She is to young to be on face book without supervision. I pray an responsible adult is looking out for her. Otherwise it is a dangerous place for her to be.

I know..I don't trust Facebook either.....its hard on US....her parents seem to think its Ok for her to spend a lot of time there.......
Iseems like all she is intedrested in these days. Trying to get her to practice her piano is a battle; she seems more interested in socializing on the ice than working during her figure skating lessons.............and (as you know) we are just grandparents...all we get to do is pay for things and to worry!!!!!

Are you raising this gd, oxford, and asking us for help? Or just asking us for your prayer as a concerned grandfather?

Not "raising" the child and her sister BUT respsonsible it seems for a lot.
The kids are here aqfter swchool and we have paidf for many extra curricular activities and take them here and there tro activities. Both parents seem to be so tied up with their own lives.........you know what I mean..The piano is at our house......we pay for lessons...WE have to try asnd get herto practioce and on and on
We love the kid to death but its hard..

Some of that is normal. I remember as I entered puberty I lost interest in a lot of things, including piano practice :-)

I think the thing to watch out for is depression. As much as I wanted to socialize more than do schoolwork, etc., I wasn't depressed, didn't hide in my room, etc.

And, of course, we didn't have Facebook. My eldest granddaughter is on it because her cousins are. But I constantly monitor her posts, her friend lists, etc. to make sure she's only interacting with "approved" people.

Hey I know yall have concerns about FB but let me tell ya something usually if they have fb account they have myspace account also!dont let them fool you they may tell you their on fb when really they might be on myspace;we founf this out the hard way;my step-daughter did it;had myspace account,lied about her age went on there friended guys that where older than her of course and also was talking to friends from school that were doing the same things;but this is the kicker she was caught at her aunys house with a laptop under the covers on myspace till 5;00 in the morning talking to this boy from school that she likes and they werent talking about school honey!we had to go to this boys house tell his mom and grandma,go to the school let them know that these two were planning on getting together in the bathroom monday at school.we changed her classes that she had with this boy and asked the school to please watch out for these two so they cant get together!anyway I was shicked to say the least what my step-daughter was telling this boy what she would do to him;DONT BE FOOLED;my husband thought his sweet little girl would never do anything like this,I warned him;btw she's sixteen but had this account for awhile before we found out cause we have our computer locked so the kids just cant get on here,even then I would still watch,its in the living room also!the computer that is.just saying,never say never not my child not my teen;oh yes!

Ultimately, I believe it's the character developed in the child that will save them. My mom drilled certain things into me that I knew would be downright dangerous to violate. Yeah, I went right up to the line at times, but I knew I should never, ever, step over it.

Hopefully we will be able to instill the same instinct for self-preservation in our grandchildren, so that even if they do sneak in a MySpace account they know what they can and cannot share.

I hope....

Thank you to all you kind people who tok the time to respond. I suppose its not unusual for a child going on 13 to push the envelope a bit....its just hard to watcdh her seem to lose interest in things like piano and skating.
We try (when they are here) to j kep an eye on what they are doing on the computer)... they are like millions (I suppose) of kids..one week with their mother, one week with their father...after school and much of summer vacations with us). I think thats very tough on kids. I was raised by my grandmother who wasd "old school"...tough but fair and if I learned anything those years so long ago it was respect...something that seems to be lacking everywhere today...........please excuse my terrible typing........and thank you again for your comments
I truly do appreciate them,I

The kids are clever today and many parents do not realize how much their kids are getting into. Even if they can't access FB at home, they'll do it at a friend's house. Unfortunately in today's world, 12 year olds are in fact doing a lot more than we want to realize. I do want to express concern over her loss of interest in things that were important before. This could mean there is drug use, sorry to say. There is probably a lot more than FB going on in her life which you, nor parents know about. I don't think you can do it, but I w/recommend the parents get some in-home drug tests, or take her to doctor and have a test done. Kids today do not look at smoking pot as using drugs as "everybody does it". Her mother needs to get involved and work on communication with her daughter. You might want to google some stuff on pot use in teens and preteens, signs of use, etc. They are growing up in a world not only different from our generation but even from their parents generation. If she is using pot, waiting too long could lead to stronger drugs. Don't want to scare you, but this is a tough world today and we have little control over them. The DARE program that our kids went through was a failure.

She has been picking fights with her grandmother (who has done more for her than any human should).....She DID say to her grandmother that she has "had a bad week"....I can't help but wonder what that means since this week she and her sister have been at their father's. The youngest girl seems to be able to do or say anything while the older child is always in some kind of trouble with him. I am so discouraged..we have thre grandkids and do not in any way play favorities. Having said that..the 12 year old was obviously our first and she has always been special in a sense because of that. Her grandmother is broken hearted and so am I, truth be told. We have had such great hopes for these kids; we have done everything we have been able to do for them. We sacrifice and so without (fixedf incomes are not so great)_ but thats OK...its not about us its about our grandkids. If we only could take care of whatever it is that is causing her to be as she has been. I know its not easy living wityh mother one week, father another and neither of them seem to really have enough time to be parents (if you follow me). It al makes me so sad..........I have lung problems...my wife almost died on the bathroom floor in September after passing out because of heart issues caused by VERY low potassium level. we try and try. And we are worried sick.......
thank you kind people for caring.......

No matter how hard we try, or how much we sacrifice, or how much we give, we cannot control their lives. What we can do is to be there for them. I have posted before about my new book: Born Into Love, the unconditional love of grandparents raising grandchildren. I interviewed many grandparents and heard many stories of what they gave up for their grandchildren. Your grandaughters need you to give them that unconditional love without expectations and without judgement. With other parts of their life in turmoil, they need to know they can come to you. I know it hurts to think they are hurting themselves, but remember that they cannot stand tall until they have fallen down and learned how to get up. I'm sorry to hear of you and your wife's health issues. That does not make things easier, does it? We cannot control the many influences in their lives but we can let them know we are here if they ever need us, with no questions asked.

Sometimes I find it helps if I take a walk with a grandchild I suspect needs to talk.

I try very hard not to ask leading questions (like "are you upset because of your mom?") but rather to ask them "if I ask why you're quiet, what's the first thing that comes to your mind?" That sort of thing. Sometimes they are SO upset because they got a B instead of an A in a test. Other times they do bring up relationship issues. You never know what's in their minds...

Getting them away from the house and family sometimes seems to help them open up. Even at 12 they aren't quite used to expressing their feelings in words. Maybe ask her to draw her feelings?

I can't address the skating, but I sure can identify with the piano lessons!

I showed some aptitude when I was young, and my parents, at great expense, went out and got me a new piano and classical music lessons. After a while, when I didn't turn into a concert virtuoso, I got bored with the constant scales and repetitious practice. My mom made me stay with it, and I'm glad to this day. But I was never destined to be a concert pianist; otherwise nothing could have kept me away from that keyboard.

Some of that could be happening with your granddaughter. There comes a point where you feel too good to keep doing scales, yet you're not good enough to really enjoy playing. It's like hitting a wall. You have to get through it to the other side, then playing can become enjoyable again.

As long as she isn't exhibiting signs of depression, withdrawal from the family, etc., I would look at most of it as normal pre-adolescent crap that they go through :-) But as Daisy said, it's SO important that you're available -- and that she knows it -- to help guide her through this unfamiliar territory of growing up.

Hi oxford, and thanks for being so open with us. The only reason I asked about your situation with granddaughter is because it changes how/what you are able to do.

As I read all of the posts and responses, I think you've gotten some great thoughts. And I certainly will be in prayer for you and gd.

One thing that came into my mind is that the pre-teen years are so hard, and with your gd's family problems (mom and dad), they are even worse. The one thing that I think would be a major help to her is if you and/or gma could find time every week to spend alone with her. Just one on one time. A pre-teen needs to feel valued and loved more than anything. It is a time of feeling so unsure of yourself. A time when all of your peers seem "better" than you. A time when nothing you do seems right. You're clumsy, you can't remember anything, your body is changing but not good enough or fast enough, your hair isn't pretty enough, you can't wear make-up but you think you need to in order to look pretty - in other words - nothing seems "right" any more. If you and gma could each spend a half hour or hour a week alone with her doing something she enjoys - taking a walk, going to McD's, whatever - but preferably somewhere that you can talk IF she wants to, it would keep her feeling secure in an insecure world. She also would know that her "special" time is a time when she can discuss anything at all with you.

I'd also try very hard to find her positive points and dwell on them, almost ignoring the negative. A pre-teen sees so much negative about themselves that they reach the point where they wonder if anything will ever be positive again. Even if it appears that she doesn't listen or hear you, keep accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative, to coin some song lyrics. :) She'll come around.

God bless you for being there for her! We can only hope that some day they will understand and appreciate what we have done, but even if they don't, we know we did what we had to do for them! :) Thank the Lord you are there for her!

Gosh, Granny, did you hit the nail on the head! I can still remember those feelings of being awkward, yet wanting SO much to look like a fashion model (it was Twiggy back then LOL).

The biggest difference today is that "there's a pill for that," and many pre-teens want so desperately to fit in that they might be tempted to try drugs in order to "feel better" about themselves.

We've had honest talks about drugs with the grandchildren. We've told them that the first pill, drink, etc. might make them feel good, but that ultimately drugs are a satanic lie. That after a while you need more in order to feel good, and you keep needing more until you get to the point where you feel more miserable than you did in the first place. We also tell them that, just like with the piano lessons, they'll hit a wall and need to get through it to the other side -- and we'll be here to help.

We also demonstrate it by working through our own physical pain (which, at our ages, is always ready to be shown off LOL) without running to the medicine cabinet. If we're feeling down we admit it, and show the kids how to work through it without "help."

Daisy is also correct that the DARE program is useless. They playact with someone telling the kid "here, let's do some drugs!" When in fact that isn't the way it happens at all. It's much more subtle, and DARE doesn't prepare the children for that kind of luring. So it's up to us to keep those lines of communication open and honest.