Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

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Advice?

Kat51
Kat51
Tyler is a senior in high school and had a serious girlfriend for the first time. He is head over heels in love with her and had visions of getting married after college. They are going to different universities but in the same city about half an hour away from each other.

She, apparently, does not return his feelings and broke up with him. She told him there's no point in a serious relationship when they are both going off to college in four months. We adults all know that it's likely it would have happened eventually anyway and I respect her for being honest with him, but he is so heartbroken and depressed. It's also stirred up his feelings of abandonment by his parents, so his emotions are all mixed together.

I feel his pain and want so much to help him. All I can tell him is that it will get better eventually and I know he has to grieve for his lost love. But does anyone have any advice? Anyone else gone through this?
SaraBT
SaraBT
Gosh, Kat, I can remember those feelings from when I thought this was The One back in high school and college! I suppose there's nothing better than honesty - sharing your own heartbreaks and reminding him that even though his bios abandoned him he still grew up with loving parents.

What makes it so hard is that at that age you really do believe it's your last chance at happiness - and I guess especially so when earlier experiences are included. And logic just doesn't cut it -- it's the End Of The World and that's all there is to it.

What did help me was to keep a journal of my feelings whenever I was heartbroken by the latest One. I read them now and I laugh myself silly -- but getting those feelings out on paper must've helped at the time. I feel so bad for him. Maybe just let him talk and talk and talk it out...
Kat51
Kat51
Thanks, Sara. I've told him about other heartbreaks but as we all know, we never think anyone else's was the same as our own. His uncle came over and took him to lunch - he's looking better after their talk. I know it will take time but it's agonizing watching him in so much pain. At least he is talking about it and not hiding his feelings.
SaraBT
SaraBT
It is good that he's talking -- I'd worry more if he didn't...

In my experience it took at good four to six months to start "living" again, especially when the relationship appeared to be going somewhere important. It was almost like a death at that age, with all of the same stages - shock, anger, sadness, grieving, etc. I suppose a divorce must feel the same way when we're older, but fortunately I haven't gone through that and hope I never will :-0
Kat51
Kat51
It's much better then that it happened now while he is still at home with his family and friends to help him through it. I can't imagine how hard it would have been if it happened just as he was leaving for college and would be all alone in a strange city with no one to talk to.
NannaKMS
NannaKMS
Your doing a wonderful job, my parents didn't even talk to me about any of my break ups or even acknowledge my feelings of hurt and loss. My son is around the same age as your grandson and he broke up with his first real girlfriend a couple years ago, it was aweful to see him like that and know i couldn't take his pain away. He has a girlfriend now that hes been with for a year and shes really nice, i can see how his experience with the first girlfriend helped him to know what he wanted in a new girlfriend, and this new one is so much better suited for him. So it really is a learning experience. Good luck, i hope he gets over this quickly.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
daisydduck
daisydduck
My gs is 22 and attachment issues remain a problem though he has conquered so much. While this is typical of teen love, it is worse for grans who have been abandoned by bio parents. They missed out on the security of parental love and even though we give them all we can, they know something is missing. Unfortunately, they tend to blame themselves and that is what I w/be concerned about. I w/try and encourage him to see a counselor to discuss the breakup and perhaps they can help him work through the attachment issues. I don't know if you have ever learned about Attachment Disorder but many of our gc suffer from it because of the adults in their lives leaving them. They do tend to blame themselves and feel they are responsible for the person leaving. Hope this helps.
Kat51
Kat51
Thanks, DaisyDuck. I'll try to convince him to see a couselor. I suggested it but he said he did not want to go. He has been talking with the priest at school and he has tried very hard to help him.

Finding a competent counselor here will be very difficult if he does agree to go. We tried several with his mother, and DH was seeing a couple when he was depressed after his mother died. To be honest, they were all worthless.

DH's 'counselor' had him on 5 types of meds! I went with him to one session, he walked in and the counselor asked how are you doing, he said he's having problems sleeping, so he added another med! That was it. DH kept feeling worse and worse, and finally I convinced him to wean off all those meds and stop going to the counselor, and he was fine after that.

The 'diagonsis' of the counselor we took Tyler's mother to was that she is 'boderline retarded' - he actually said that IN FRONT OF HER! Despite the fact that she was a solid B student and had consistently read 2 grade levels above her current grade her entire time in school. Never once did he give any thought to the possibility that she had ADHD and was having problems with concentration. Nor did he figure out that she is bi-polar.

Can you tell I have little faith in counselors? There are probably some good ones someplace, but I do not know of one single person in my area who has ever gotten help from a counselor or pshychiatrist, and I don't really know how to find a good one. Any ideas? How do you find a GOOD counselor?