Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
So our GD and GS father disapeared for about 4 months right before Thanksgiving and then turned up in March, then again he went away and came back in June. Now he calls every week and wants to come visit the kids every 3 days, 99.9% of the time we always change our plans for him and/or mom. But I'm so done. I know I run the risk of being seen as unreasonable, but after four years of driving the kids to them when they wanted to show them off or for holidays, i'm so done. For four years every holiday was spent playing taxi and taking bios and kiddos to whomever relative happened to be having a gathering. half the time we felt out of place and the people didn't even want us there. I sacrificed four years of time with family and friends, every weekend was held hostage only to be stood up time after time. I love bio dad and bio mom, but i'm diappointed in them. I don't think it's right that they get to live thier lives and then they show up when they want. So I think it's reasponable for me to say that after 4 months of being away, we'll allow monthly visits and if for a period of time they're regular, we'll talk about more visits. But frankly, i just want to move on. I want to adopt and make the kids our kids. I don't want the constant cloud of uncertianty over me any more. The kids have been with us since birth,they're 6 and 4. Bios have never provided for them. Isn't that abondonment? Now our attorney is discouraging us from going for adoption and terminating rights. Any thoughts?
daisydduck
After lengthy period, i w think its time to take away parental rights and . Allw you to adopt them. Why is attorney saying not yo adopr if they have not taken any responsibility there should be no problems
deleted_user
I don't know what state you are in, but I know in my state if they are having contact, no matter how infrequent and ARE PAYING CHILD SUPPORT, the state is not likely to TPR at any point in time. This could be why your lawyer is saying not now.
deleted_user
I'd like to add that you running them all over needs to stop. Do you have full guardianship? If so, put an end to the visitations as you are doing them. YOU set visitations, not them, and they certainly SHOULD NOT include every holiday, unless it is at YOUR house! YOU set reasonable visitations - if you have a question as to what that is, talk to your lawyer - and stop running them all over. If you do not have full guardianship, that is probably your first step.
dianaconroy
I have full guardianship and I bathe last 6 years bio mom has given the kiddos a total of three outfits. Which dies not qualify her as support g them. Bio dad purshased a pair of shoes for them two years ago its the only thing he's ever purshased
SaraBT
If it's like NJ, ANY contact (even one Christmas card) within the past year would void an attempt to terminate parental rights. I'm sure it differs by state, though.
GMaWilli
Wow, we really need to put some bugs in more legislature's ears. One card? That's so pathetic.
daisydduck
I will say again. Custody is controlled by state govt. However, the Federal Constitution protects parental rights. The Constitution does NOT state parental rights but the COURTS have upheld those rights TRADITIONALLY. Sara is correct that any little bit goes in bio corner. So far, the courts in all states parental rights come first, best interest of child second and grandparents have no standing in the courts. There has been very few diversions in the past year or two. To protect the grandchildren, grandparents need to keep aware of what decisions are being made in their state courts which gives an indication of any changes. I was with all of the family court judges for Cook County Il which includes the City of Chicago. They ALL stated they find for the parents first and do not terminate rights. Having been through myself, I can tell you that the only reason we won custody of our gs was because we followed the instructions of the judge exactly. We let the bios hang themselves by insisting on their rights and disobeying judge's orders. IT may be time for you to be able to adopt but have an attorney who watches court decisions which set precedenc
GMaWilli
Wouldn't it be interesting to see some statistics on what happens to those children who are given to parents by those judges......how their physical & mental health develops (or doesn't) over the years, how they do in school, how they do socially, etc. I do realize that taking children from their parents can turn into a very slippery slope because every situation is different, but I just wish children could grow up in safe, loving, nurturing homes where their needs are being met & where THEY are more important than selfish parents wants & narcisistic desires. Definitely good advise from Daisy.
GMaWilli
Specifically, find an attorney who has done the homework on other similar cases in your state, even in your particular county by your particular judges.
daisydduck
Gma, I have seen reports and they show that the kids just get worse each time bio fails again and kids are returned to kin or placed in foster care. It is pathetic that these judges can sleep at night knowing what they are sending these kids back into. I have been focusing on the issue of getting grandparents legal standing in the courts. I have heard reports where some judges are at least beginning to listen. I spoke to a lawyer who said she prefers to work in suburban courts because they are less political than city courts. I just wish that in all these years I have been fighting for grandparent rights that there was more than just a few listening. I really believe we need to get a large number of grandparents together and get our politicians to listen in order for changes to be made. One problem is that at least one third of the grandparents raising grandchildren are doing so on an informal relationship with no legal agreement or CPS involved. They are afraid to step forward for fear the bios w/remove gc and they will not be able to protect them. I have recently been appointed to the state department on aging advisory board and I'm hoping to make some political connections to help. Keep praying.
dianaconroy
I'd love to see reports on what happens to kids if returned to parents. My husband and I can't wait to file to terminate rights. In the state of California after years of guardianship we can file to terminate. But both of our bios are pretty savy and find ways of getting informed. Apparently bio mom is now being represented by an agency designed to help foster, teenagers on coustody issues. She is neither a foster file or a teenager but she figured out how to qualify. But both my husband and I are confidante that the help is based on lies, they probably don't k ow that the kids have always lived with us, that she is living with an ex convict, that two months ago she had a surprise visit from housing who found a registered sex offender in her room, that by her won admission she set her boyfriends cloth on fire in the bathroom, and that she has a history of molesting starting at age 7. Of course a lot of this isn't documented. But some of it is and lots of witness William g to testify.
daisydduck
Dr. Bruce Perry's book, The Boy Was Raised as a Dog, relates the effects of the trauma on the children. If you google his name, you will find a great deal of information on the subject. In my recent psych classes, I have researched articles on children who are abused, neglected, etc. I wrote several of my papers on grandparents raising grandchildren. I can tell you that the younger the children are when you take them in, the better it is for them. The older they are they have gone through enough to leave baggage. I was talking w/my gs who is now 23 today and he still speaks about the damage done by his bio dad and stepmom. He was 4 to 6 years old with them and that is when the child's personality is developing. During the period we fought for him, we had to take him back to them after each visit. Stepmom always had policy waiting for one reason or another and always created a scene w/gs in the middle. I have some statistics in my book: Born Into Love. I am due to graduate in November and hope to write a new book with updated statistics. My recommendation to to document everything. You can look up criminal reports online to verify what you suspect. With documentation you should be able to take away parental rights.
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