Gay Parenting Support Group
Gay parenting has been an important issue over the past few years. Over 34% of lesbian mothers have at least one child residing in their home and 22% of gay men have at least one child living with them. Together there are 6 to 10 million gay parents that are caring for between 6 and 14 million children.
I am not sure how to proceed right now. I suspect that my 17 year old son may be gay and am not sure how best to find out more. First, some background.
My son's mother and I divorced 5 years ago after 14 years of marriage. The divorce was not easy on any of my children. It was not a divorce that I wanted but I am grateful to be out of that dysfunctional relationship.
Even before the divorce, my son was experiencing troubles at school. He has always had a hard time making friends and has become socially isolated. This isolation is because of his own choices. To my knowledge he is not involved in drugs or alcohol. However, I have found him looking at porn on his iPod touch on a couple of occassions. Both times I have seen the images he is looking at, it has been of naked men. His step-sister has accused him of being gay (since she is the same age, perhaps she is privy to information that I am not). My 13 year old daughter met a 15 year old boy at the local mall that is openly gay. My daughter gave my son the cell phone number of this boy and my son has texted him frequently and has many phone conversations with him. To my knowledge, he has only met in person with this boy one time and that is when I took my kids over to a roller skating rink so they could meet him (my daughter insisted that she wanted to meet him face to face to know who he was). My son does not have access to a car and this boy lives at least 12 miles away so it would be difficult for them to be meeting.
So far, the only evidence that I have to support my suspiscions is his behavior (abusive and disrepectful), the difficulty he is having at school (both scholastically and in making friends), the comments from my step-daughter and wife, the almost obsessive association with this gay friend, and the pictures of naked men on his iPod.
In the past I have asked questions about the type of women he finds attractive and his attractions are similar to mine .... which makes me curious if he just says those things to appease me. I am not even remotely attracted to men and am actually repulsed by the idea of intimacy between two men. I was not raised with any religious background and feel that I am fairly open minded about things. However, I am not sure how I feel about this with my son.
My ex-wife's youngest brother recently "came out" that he is gay. I suspected he was gay the very first time I met him some 20 years ago. However, he denied his sexuality, married, and had three children before acknowledging his sexual orientation. He divorced his wife and hurt her very much. He has family members that have rejected him and refuse to associate with him any longer. In addition, one of my ex-wife's uncles is also gay. This uncle has very little contact with his family and lives in another state. There are no gay family members on my side of the family (at least none that I know of LOL).
I love my son very much and I will still love him if he is gay. I'm sure it will take me some time to accept it. . It seems that based on the only exposure he has had to gay people has been from his mom's family and they have not been treated very well. He knows that I am not comfortable with the lifestyle and I'm sure he is afraid that I will reject or shun him. My question is how do I bring up the topic without causing embarrassment to him?
Sorry this is so long ...
My son's mother and I divorced 5 years ago after 14 years of marriage. The divorce was not easy on any of my children. It was not a divorce that I wanted but I am grateful to be out of that dysfunctional relationship.
Even before the divorce, my son was experiencing troubles at school. He has always had a hard time making friends and has become socially isolated. This isolation is because of his own choices. To my knowledge he is not involved in drugs or alcohol. However, I have found him looking at porn on his iPod touch on a couple of occassions. Both times I have seen the images he is looking at, it has been of naked men. His step-sister has accused him of being gay (since she is the same age, perhaps she is privy to information that I am not). My 13 year old daughter met a 15 year old boy at the local mall that is openly gay. My daughter gave my son the cell phone number of this boy and my son has texted him frequently and has many phone conversations with him. To my knowledge, he has only met in person with this boy one time and that is when I took my kids over to a roller skating rink so they could meet him (my daughter insisted that she wanted to meet him face to face to know who he was). My son does not have access to a car and this boy lives at least 12 miles away so it would be difficult for them to be meeting.
So far, the only evidence that I have to support my suspiscions is his behavior (abusive and disrepectful), the difficulty he is having at school (both scholastically and in making friends), the comments from my step-daughter and wife, the almost obsessive association with this gay friend, and the pictures of naked men on his iPod.
In the past I have asked questions about the type of women he finds attractive and his attractions are similar to mine .... which makes me curious if he just says those things to appease me. I am not even remotely attracted to men and am actually repulsed by the idea of intimacy between two men. I was not raised with any religious background and feel that I am fairly open minded about things. However, I am not sure how I feel about this with my son.
My ex-wife's youngest brother recently "came out" that he is gay. I suspected he was gay the very first time I met him some 20 years ago. However, he denied his sexuality, married, and had three children before acknowledging his sexual orientation. He divorced his wife and hurt her very much. He has family members that have rejected him and refuse to associate with him any longer. In addition, one of my ex-wife's uncles is also gay. This uncle has very little contact with his family and lives in another state. There are no gay family members on my side of the family (at least none that I know of LOL).
I love my son very much and I will still love him if he is gay. I'm sure it will take me some time to accept it. . It seems that based on the only exposure he has had to gay people has been from his mom's family and they have not been treated very well. He knows that I am not comfortable with the lifestyle and I'm sure he is afraid that I will reject or shun him. My question is how do I bring up the topic without causing embarrassment to him?
Sorry this is so long ...
You are already so much further along than so many people who suspect that they have a gay loved one. The fact that you are ready to accept it is huge.
My 17 year old son came out to us when he was 12. We suspected before he came out, and we had always known gay people, my father in law was gay, so my son knew that we loved and accepted gay people. Even so, he was still scared to claim it himself.
The agonizing battle they are going through within themselves is unfathomable to us. Before they can even get to a place to allow others to accept them, they have to come to accept themselves and that can sometimes be a long and very painful process.
If you aren't comfortable approaching the subject directly with your son just yet, maybe you can watch for openings where you are able to interject a comment here and there portraying your 'support' or 'acceptance' of the possibility.
We often spoke openly of how ridiculous we thought it was for people to have a problem with gays when we knew they were just the same as the rest of us in their hearts. We would have conversations where our son would hear us, and with friends, where we would say, 'if the worse thing I could be given in this life time was a gay child, Hallelujah!', or, 'if any of our children grow up to be gay, so be it! We love them for who they are!'
It sounds like the subject comes up often enough that you could find an opportunity to put some thoughts out there that would reach your son and maybe let him soak a bit in considering that you won't reject him. You could even come right out and say, 'if you ever determine that you're gay, I'm here for you, we are always family and I will always love you'.
They really need to know that the people who know and love them best will still be there for them - we are the ones that tell them they are 'right' and loved, they need that from us the most.
Good Luck!!
i am an 18 year old female who recently came out to my mom.
all these years she has been asking all the same questions like
'are you doing drugs? do you drink? are you gay? do you have sex?'
and all those uncomfertable subjects.
you do not have to fathom intimacy between him and who he likes. would you imagin the sex between him and a girl? o.O *shivers* i wouldnt be able to handle that if my mom did that with me and a guy let alone me and a girl.
be there for him. 1 person that hes close to can make a difference.
i had anger issues when i was coming out. it was a process of 3 years... the first 2 years i had to admit to myself, the next one and this one to be honest i still have to get use to the fact for... this world is a scary place for everyone who doesnt accept us. there are so many threats. so many hurtful words 'faggot queer dyke gay homo'
its hard enough as it is knowing we arnt like others but then to have it accused to us when we dont even know who we are yet? it hurts.
i think the best thing you can do would b like... i mean i dont know how you guys interact... and i know im the only gay person in my family that i know of. but neway the best thing you can do would like... tell him you will always be there for him.
my mom had asked my what kinda guys i liked... i pointed a few that i thought wernt bad looking but did i like them? not really... tho mom and i have always had different tastes in everything... we are polar opposites e_e but neway.
dont ask him what type of girls he like. its intimidating specially if he likes guys and you ask that and he tells you somthing he is wanting to please you he wants to be what you want him to be but he is struggling inside and it hurts soooooooooooooooooooooo much. when i came out to my mom it felt like a lot was lifted from my chest that i didnt even know was there. when i came out to my friends i was less hatefull (tho i had come out to my friends b4 i did my mom, it seems to b more comfertable that way.)
dont pressure girls on him and dont think about him being with a guy. its not who he IS, its just who he might LIKE. he is who he is. he is the same person. but he just has a different taste. i still liked my video games i still liked writing stories doing some type of art. u still am an animal lover. nothing changed with me except for the fact that this heavy weight is now lifted off my chest with my family friends and myself. there is coming out to so many things but once you got the base done it gets easier. but you need the ones you love to be there for you and not judge you cuz you are the same and you need them to see that.
pull him aside and ask him straight out or be like this
'now, im unawear of anything but i am curious. i still love you for you are my son. i dont wanna make this to serious and freak you out or nething. but please know ill always be there for you. what ever your choices are in life apart from (what ever your reasons might be) killing stealing, vandilizing or of that sort. ill still be here for you if you accedently did somthing and go to jail if you get introuble at school. if your gay if (ec t)'
just throw it in there. i mean sure.... he might not tell you after all that cuz it might b creepy... its just weird coming out to parents. some dont have a problem with it. some need to realize this first.i didnt even think about it till i was 15. let alone accept it till i was 17. now i need to live with it in this world full of hate and im scared to death. but i would rather live in this world being myself, rather then to each day lie to myself and to the ones close to me having a constant weight and stabbing pain in my chest knowing its not who i am. it might take time. hell it took 3 years and even then i wasnt planning on telling my mom. and it wasnt a sit down thing ether. i couldnt have it be a sit down thing. sometimes they will come to you.
i just thought it ready my mom knew. i never wanted to get preggo, let alone have a child myself. not to mention (no offense) that i just cant see myself with a guy i like the feeling of being near a gir probably just as much as you, and the feeling being with a guy wrong to me just like it is to you. im not a dyke, infact im probably the girl in the relationtionship. theres so many types out there and we dont always hold to styrotypical types.
well, im not sure what else to tell you. if you have any questions you can always email me. :3 good luck. but please know.. you DONT NEED to know if he doesnt want you to . sure you might WANT TO know, and you might make all these things up in your head.... but im pretty sure he might have things under control for not coming out to you if he is infact, gay.
let him meet the guy, whats so wrong about that? at least he will know hes not alone in the world. hell, i wish i knew some lesbians, i only have straight friends and i feel REALLY alone v_v. but i will stop now before it gets any longer. again, msg me if you have any comments or concerns or nething.
I love what you wrote - beautiful. Good for you for being you and being proud, and kudos for reaching out to help others who are working their way down the path!
I'd like to include a note I had written for some friends of mine a while back:
Those of you with children, think about how BIG your love for them is. Mine is the same for mine. The fact that one of my sons is gay has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with what a wonderful and amazing human being he is. I want nothing but the best for him in life, just the same as my other children, and just the same as I want for yours.
I will forever be grateful that (my husband) and I were chosen to be (my son's) parents because it crushes my heart to think of him having to live in a family who may have overlooked what an incredible person he is just because he is gay.
I have a friend who had some questions and it occurred to me that there may be others out there who have questions but are afraid to ask.
I am including part of the letter I sent to my friend, in hopes that it helps even one of you.
Here it is:
...I think we knew long before our son did, and he came out to us at 12 years old.
It is nothing you would ever wish for your child (for me, personally, only because of society and how ugly and mean people can be). I want my children to be happy and fulfilled, no matter what.
I would never ask my daughter personal information about her sex life with her boyfriend/father of her child, so why would it be any different with a gay child? What they do in private is their own business. That's not to say we don't discuss safety or any other issues that parents should be talking to their kids about.
More important to me is who my kids are...are they good hearted, productive members of society? Are they honest and respectable? Do they care about making good choices and treating others with respect? What they do with what's in their pants is none of my concern. It has nothing to do with who they are. (Of course I'm talking consensual adults here)
Being in a gay relationship is not doing anyone any harm. It's two people who care about one another and treat one another with nurturing care and concern, just like a straight relationship (should be). Don't we all want that? I wouldn't want any less for any of my kids, or anyone else's kid - no matter who they get it from...as long as it's someone who can provide them with the love and security that I would want for myself.
It saddens me that some people have such a difficult time accepting it - especially when it's a family member - and most especially their child - it's not an easy life style to live, I don't think anyone would CHOOSE to be ridiculed and humiliated and shunned...they need the support of their family more than anyone. The people who know who they are, in their heart - they need to know that they are good and right and loved, just like they always were. If we don't love our children unconditionally - who will?
The age corresponds to the time he started struggling acacemically in school and also started having more difficulty socializing. Current society does NOT look at gay people kindly. There are a lot of efforts out there to change it, but people are people. It is a relief to have him tell me this .... although I still feel that he is holding something back. We'll see what the future brings.
The parts where you feel he's still holding back may just be his fear and uncertainty at taking this huge step - coming out to you.
My son went through years and years of harassment and bullying - before he came out. After he came out, it got a bit better - but I think that even worse than the actual treatment they receive, is the fear of it. Kids can be cruel, society can be cruel. Our kids carry such feelings of impending doom because you just never know...they need to know that we have their back no matter what.
I'm so happy that you guys have that step out of the way, and that your son can start to settle in with the knowledge that you know him for him and still love him. Big Hugs to you guys!!
This is his business and it is completely up to him who he decides to tell about this. I have seen the cruelty that people can exhibit when someone is "different" ... and being gay is different.
My son has been to see several counselor/ therapists to deal with his depression due to the divorce between his mother and I ... however, he never felt like he could trust anyone or talk to any adults about this. He has shared the information with a few friends that he trusts, but that is it. He has also talked to his uncle (his mom's brother) who is gay. I don't mind him talking to people that have a personal understanding of what he is going through but I want him to feel like he can talk to me as well. I have also suggested that he see a counselor again and broach this subject with the counselor to help him deal with his fear and feelings about this. He feels like the counselor will tell people and he doesn't want that to happen. I've reassured him that a counselor/therapist does not disclose that kind of information. Counselors will only break a confidentiality if they feel their client is an immenent threat to another person or themselves. Unfortunately, he doesn't believe me when I tell him that.
Even just having friends and family who he can be open with is helpful, though. I am so impressed with what you're doing for your son...far too few people are able to be as unconditionally loving - even with their own children, unfortunately.
My husband and I did the same with our son - we let him decide who he was coming out to and when. The year he finally came out at school, he gave the okay for me to share the information in our Christmas letter, just to get it out there. It was such a weight lifted for him!
Obviously, you are alert enough to your son's demeanor that you can keep aware as to where he's at and if it seems like something is bothering him, or he's struggling with something, you can remind him that you are here for him, no matter what. I think that's really all we can do.
"Thelonewolf,"
You sound like an amazing young lady!