My thoughts and prayers are with you. It isn't easy raising our grandchildren and even harder when they have behavioral issues. Therapy is a great place to start. There could be some underlying issues that you aren't aware of and they can help you with advice on how to handle her. I've had my two granddaughters for almost a year and Brooklynn (almost 3) saw a therapist for the first 6 months. I was worried about her because I couldn't leave the room without her having what I call a panic attack. Then when I tried to correct her in any way she would pull at her face or bite herself. The therapist said it was her coping mechanism. Thank God she is doing good now, but I still struggle. I'm single and taking care of the girls alone wears me out. Knowing what their lives were like before and seeing them happy now keeps me going though. You may be the only person this little girl has.

My granddaughter is 7 and we just finished a year of behavior therapy. Counseling did not work as she would not talk. My best advice from what I learned is to have consequences that are consistent, and try as much as possible to catch her doing good and make sure you remark on it when you do. And many hugs and kisses even when they're the most hateful. I doubt she has any serious mental problems although she may be ADHD like mine. We use a timer for a lot of things...leave Nana alone on phone, go to room, play outside, work on homework before break, etc. I give her the timer to watch and she feels like she is in control, Also get the book 1,2,3 Magic. I start counting now and rarely even get to "2". When we're out I can often even just hold up a finger. And just a year ago she was throwing tantrums everytime I turned around. Good luck, try to find some time for just you...you need a break...and remember how much you really love that little girl.

The girls have been with me now for 8 months. The 10 year old had issue much as you are describing. She was taking all her anger out on her 8 year old sister. Sibling bullying. We have made great strides with her in counseling and keeping a strict schedule. We keep correcting her and letting her know we love her and redirecting her anger.

After working with teachers and counselors it has been decided she does not have ADHD she has attachment disorder. A number of kids that have been taken from their parents display ADHD symptoms but are really just acting out for attention.

It is hard. I hope you have a break through soon. Ours was almost an over night change with set backs once in a while. It is scary when a kid seems to be trying to kill a sibling

Big hugs to you kslady43!! I know exactly how you feel. I have had my gs for just over 2 years now and some days are still a struggle. I actually hate when I have a weekend off work because I know I will be home with him for 2 days straight.
In some ways things are better than they were. When I first got him I couldn't let him out of my sight or he would destroy something or hurt anyone within reach. Even when I was there, I was constantly having to physically restrain him (wrap my arms and legs around him) until he could calm down sometimes. I was covered head to toe in bruises and scrapes. When he slept he would literally be on top of me, if I tried to wiggle out after he fell asleep he would scream like someone was hurting him.
I had to cut my hours at work, my son moved into his dad's house and rarely came to see me, my friends stopped calling and visiting, my boyfriend took off, I was totally alone with no help and very little money. His other grandmother would watch him only 2 days a week, and my ex husband only 1 day a week. Which barely covered the 3 days I worked. Other than that I was on my own.
Things are a little better now. He sleeps on the couch because he still afraid to fall asleep alone, and he acts out at home (read my journal for more info) but it's better than it used to be. He will be going to Kindergarten this year and his mother has been in and out of our lives lately, so all that is causing him some stress so we have had a few tantrums this summer.
I love him, altho honestly there are days I don't really like him much. Its hard to admit that, but its true.
I'm not sure it helps much, but you are definitely not alone in your feelings. (((Hugs)))

With our three, it was the opposite. They never acted out, never cried for their mother, etc.

However, our eldest pursues women who are the same coloring and body type as Pinky, gets them to love her, then pushes them away by becoming overly clingy. It's a habit, and I think it's a way to test people to see if they'll abandon her, too. She's been working through that in counseling, but a younger child may not be able to do that.

You could try going in the opposite direction and hugging her, telling her you love her and won't leave her, etc. It may or may not reinforce the bad behavior, but maybe she is pushing you to see if you'll do what her bios did. I know you don't feel like loving her when she's like that, but it can't hurt to try...

If that doesn't work there may be more serious issues.

A Pastor gave a sermon decades ago that SO stuck in my head .... " when a person is at their worst and seemingly at their MOST undeserving of love and compassion, is WHEN they NEED it the MOST ". This is a difficult bit of info that is hard to recall when you are at your wits end. I think it especially applies to our special kids. They've been damaged through no fault of their own. I'm presently reading a book by Bruce D Perry, M.D., Ph. D, titled The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. My gd's play therapist suggested it to me. It is quite eye opening regarding the damage done to the developing brain and the resulting learning and behavioral issues. Often, these children's "issues" are misdiagnosed and children do not receive the appropriate treatment and are approached in further damaging ways. re: reply # 3 - it seems there are many kids being treated for ADD and ADHD, ODD, etc, who in reality have ATTACHMENT DISORDERS.

Thank you everyone for the hugs and support. It means a lot!

This weekend has been interesting so far. My husband usually gets home on Friday sometime but this weekend it was early Sat. He leaves out on Monday. I start back to work on Monday with the school district by attending Inservice all day. School starts here Aug 14.

We attended the "birthday party" of a step grandson this afternoon. It was wild with 6 kids under the age of 10 present...but especially the ones under the age of 8!

We tried to limit the sugar intake to a point but still allowed her to participate with all the other kids. The "birthday boy" is a step cousin to her that she only gets to see in the summer months as he lives with his mom in CA the rest of the year.

Between papa getting home this morning, the party, friends,etc....needless to say she was pretty wound. She did do pretty good until we headed home and out came the "boss" once more. It drives papa crazy about as bad as it does me so the evening was not as good as it could have been.

I like the idea that maybe "attachment disorder". She continually asks me why her mother does or does not do this or that? Sometimes I have no real answer for her; other times I say because your mother made bad choices.

I know when I bring up dropping her off, she straightens up real fast! She does NOT want to leave us in any way shape or form. So maybe that is something I can try to work with in a positive form or some kind. I have tried giving her verbal praise or hugs when she does good but that has usually ended up backfiring on me with her going the opposite way as fast as possible.

She and her toddler cousin are going on Sunday - Wed to my daughters about an hour way. My daughter works part time plus her fiance is off this week as he gets ready to take his son home to his mother. This covers me while I am at in service on Monday plus gives me a break on Tuesday. Wed I am going down to help my daughter for part of the day. School then starts up on Thursday so hopefully, it will be a better week.

Sometimes just hearing that other people are dealing with the same thing helps, if that makes sense??? I know my age and health plays a part in my lack of patience with her at times also. I should have been empty nesting by now and that isn't going to happen!

Hopefully after our short break apart, we can try again. I will try to do the hugs/praise more often and see if that helps. I don't like to spank her but when everything else has failed, it at least gets her attention.

Maybe when she's acting out you could ask her "are you feeling sad/scared/angry? I'm here for you" when you hug her. That could make it clear that you aren't rewarding bad behavior, but that you're acknowledging her confused emotions.

Sometimes it's the exact opposite of what we think we should do that works. When our eldest was using her electronic devices to visit suicide/cutting chats, bad friends, etc. we took them all away. The counselor and our granddaughter said that they were her lifeline. After we discussed the fact that she wasn't being punished (we were terrified that she was getting deeper into dark places), we gave her some of the devices back. I didn't want to do it, but both counselors said it was a good idea. And our eldest had a breakthrough - she now realizes that we're there for her no matter what and that we were motivated by caring, not punishment.

Well, she got rid of her "dark" Facebook page and suddenly she's communicating with more happy friends. She's been to the beach, a concert and a baseball game, thanks to her making better choices on her own.

Again, at almost 15 she's able to do that. But it's a long way of saying that sometimes the one thing we don't want to do is the very thing that can help them understand that we love them unconditionally - something their own bios don't seem to have done.

I would seek family therapy.cps should help with this. It appears your gd is screaming out for help. You cannot treat attachment disorder on your own. You both proferrional help to get through this.

Could I add one more thought? Would your husband be open to seeing a family counselor? There you could discuss ways to help each other (and your grandchild) to cope, make a plan you all can live with concerning discipline, and maybe have someone else say, "your wife needs more support from you, is there some way you can arrange to be home more?"

Some of you may be dealing with emotional abuse and counseling and nurturing may heal your grandchildren but it sounds like some of you are dealing with more serious problems that will not be solved that easily. If you grandchildren were born with crack cocaine, fetal alcohol syndrome, or other drug abuse you may be dealing with brain damage. I'm so sorry to have to bring this painful subject up but the children need to be diagnosed and treated by professionals or think vs will just get worse. If money is an issue call your state mental health department and see if they can help. I know you love your grandchildren but you cannot perform miracles. I wish you each the best.

Just a quick update......I had in service today at school. It was wonderful as it gave me a chance to talk to the new principal as well as the counselor and school psychologist. After explaining, my concerns, they all see to be on board about getting her tested. The school psychologist suggested testing her for achievement, IQ, and social/emotional. So right now, I have to wait until school gets rolling, she has a chance to get settled into her new class and for the paperwork to get started. I know it will probably take 4-8 weeks but at least they know where I stand and seem to be supportive of my suggestion.

I also had a talk with her teacher to let her know what has been going on this summer, about the counseling, wanting to do the testing,etc. Sot he teacher is fully aware of things now as well.

Yes.....we are scared that there is more to it then just the jealousy issues,etc that we can see. We know her birth mother smoked cigarettes and drank beer during the pregnancy. There was some physical abuse between the bios as well. We don't know but suspect that other drugs might have been involved. Mother did not get any prenatal visits or care until about late in her 4/5th month of pregnancy. So we know there is a good chance we are dealing with a bigger picture.

Given everything, this is why I am pushing so hard to get the ball rolling here shortly. We can't deal with what we don't know.

My husband would love to be able to be home more but right now we need the money to live on that he is making. He was off work a year ago for about 6 weeks before he landed a job that barely paid him anything by the time you figured in the cost for all the gas to go to and from work. He worked there about 6 months until he was able to get this job. So right now, we are trying to play catch up on some of our bills from the past year.

I appreciate all of your ideas, suggestions,etc. It is nice to know that I am doing a few things right and can try a few new things in the mean time to see if it helps.

Maybe I misunderstood. But I think you said you tell your granddaughter, "your dropping her off" somewhere if she mis behaves? This could very well be the issue. She's afraid of losing you and is acting out. You should try reassuring her that you love her and she's there to stay.

Diana, you are right on. My oldest GD can be trying at times, like last night at 11:00 when she woke me up tormenting her sister. I admit I lost it and told her she is making my life a living hell at the MOMENT. At those moments when I totally lose it I always tell her I do not like you right now, I will always love you and I want you here, but I do not like your actions and at the MOMENT I do not like you. She gets it, she looks at me and says I know, I love you too Grammy. She wants hugs and loves but I tell her not now, you have made me so mad I need to cool off and stay away from you until I do, your bad actions are not going to get you hugs. You want hugs you stop tormenting your sister.

This seems to be working for me since she very seldom continues the current action, the really bad times are further and further apart and of shorter duration, we can go weeks even over a month now with no tormenting.

Then she says something like, I can not go to sleep unless I can smell you, like on your sheets or on your pillow or something, it makes me feel you are close to me grammy. OH boy little things like that make you know there is a lot more going on in her head.

dianaconroy and grammy 22......I know what I told her was not right but you know it has sunk in that she is doing something wrong at least if I am that upset with her.

Papa and I have both told her over and over that we "love her" but do not like "the way she acts". That has been a standing response and action we have always done....but it wasn't until I told her about the "dropping her off" that she seemed to really take things to heart. It is like she finally knows she has crossed a line with me/us.

I went last night and took her to her tumbling class and we ate out also. She had a good time and just chatted away like she didn't have a care in the world. When we got back to my daughter's I stayed and visited for awhile. When I got ready to leave I gave her a hug & a kiss and told her I would see her on Wed. She was he usual happy self. We even had talked about the "bad things" that had happened in the last 48 hrs without getting into a debate or screaming match.

Having this time apart is helping me at least to cool down and regroup for the next long haul with her. Time apart does us both some good.