I agree with everything you say, Sara. I know drugs are a big problem, as is premarital "fun".

I also agree that we cannot control their lives. They are responsible for the choices they make.

I feel that as parents (or gps :) ) we can help a lot by being that "line of communication" and by showing them unconditional love. Honestly, I think that's where I failed the first time around with ds. I loved my kids - they all knew that - but I don't think they thought they could come to me and talk to me (they could have, and usually when they did they were pleasantly surprised), but they didn't FEEL like they could. I plan on doing it differently this time. GS and I already spend daily time together, whether it is baking, or reading books, or taking a walk on a nice day, or dancing to music. I have found he is much better behaved when I keep this up on a regular basis.

There ARE drugs, alcohol and other things being offered from a very young age everywhere a kid turns. That is why it is SO important for them to have a person who they KNOW they can turn to without being judged. Who better than a grandparent?? :)

I must thank every one of you kind and thoughtful people who have taken the time to respond to a total stranger about a "faraway" issue. My wife...who has always been the "soother"...the nurturer..(something I have never been very good at) tries to talk to her. like the idea someone suggesterd of one on one trips ..maybe for a hamburger or a slice of pizza. I also understand (better than I did) that a child..about 12 and a half years old... is sort of betwixt and between.. And I DO know she has felt she is not good enough (etc etc). Her very own parents have not helped her in that regard..seems like her younger sister can do no wrong (mind you that is NOT the case) and the elder child can do no right.
Thank you again....I treasure each one of you who have taken the time to care.....

Also oxfordns google her name and youll find out what accounts she's on;I had to do that for my step-daughter after this incident!just because she's 12 dont let that fool u eitherI chringe at the thought how long this daughter was on my space and fb my son finally told us hey jo is getting on the computer after yall go to bed;that was before we put a locked code on the computer in the living room!quess where it is right by our bedroom DOOR!and she was getting on here;Yeap,Beware;the internet can be a wonderful thing in the right hands!

I just realized Im talking to a man;anyway if she's 12 what if she just got her period?thats when most girls get it or altleast some girls do;could explain some things;she might be getting depressed;my step-d didnt want to except the fact that she's not a little girl anymore and would work her dad so he would treat her so;I had to step in and say Ive had about enough of this stop manipulating ur father and grow up!she woulnd tell me when she needed pads and would use toilet paper cause she didnt want anyone to know she was on her period;believe me we knew!

Every comment and suggestion I have received here is valid and I am thankful. My wife says she has already considered taking he girls out individually for a hamburger (or something like that) and just letting them talk. It must be hard to be a kid in today's society (particularly from a broken home). She came in here about a half hour ago and has been playing the piano...rattling off "We THree Kings" like nobody's business. She must feel better about whatever was bothering her. Now my wife and my other daughter just took her out to check out the official opening of a new "super" drugstore in town. (Of course drugstores are not just drugstores anymore..this one has everything under the sun.
Again.....I intend to read and re-read all the comments. Please keep my grandkids in your thoughts???????
thanks to everyone...e

Taking the kids out is great....but the idea I wanted to stress is that it be a regularly scheduled thing (like once a week) that absolutely NOTHING interrupts. Something that says "you are THE most important thing in my life and this time together is as important to ME as it is to YOU, because you mean the WORLD to me!" :) We don't take phone calls, we don't let emergencies at work "happen", we don't postpone.

At four I have it a lot easier - our "together time" consists of reading books before bed for 20 mins. It is really hard when they get older, but I think it is also sooooo much more important! Just think about it and pray about it. You will pull through this. We can see you truly care. God bless you!

We all try to tell them what is wrong and teach them but to be realistic, teens by nature are going to try first, think later. I believe what has saved us through raising our gs is the strong bond we have with him. Has he tried things, yes. Has he done stupid things, yes. However, he as always come back to us and told us how stupid he was. We allowed him those mistakes because that is how he has grown to accept life with all of the baggage he was left with. He is a good kid, polite and respectful. He was getting on the train a few weeks ago and an old man with a walker refused the help of the conductor, proudly stating he could "handle it", but he couldn't. The conductor walked away and my gs was behind the man as he attempted to climb the stairs with the walker and obviously could not. My gs stepped up and said "here, let me help me you". They got up the stairs and the man turned and said: "thank you. I thought I could do it". My gs said: "don't worry about it...glad I could help. My dad has been disabled all of my life and I help him". They then each went their own way. My gs mentioned the incident the following day and expressed his frustration that people don't help each other. He started helping my husband when he was just about 1 and a half years old. He toddled in and saw my husband fastening the velcro closure on his leg brace and said: "I help Bobby". (He was talking in simple sentences at 1. He is very protective of us. My granddaughters look up to him and he and they are now 8 and 11. He warns them they better not try anything or he will be there to straighten them out. He knows that as they reach their teen years they will want to try things but he is confident they will call him for help. I think one of the biggest lessons for we grans as we took in our gc was to accept the world they are growing up in and learn to understand the damages abuse, neglect, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc etc. As he has grown up, there have been times when he closed up on me and I asked him what was going on. Of course, he said "nothing". If I felt strongly that something was, I w/say: "well I think something is and I want to know". "Why?" he would say. "Because I love you and care about you" I would say. He didn't always open up on the first try and eventually came to me with his problem. I fight for grandparents rights but I gotta tell you that my heart is with the kids. I grew up myself while raising my three kids and now my gs has had to put up w/me learning all over again how to be a parent.

Sorry to go on for so long but I wanted to add something here because I think it is somewhat pertinent. My gs always brought kids home to tell me they had a problem at home or school and his conviction was: "well my mom can fix anything". (we adopted him at 8 and I have been "mom" ever since) As he has gotten older and had girlfriends he w/bring them to me wanting me to know who he was going out with. Well, he's been seeing this girl on and off for most of the summer and about three weeks ago, brought her home and asked if she could stay the night. It's not the first time but we were usually able to get the person a ride home, or another place to stay. As Sarah Palen said on her show: "no boys upstairs" I habr always said: "no girls in the bedroom". He told me: "I know your rule Mom and I'll sleep on the sofa but if she can't stay here she w/be on the street. Her mother is bipolar and refuses to take her meds has thrown her brother and two sisters out also. Her dad is a cop but has moved out and has his own place. Her brother and two sisters have been taken in by others. She called her sisters, her mom, her dad and friends. She finally found a friend to take her in and even helped find her a job and loaned her money to go to a thrift store and get some clothes. She called home to arrange to come and pick her things up only to be told her hated her and threw her things out in the trash, including her laptop. I am furious with the parents. The mother posted pictures of the entire family together on Thanksgiving Day, minus her. She has been back here and spent Thanksgiving with us. I have set firm lines that I cannot take on her problems but I have helped her to find the places to go for help and she had a roof over her head and food in her stomach while she stayed here for two weeks, but I want to slap the parents upside the head! She's 18 and they are done with her. I don't know her well but I know she is respectful and kind. She is just a simple, nice girl who now has had to drop out of her college classes because of all this. Why do parents think that throwing the kid out is going to teach them how to survive? It puts them on the street to survive where druggies are just waiting to get them addicted. They don't have food, money or clothes. My god her father is a cop and he won't even help his own daughter to keep her off the stree! I speak of us as grans giving unconditional love, but what about parental responsibility for the child you gave birth to????

My husband and I have two miracle daughters 13 & 11 yrs old we are 55 & 56 yrs old. They both have FB accounts however; I supervise everything and don't allow them to use their photo of themselves.

I also have a parental setup that doesnt allow them to go to any sites that is not age appropriate. I can track them and set time limits of when they can go online.

They know that I can see everything...

They too are all into socializing and to a point this is ok. However; like everyone says it has to be supervised by an adult. I see their friends online and their parents don't supervise them and they are out of control.

Keep pushing them to master a skill they will be grateful later.

Judi

Last evening my wife sat down with our grand daughter..who at nearly 12 and a half is growing up but still is a "little girl" as well. What they did was "remake Barbie"..a gameof some kind I guess...but the game wasn;t important...the time they spent together was. Our grand child (M) was not feeling well so she flaked out on our bed and watched TV fdor most of the evening...until her gather and younger sister came to pick her up. They had been at a Santa Claus parade and my says she could tell he was upset (as he usually is at M...for no reason..usually) because she she didn't want to go to the parade. My wife says it seemed obvious he dfidn't beelieve M had a fever and a sore throat. In a stroke of poetic justicfe..TODAY he has a sore throat. And, no. I am not feeling very sorry for him. It has been a strange journey from the day he married our daughter 17 years ago. I was on record telling all who would listen what a great guy he was. Had us fooled, let me tell you. But that's another story..........thank you ALL again for your kindness and valuable advice and thoughts.

I think a very real part for children and teens growing up today is that they are very mature in several ways but very immature in others. So much is thrown at them, like "social networking" and while they think they know what they are doing, they do not understand the risks. Throw in parents who don't know how to parent and you have an explosive mixture. Wish you well.

Life is much different than it was in my day...to be sure.

I have another comment to add. Are any of you familiar with the nintendo DS game? My GD wants it and I looked it up on the net. Found out if you have wifi I think its called that also takes you on line. How many parents are aware of that?

And thanks for your comments. It does help to talk about it.

Our kids have the DSi, and as far as I can tell, it isn't really "online" -- they can download a game and play together. There are also parental controls you can put on with a PIN. I've done it, and it drives me crazy because every time they want to play a game together I have to enter the PIN :-)

But I can't see that they can actually visit websites or anything. Gosh, I would get a DSi for every kid in the world. This is AWFUL, but they can stay quite for hours at a time with their games - Mario Brothers is so challenging they've been at it for weeks.

Plus it's a great threat -- if they don't do this or that you'll take it away. Works like a charm! LOL!

my gd's have the ds and want the dsi. I've seen no harm but from experience, know that you really have to watch it. unfortunately too many parents always think it happens to "someone else". I bought a game for gs online that designed race cars....seemed harmless enough until I found them solicity porn! dropped that one real quick and called police who told me that by the time they find the people behind it they have already closed that site and opened another. There is no easy answer. My gd's also want the DJ Hero game and I saw some ads on tv that looked awfully provocative for tweens. Need to ask dd if she is aware of this.