I think a lot of these differences in experience may have something to do with environment. I think large gay urban ghettos in L.A. and NY may lend themselves more toward the much-bemoaned fast lane gay lifestyle in which appearance is paramount. I've noticed that gay centers in smaller urban areas seem to have a more humane element to them. L.A. in particular is brutal if you're not gorgeous, rich, and well-connected (preferably all three). Sadly, this is the area that has formed much of my own impressions about the gay life.

Like LA -- I'm in a fairly large city of several million, but at any rate, I think what you've observed only makes it easier.

If the people that you're meeting are only interested in those things, then you have a clear indication of who to avoid and who to spend your time with.

It seems to me that if morality and morals are important to you then checking out places where you would find such people is the route to take. That doesn't sound like the trendiest restaurant, the hottest club, or the most sought after body/face. Just an observation.

But then, we don't always do what is in our own best interest.

Yes, exactly. You should be commended for having such strong values for yourself - it really makes a big difference to the world. You also are making a difference by having the courage to post and having the rest of us (or some of us) relate and want to have those changes too. Its cool to have a website like this with like minded individuals who can connect like this. We should all go out for coffee lol...

Yes I do think there are cultural differences not just between mega city and smaller centres but also between the Staes and the UK

Certainly London has much of the beautiful people syndrome on the other hand it is the biggest sleaze centre there is. Im sure LA and NY are the same - although body facism is much more developed in LA than anywhere else in the world.

It is the anonymity and fleetingess of gay contact in such centres that may make it difficult to make lasting friendships.

And here was me thinking it was all like Barbary Lane stateside ha ha

Thanks, Hazel 79 and ajdmouse. I know I come off sounding too rigid and moralistic at times, and I'm trying to get over that--my strict Catholic upbringing, I think. But I do think there's room for improvement in the gay world. Maybe if enough of us stood up and said we're tired of the bars and would like to see more meaningful interactions in the gay world, to not just settle for lives of meaningless sex, partying, and status obsession, things would be different. Maybe I'm being idealistic. And, of course, I'm sure others will disagree with my appraisal of the status quo, which is their right. I'm only describing my own experience (although, I have noticed that most here seem to concur with me--my therapist says she hears the same thing from her gay clients about their dissatisfaction with gay life, so I don't think we can all be wrong). I would like to become the kind of person whose heart is open and who can find value in the most unlikely places, but it has been a struggle given the pain of rejection we have all felt at one time or another to stay open. But being in this forum in the short time I've been here has helped me to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I also see that there seem to be many people struggling with pain, loneliness, and desperation, and I wish I could help in some way.

With the direction of the discussion, I'm finding there's a temptation to slip into self-pity. So, I think I'll exit for the moment.