Hi, so sorry about your daughter. I learned a LONG time ago that I could not promise the kids that their parents would do or not do anything; depending upon their ages I have told them that mom has been sick, but is feeling better in the special hospital (rehab) or, when they've known (because they were there when she was arrested) that she is safe in jail where she will get help; they always suspect the worst so you may as well tell them. We want to spare them but we are not running the show so we can't. At the same time, I've always repeated that mom loves them, that she would see them if she could, that she makes mistakes but wants to be a good mom, tell them stories about "before" (drugs) and so forth. I try not to say anything negative, just be matter-of-fact about what she is actually doing right now. Hope this helps, hang in there! and Happy Mother's Day!

We have found that the truth might be hard to hear but it was easier for the children in the long run. Depending on the childrens ages depends on how much you give them. Children undertand that if you do something wrong, you get in trouble and have to make it right.
I do wish you luck and send blessing and prayers your way...

We've always been honest with them, as well -- mainly because we want to continually drive home the fact that drugs are bad and the kids need to avoid them like the plague.

If Pinky is using, we tell them. If she's in jail, we tell them. No sugarcoating when it comes to drug/alcohol use. We do say that she's sick, yada-yada, but when it comes to the consequences of not treating that sickness, we come down on the side of cold, hard facts.

Hi horsepad. I understand the desire to protect them from the awful truth and I used to sugarcoat and lie as well. After reading this site and learning from others experience I tell the truth. Mom couldn't make visit because her car got repo'd and I told them she was not responsible with her money and owner took the car back. They were really good with that explanation. I would have told them the car broke down but I think they know when I'm lieing and then work it around in their little minds that some how they caused mom not to want to visit.

Mom is staying with my sister, away from the husband who abused gd. I'll tell them about that when I'm sure it is a permanent move.

I dont lie, but I try to be as gentle as possible. I answer questions, I dont volunteer information. I let the child take the lead and try to help with their fears. and I never tell them Mommie is calling, coming, doing whatever. It only sets them up for hurt and disappointment and leaves me with more explanations than I need. And I monitor phone conversations and make it clear that she is to make NO promises or comments about seeing them or calling. I have told her if she does, the conversation will be over. Im sick of picking up her pieces and having to sooth the hurts she caused.

Hi Horsepad,

I have always told them the truth. As bad as this might sound, but I don't want my GC getting older and finding out that I have lied, even if it was because I might have been thinking about their feelings. I'll let them know what I need to let them know ( such as Mom won't be with us on Sunday due to being in jail) and as they ask questions I'll keep answering their questions until their belly is full. Of course it's all based on age.

The girls ages are 7 & 9. I worry they may be to young to know the truth. What is a good age? I don't tell them when daughter tells me she is going to see them because of her not showing up. She told girls she would come to recital. I like the idea of not allowing her to say to the girls that she will see them on a certain date/occasion.

We started telling the kids about the drug use when they were in first grade. The DARE program begins in kindergarten, so we figured the kids know about a lot of it anyway...

Horsepad, my gs was just 14 months when his mother (our daughter died). As he grew he began to ask who was his mom. We showed him pictures, told him she loved him very much but God wanted her with Him. We assured him she was watching over him from Heaven. We took him to the cemetery with helium balloons that he let go and "sent them to heaven". We were there a total of five minutes but the actions and words were minimal but enough to satisfy his young mind. As others have mentioned, be gentle but truthful. Explain their mom has made wrong choices and that is why she is in trouble. Assure them she loves them but cannot care for them because of these choices. I might not use the word "jail" but that she is being cared for in a special place for people like her who make the wrong choices. As our gs grew, he began to ask questions and we answered as best we could and as brief as we could, unless he asked for more.