I know very much how you feel with the gay friend attraction deal. I've been in a relationship for almost 4 months now and things were going ok for us. He was very open with the idea of me going out with other gay men as far as friendships. However things took a very unfortunate turn when I met with someone and we ended up being intimate together. I snapped out of my hormonal escapade in time to salvage my relationship, but ever since then I have been deathly afraid of having gay friends. I love my boyfriend very much and I would love to have gay friends, but not at the expense of opening that can of worms again... :(

All of my close friends at the moment are women, with the exception of my ex-boyfriend from 6 years ago. There's absolutely no attraction there anymore, I look at him like my brother, so that's been the only gay friend I've managed to keep. Nobody else has really been noteworthy.

For me, I have some good friends past and present. I think it was a question of being mindful. if I know that I'm attracted to someone, spending a lot of time on the friendship was just a recipe for disaster.

I recall when I moved about 10 years ago, a friend was encouraging me to make friends with two of my neighbours. I told that friend that knowing that I was attracted to these two guys that it would just complicate any friendship.

With the busyness of school and work, I haven't been able to keep as close contact as I like, but I have made friends online that moved into the non-virtual world as well. it's definitely challenging at time, finding time to spend with the people who I do consider friends.

I'm definitely more selective in the last 10 years on who I allow into my life. I think it's also about expectations for friendships. I've met a few people over the years, who had expectations of friends that seemed more like things that would happen in a dating relationship.

The biggest challenge that I've had is mixing different groups of friends. Having a variety of interests, some of my friends don't have things in common with each other.

I remember once have a very jealous boyfriend that caused a lot of friction in several friendships, but that didn't last more than six months.

Someone described it to me once as having 3 tiers of friends -- the acquaintances you see occasionally, the social friends that you know you can hang out with, and then one or two close friends who can be more of a confidante.

Another friend who is writer had a line that I really liked -- people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. He didn't remember where the original quote came from, but it does seem to be true in my case.

I can relate. For me it is either go out drinking with my gay friends on the weekend or never see or hear from them again. You are not alone.

I personally think there are three areas that could work to having gay friendships (in my experience)

#1: Have Lesbian friends - at least you know where the lines are drawn and there is absolutley no room for attraction (from female to male, male to female).

#2: Have gay friends where there is absolutley no attraction. This will allow for a platonic relationship to unfold and not allow for anything else.

#3: Have some class and tact. Be mindful and remind yourself that you do not sleep with your friends, attractive or not. Gay people can be friends with one another, but we also have to keep in mind that we all are different and we can't always mesh or get along.

In my personal experience, I have chosen to stay away from the bar scene all together. I have made a conscious effort to have my mind and body taken care of (going to the gym, eating healthy). I have my partner of 9 years and like minded friends who know where to draw the line and there are no misunderstandings.

Wow, I seem to have struck a nerve or something. For the record, I have never slept with a gay male friend, but I have become friends with one or two individuals I was attracted to, all the while knowing it was probably not the smartest move. I was basically just setting myself up for an awkward rejection. But I had the sense to put an end to these relationships before things got really bad. I've also been on the receiving end, and that's no fun either to have to reject someone you thought you could just go out with socially and whose company you enjoyed. There seems to be too much emphasis in the gay male world on partying--it would be nice to have a friend I could talk about personal stuff with, go to the movies with, go out to coffee with, etc. I've been able to do all of this with my straight female friends and a few lesbians.

and you are totally right! I think I would love to have you as a friend to chill with and have coffee with - my b/f tends to do this more than I have, but I have, myself, found it difficult to find a true gay male friend (other than my spouse) who really "gets" me and has the same sense of humor (i am pretty wacky and find certain things funny that most would find weird).

HAS ANYONE SEEN THE MOVIE "HEARTBREAK CLUB: A ROMANTIC COMEDY?" (I think that's what it's called)

Anyway, it's got Dean Cain and Tim Olyphant, bu it's about a group of gay guys who are best friends. I thought it was totally unrealistic because they're not chasing each other with false hopes of romance and hooking up. (well, one character does... but, it hardly seemed correct considering the number of guys in the group)

ANYWAY, I gotta say I feel the same way. It's easy to be friends with girls because you can admire the same thing but are not usually in competition with each other, and aren't sexually attracted to each other. (Well, sometimes the girls are, but for some reason they handle it better.)

ANYhoo. Peace.

Your question brought up the reason why I was searching for online support groups. When I was single, I was hanging out with a lot more gay men. Now that I am in a relationship again, I feel like other than my partner, I don't talk to any gay man at all except for a couple old friends who live in other countries.

When I was with my ex, we used to hang out with a few gay couples, and we would all go to brunch and have birthday parties every now and then. They were all decent people, but many of them were actually involved in group sex parties. I never wanted to go to those parties, but I did get to see them when it's just having a meal together. Despite our differences, we were all gay and had similar experience and point of view.

I met a few folks through online dating and gay communities before I got serious with my current relationship. Then, fairly quickly these new gay friends faded away. All of them were single, so I made the assumption that they just "moved on" to spending time with other single gay men, not me.

That's probably why I am inclined to think that it might be easier for a gay couple to befriend another gay couple, but not so much a single man with another.

This all kind of depresses me, I must admit. Someone noted that gay guys don't feel in competition with straight women and that's why we can be friends, but straight single women are in competition with each other, but that doesn't stop them from being friends (think Sex and the City). What is it with gay guys? Are we just so emotionally stunted that we can't find anything else in existence to occupy us except sexual conquest and romantic possibilities? There's much more to life. I must say, in my experience the gay world (especially in looks-obsessed L.A.) is a fairly toxic place--too much emphasis on the adolescent pleasures of sex and partying. I never felt any support from this community, which is a huge irony when you consider all the propaganda it tries to purvey about how we're all one big happy family. The gay community is not a community in the same sense that there's a black community or an Hispanic community--sex does not bind as strongly as blood, it would appear. I think in many cases we tend to mistreat each other as we have been mistreated by the general populace, and this appears to play out in our inability to form real friendships. Sorry, but that's how I feel. Enough whining, I guess. I'm sure some will disagree.

Aren't men hard wired to spread the seed? I say this seriously. We are designed to keep the human kind alive right??. Men are visually stimulated so yes, unfortunately "looks" is what spurs most of this sex crazed lifestyle. Most guys are just doing what is ingrained and programmed to do. Besides once they turn 18 what do most gay guys do?? go to the bar!!! It is all they know, they think this is how the lifestyle is. We are a product of our design. I am 29 (think I am above average looking :-) ) and can count the number of men I have slept with on one hand. I think it is disgusting totally and disrespectful to ones body/soul for a one night stand. I am special and yes have struck out in the past but have never had a one night stand. Of the two good friends I had one is in jail for sex related charges, and the other lost his job due to a DUI. So.....I really the friends I had were really just losers anyways.... what a waste of time!!! Aye :-)

I could write a book on this subject! I have been hurt more times than I can count from gay guy "friends" It seems that all the gay guys I meet in my town are into is going to bars (I hate bars) interested only in hooking up and partying. I find that nearly all I that meet are shallow, self absorbed conceited and full of drama, most lack commitment, long term goals and enjoy living for the moment. Personally I've met only a handful who are happy and content with their life. Even making gay friends online is a challenge, it seems we get bored easily and are always looking for a greener pasture. And gay men are so jealous of each other its not even funny.

Yes, OOI, men are biologically programmed to "spread the seed," as you say. But we also have the power to choose quantity over quality and to take some kind of responsibility for the moral consequences of our actions. Unfortunately, morals are seen as something antiquated and repressive by most gay guys. Most seem to opt for having as much sex as they possibly can. I think that promiscuity ultimately is a soul deadening enterprise, but I know I'm probably in the minority in this. Most gay guys act like their promiscuity is some kind of God-given right. Not sure if that's just rationalizing, but I'd rather be with one special person than with scores of unspecial ones anyday. Yes, the gay world has its problems, but we have the power within ourselves to change it if we want to, but I know it's not so easy. I think the easy acceptance of promiscuity and superficiality by gay people is a manifestation of self-loathing and the internalized homophobic messages we get from the general culture--i.e., on some level, we think this is what we deserve. Really sad, needless to say.

The fear of being alone, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment -- we certainly live in an interesting society.

Whether one is promiscuous, monogamous, or whatever, enjoy your life. We only get one shot at this.

osteron is right - life is too short and too precious. I guess the best thing we all can do is to treat people the way we want to be treated, and to be nice to everyone. Life is too short for pettiness and drama. I think if all people knew this there would be less fighting and nonesense.

Again my experience has been different. It was the shalloe flirty vacant type playing on the scene that I just wasnt comfortable with except for the breif period where I dabbled in dance drugs.

I dont quite have the number of really good friends I used to when I was younger (when they were largely straight)and while they are now fewer I have a good mix of straight male, straight female and gay male.

Interestingly in relation to other comments in this thread I have slept with my few close gay male friends and have had short term relationships or one night stands with them in the distant past. We're still friends and there is nothing sexual between us.