Gay Men's Challenges Support Group
This community is dedicated to the challenges that gay men face, both between the partners in a relationship and from other influences (family, society, etc.). Find support and talk to others who may be facing the same challenges, and share your experience.
I'm a 44-yr-old shy guy. I had my first real relationship about 10 yrs ago. Though it was wonderful, it ran its course. I was devastated but slowly got over it. I had some flings here & there & then I moved to another city 3 years ago. I met a beautiful guy right away but he was an addict. Needless to say, I became a codependent & it became a roller-coaster ride for 2 years. I worked through my codependent issues during & after that ended. I'm still working on it.
A few months ago, I met a guy my own age (I look young, so I usually meet guys who are younger than me). Unlike the others, I actually had a lot in common with this guy. He was also an introvert like I am. The difference was that he came out later than I did. I came out in my early 20s but he didn't come out till he was in his late 30s. He had belonged to a fundamentalist church. He tried to come out when he was younger but he was told to just pray it away. Though he's dated a bit, he's only been with one guy sexually & it wasn't a serious relationship.
So we took it slow. A lot of our dates were just going out for walks, movies, & playing tennis. He told me he wanted to kiss me early on but wanted to get to know each other first. I also found out he was a workaholic. His job means a lot to him. When he's not teaching, he is often away doing research & other job-related work. I would see him once a week if I was lucky - sometimes it was even longer when he was really busy. So we were just hanging out as friends. After a couple of months. I didn't really mind it that much because I like my time alone as well. I did want to pursue it further. Unfortunately, he ended up telling me he just wanted to be friends & he just didn't have time for a serious relationship.
I was disappointed but went with it. I went away on vacation & we didn't see each other much but we kept in touch. A little later, he told me he missed me & we started hanging out again. We're both really shy so neither one of us would make a first move but we liked hanging out with each other. This went on for a few weeks. One night, I finally had the courage to just kiss him on the cheek. A week later he facebooked me to say he just wanted to be friends because he's just not ready for a serious relationship. I was supposed to take him to an opera that week & he told he would understand if I cancelled, so I did. He then got upset about it & we talked it out & I told him I can't really make him feel something that he didn't. We continued to talk & we decided to still be friends.
We went to a movie & dinner afterwards & it was good but a bit awkward. The problem is that I still like him. My low self-esteem (a lifelong problem) is mostly to blame for wanting somebody who doesn't want me in return (also a lifelong problem). We did keep in touch. Over the holidays, I went through a bit of depression. I've tried never to be bitter but it was a losing battle this time. Maybe it was the holiday blues or just plain old mid-life crisis. Also, a couple weeks after he told me he just wanted to be friends, I had to bail my ex out of the mental ward after not seeing him in a while. It didn't go well, of course, & I had to call the cops on him (it looks like he's now doing meth & was in drug paranoia). I'm sure that & being rejected also played a part on why I was so down.
Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a few weeks but now he's wanting to hang out again. Is it selfish of me to keep a distance from him? Or should I just suck it up & be happy to be friends with him? I think he's a really nice guy with issues like the rest of us, but I don't know if I can just be friends with him. I really would like some feedback on this.
A few months ago, I met a guy my own age (I look young, so I usually meet guys who are younger than me). Unlike the others, I actually had a lot in common with this guy. He was also an introvert like I am. The difference was that he came out later than I did. I came out in my early 20s but he didn't come out till he was in his late 30s. He had belonged to a fundamentalist church. He tried to come out when he was younger but he was told to just pray it away. Though he's dated a bit, he's only been with one guy sexually & it wasn't a serious relationship.
So we took it slow. A lot of our dates were just going out for walks, movies, & playing tennis. He told me he wanted to kiss me early on but wanted to get to know each other first. I also found out he was a workaholic. His job means a lot to him. When he's not teaching, he is often away doing research & other job-related work. I would see him once a week if I was lucky - sometimes it was even longer when he was really busy. So we were just hanging out as friends. After a couple of months. I didn't really mind it that much because I like my time alone as well. I did want to pursue it further. Unfortunately, he ended up telling me he just wanted to be friends & he just didn't have time for a serious relationship.
I was disappointed but went with it. I went away on vacation & we didn't see each other much but we kept in touch. A little later, he told me he missed me & we started hanging out again. We're both really shy so neither one of us would make a first move but we liked hanging out with each other. This went on for a few weeks. One night, I finally had the courage to just kiss him on the cheek. A week later he facebooked me to say he just wanted to be friends because he's just not ready for a serious relationship. I was supposed to take him to an opera that week & he told he would understand if I cancelled, so I did. He then got upset about it & we talked it out & I told him I can't really make him feel something that he didn't. We continued to talk & we decided to still be friends.
We went to a movie & dinner afterwards & it was good but a bit awkward. The problem is that I still like him. My low self-esteem (a lifelong problem) is mostly to blame for wanting somebody who doesn't want me in return (also a lifelong problem). We did keep in touch. Over the holidays, I went through a bit of depression. I've tried never to be bitter but it was a losing battle this time. Maybe it was the holiday blues or just plain old mid-life crisis. Also, a couple weeks after he told me he just wanted to be friends, I had to bail my ex out of the mental ward after not seeing him in a while. It didn't go well, of course, & I had to call the cops on him (it looks like he's now doing meth & was in drug paranoia). I'm sure that & being rejected also played a part on why I was so down.
Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a few weeks but now he's wanting to hang out again. Is it selfish of me to keep a distance from him? Or should I just suck it up & be happy to be friends with him? I think he's a really nice guy with issues like the rest of us, but I don't know if I can just be friends with him. I really would like some feedback on this.
I would suggest reading your original post as if it weren't you, how would you respond?
I am sorry to be blunt, but I feel you have a ways to go on your codependency issues, and I genuinely hope you are seeking counseling. For example, "Is it selfish of me to keep a distance from him? Or should I just suck it up & be happy to be friends with him?"... you have the emotions backwards. It is selfish to pursue someone who doesn't want to be with you, and it is "sucking it up" to keep your distance. The only way to describe your relationship with this individual is masochistic. You sound like a great guy. he sounds like a great guy. You like each other, but have different priorities. You are both trying to be the "nice guy" here, but it just keep hurting you. Yes, distance yourself. Obviously "being friends" is not a viable option for this person, and tell him as much. Otherwise you will be stuck in this endless loop. He deserves the truth, and so do you.
The part about your ex worries me. You are not beholden to him. Also, your desire for companionship compelled you to help someone remove themselves from a facility administering much needed care. There was no way this scenario would have played out well, and your actions were harmful to the both of you. Again, I implore you to work with a professional, as this codependency quite literally placed you in danger. People caught in fits of drug paranoia have killed before. Also, distance yourself from your ex. Lose his number, don't answer his calls. His demons are not yours.
I feel like I my be sounding quite harsh, and I genuinely don't mean to be, but your actions as you describe them are both self-destructive and dangerous. You worry about being selfish, so you try and make everyone else happy at the cost of your own happiness. Well, don't you deserve to be happy? Shouldn't people who care about you try and bring you happiness? The people you've pursued seem only to hurt you, albeit in different ways. It is not selfish to fight for your happiness, it is a sign of strength.
Try meeting people in healthy scenarios. Are there any gay oriented groups or charities near you? For an admitted introvert, a structured group with scheduled activities can give you the push needed to "get out there". You will also be surrounded with people who are working towards better positive goals, which will keep you separated from those like your ex.
There are volumes of possibilities available you, so don't just reread the same chapters. Move your story forward.
All the best,
Steve
I know you are trying to move on from where you were when you posted, but can I just add one more thing? We here on the site support you no matter what. It was very brave of you to post, and open yourself up to the comments of others. I'm assuming that because I see so much of myself in your post, that you also share my anxiety about revealing too much and being "too honest" about your feelings. You don't have to hide them or be ashamed...most of us already have plenty of that in our lives, yes?
I hope you will keep posting, and use us as a resource to bounce off ideas, feelings and frustrations. Since we're never really finished growing, don't think you have to "achieve" health and emotional balance, because you will always have good days and bad days of both.
I think it's great that you're seeking some professional advice, and even better you're not shutting down, but trying to expand your horizons. It can be difficult and sometimes really frustrating, but I think you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you will succeed. Whether you do or not; whether you cut ties with the "just friends" guy or not, we will be hear to listen.
Tim the treeguy