Gay Parenting Support Group
Gay parenting has been an important issue over the past few years. Over 34% of lesbian mothers have at least one child residing in their home and 22% of gay men have at least one child living with them. Together there are 6 to 10 million gay parents that are caring for between 6 and 14 million children.
Okay... so I don't even expect an answer or comment about this. I just have to vent. My son is fourteen, and he and I go the therapy together every once in a while. In the beginning it was because I came out. I think I have a pretty healthy attitude about the whole thing, my problem was my son's reaction. So time goes by and he's okay with it. In fact, I don't think he really give a damn about that anymore. What a relief.
In thereapy my son slowly revealed he and his mother had gotten physical, and he showed a small scar. My exwife always had a tendancy to be physical when she was frustrated. My son also said that his mother had told him I had been molested when I was a kid (the reason she thinks I'm gay), told him about my drug use (years before she and I were ever even married), and went into all the details about what my partner and I do together sexually.
After speaking with the therapist alone, he said it would be a good idea to confront her (not easy, because she's never wrong).
After telling her all this stuff, she says I'm obviously going though "something" right now and says, in her most patronizing voice "What's wrong with you? (me)". My son is blaming me for bringing up stuff he said in therapy, and after his mother confronts him about the physical stuff, my son again blames me for making something out of nothing.
How in the world did I end up being the bad guy in all of this?!
I guess it's just one of those days.
In thereapy my son slowly revealed he and his mother had gotten physical, and he showed a small scar. My exwife always had a tendancy to be physical when she was frustrated. My son also said that his mother had told him I had been molested when I was a kid (the reason she thinks I'm gay), told him about my drug use (years before she and I were ever even married), and went into all the details about what my partner and I do together sexually.
After speaking with the therapist alone, he said it would be a good idea to confront her (not easy, because she's never wrong).
After telling her all this stuff, she says I'm obviously going though "something" right now and says, in her most patronizing voice "What's wrong with you? (me)". My son is blaming me for bringing up stuff he said in therapy, and after his mother confronts him about the physical stuff, my son again blames me for making something out of nothing.
How in the world did I end up being the bad guy in all of this?!
I guess it's just one of those days.
As for what you do with your partner...tell her that she's not helping her son, forget about you. You already know what you do. But then again...she's trying it for shock value. There is nothing wrong about what you do in the bedroom. It just seems shocking to a 14 year old, and because homosexual acts are considered "wrong" by prevailing society.
You are not going to get anywhere with this woman. I suggest having minimal contact. You need to move and and move ahead. Since your son is currently okay with you...then just focus on father son stuff, and leave out your sexuality. Let's face it...heterosexuals don't dwell on it in their relationships either.
Express to your son that if at any time he feel unsafe, or scared, that he has a place to go to. He may have been telling you as a shared confidence. Giving that option to go to you with stuff he couldn't share with anyone else.
All is not at an end. Keep the drama out of things. When your son tells you stuff...ask him how he feels about it before over-reacting. Likely he might surprise you. He's old enough that he knows how to take care of himself. He's also old enough to make decisions regarding you and his mother. Don't pounce. Check it out with him first.
Good luck!
I was so upset at the time I wrote the post, and there was so much info to write, I left out a lot of details. In reality, I was just venting.
I didn't confront her in front of my son (which I didn't make clear). I actually sent him outside to wait for me to take him to my home while I confronted my ex alone.
Needless to say,my ex-wife didn't like what my son revealed about her in therapy. I originally told myself, that I would not get into a debate with her, I would simply deliver the news.
After she denied doing anything wrong, she blamed my son for saying anything, and blamed me for believing him.
She then went outside where my son was waiting for me, and confronted him. That's when I finally lost it, and started yelling.
I know I was wrong to explode, but I just couldn't stand her denials anymore.
Just an update:
His therapist contacted Social Services, and an investigation has been started. The whole thing will probably end up with my ex-wife continuing to deny everything. But she will have some light on her, so it will probably effect the way she deals with our son. So that's a positive.
I'm actually sorry I posted anything in the first place, but I was looking for a place to vent.
Again, thanks for your input.
I have to say with the situation you seem to really know your son and know what is best for him. I just get a feeling, tell me if I am wrong, did you disagree with the therapist about confronting you ex? Just the way it is worded I feel that. I personally would not have done that. My partner's ex always goes to her daughter and says things making things worse. We usually listen to her and are there for her but do not say anything to him about the situation. we guid her to be able to deal with whatever is going on and stand behind her for whatever descion she makes. With the physical part I do think it was right for legal action to be taken. Just incase things get worse you will have documentation to take to court.
I hope for you and especially your son that things get better. Hopefully they already have.
I can understand the therapist reasoning for asking you talk with the ex wife, but based on my own experiences, I think the therapist could have taken this one step farther and suggested a session for this subject. In other words, the therapist should sit down with the two of you (the ex wife and you) and then the three of you can discuss any necessary topics at that time.
I really want to commend you for choosing to see a therapist with your son; I know family therapy helps. The ex may have some issues (abusive behavior and such) she needs to work out in order to be a healthier person...lets hope she gets the help she needs.
In the mean time, continue to be the loving a loving and supportive father. You are his role model and you are teaching him a healthier way of how to cope with life. No one is perfect, but we each have choices to make with every experience.
Your son needs to feel safe talking with his therapist, you, and of course who ever else he lets into his support group. Children or teens going through or those who have gone through divorce have enough to deal with in learning how to accept changes. He needs time to accept these changes. He also needs to accept his part in all this; as in, lashing out is not acceptable. That could very well be his expression of anger.
Have the two of you started your own journals there? Journals are a great avenue for expression: he can write it all down, no matter what he writes it is his "safe zone".
Just a thought :)
Be patient and stay strong.
We are here for you.
I can definitely relate to your frustration, as my ex-wife knows no boundaries in terms of shielding our children from adult issues and conflicts. They are experiencing a lot of pain and confusion as a result, and I am doing my best to resolve the situation with a parenting time consultant and child therapists. My biggest frustration is the bias in the family court system that always assumes the mother is a victim and the father is a villain.