with all her heart.
So terribly sad and frightening.
Wish I had a crystal ball, but I don't.
So, I just need a lot of reinforcement to hold my ground.
I sure full well know the feeling of not letting a child go to foster care. It's why I have my gs. But my dd has a babe will be 1 yo in April... same scenario, drugging while pg, no prenatal care... and I went through the same thoughts and anguish. Sometimes, though, at least is true for me, it's imperative I lead with my head and not my heart. I knew, for a certainty, at the age of 58 I was not equipped to, and absolutely did not want to care for, an infant. I've taken over the responsibility and care of my dd's 10 yo (he's been with us for 4 1/2 years), and that's fine; although it was first emergency cusotody and supposed to be "temporary," I now expect we're in for the long haul with him. But I didn't want to... and wasn't going to... take on the infant. Maybe that's hard-hearted of me, but really, there are limits. I don't intend to, and aboslutely don't want to, spend the rest of my entire life until I'm 80 taking care of someone else's child... even if it is my gc. Tick-toc, tick-toc... though I'm in reasonably good health, the clock is still ticking away... a biological clock of a different sort than is usually meant by that.
A foster care situation, while certainly not ideal, is not necessarily the horror its sometimes made out to be. We hear the bad storys, and the worst of the worst of the "system", but there are many, many kind and loving families that take babys and children because they have something to give, not b/c they're looking for anything to get. Many foster familys take the children, particularly babys, with an eye toward adoption. I personally know three families who have done so starting out as fosters. I also had neighbors who fostered older children; very kind and giving people. Social services (at least in my state) will work with both the fosters and bio family (not necessarily bio parents) to facilitate an open adoption whereby the child's bio-extended family may have contact and/or visitation. My gd is currently in such a foster-care situation. When she was born it looked totally impossible that my dd would get herself together at all, ever. The best I figured I could do for the babe was to stand back and give her a chance at a "normal" life with normal aged parents and more normal family. That your dd has a sibling that would be willing to step in is great!! My son & wife were not in a position to do so. Anyway, she went into foster-care out of the hospital. Shortly thereafter, my dd was arrested and spent the next 4 months in jail. While there, she got visitation once a week with the infant and was shephered toward a residential treatment program for women AND their children. She's been there now 5 months, and has the baby on week-ends. DCF is now talking about placing the baby with her full-time at the end of April. I'm conflicted about whether this is good or not. It might be better for the baby to go to adobtion by the foster family now, as an open adoption situation, and my dd work on her own life. Afterall, with my dd's illness and drug history the future looks a lot more "iffy" with her than with the fosters. And what about if my dd relapses when the babe is 4 or 5 and THEN must be removed from her custody? As the gd is a baby, she doesn't know the abandoned feeling she might feel as a child in the same case.
Ah, geez, I dunno'. Tough, tough situations.