Realize and accept you don't need anyone outside of yourself to be happy.

Easier said than done.

"Whether you can or you can't...you're right!"
--Henry Ford

I have the same fear Juan. I've already spent a great deal of time alone so I'm pretty good at it. However, the older I get the greater the fear. I guess I just want to experience close companionship before I kick the bucket, since I've never known it. My strategy is to keep on hoping.

Good luck!

Thanks for your response, MarkTx62. I was wondering what happened to you--I hadn't seen you post on any of these topics for a while. I remember how heartfelt your post from a little while back was, so I hope things are going better for you. It's nice to hear from someone who sympathizes and does not offer facile self-help prescriptions.

This is a fear of mine also.... but I've also come to the conclusion that some things just aren't meant to be, so I try to be my own best friend
and accept things as they come.

"Misery loves Company"
--Unknown

If you don't help yourself? Who's going to do it for you? A magical pink unicorn maybe?

You may see it as facile...but you asked what I do to keep my spirits up and I answered. For me it has been...to my great surprise...very simple. After having spent 6 years at the bottom of depressions hell, I've called myself every horrid name in the book...Facile is tame...AND it's your opinion. Changing the way I thought about myself and what I really want was and is key to my much-healed self. Loneliness is STILL there...I just no longer expect it to be solved through indulgent self-pity.

Hun, i can get were you are coming from. I am turning 18 soon and to me Age doesn't matter, i like to look at who a person really is and accept them for who they are. i know its really hard to find someone but give it time. you will meet the right person. I would love to be a person you can talk to. no one should ever feel they are alone. there is always someone out there for someone. I Support you and are here for you:)

When I met my partner, I asked him why he wanted to be in a relationship when he had been single for a few years and seemed to be fairly independent as a person. He just said he felt like he's the kind who should be in a relationship. Looking back, I think he's not the kind of person who thinks deep about it, but he knew he wanted to be in a relationship.

For me, I enjoy the companionship. I can tell how my partner has a special place in my life that is not replaceable by friends and family. I can find happiness from different sources, but having a relationship helps me to gain something I don't get from good friends, family, career, or other places.

If I were to be single again, I know I would have to continue to make myself happy even without a relationship. I know that no one can force a relationship to happen, but I would also know what I might not get as part of my life when being single.

Yeah, you're right HRF, these things can't be forced. I should just accept how things have panned out and try to make the best of it. Maybe I just wasn't ready when I was younger--I was pretty messed up looking back on it. Life has surprises in store for all of us--things don't always turn out the way we imagined they would.

Maybe I shouldn't think about it so much, but I'm the kind of person who's always asking why? Why? Was it something I did? Could I have changed how things turned out? Was it out of my control? I don't know...too late now, I suppose. I know religion is a source of solace for some. I think it could be for me too if I didn't have so many issues with organized religion. I feel torn between agnostic impulses and a desire for religious fulfillment--a schizophrenic place to be.

You are not alone my friend. It is something that I have tried for decades to find and at times thought I found that someone special but alas it wasn't meant to be. I did realize decades ago that I would more or less end up alone, maybe I was preordaining (sp) my future, but in that mind set I have come to face the reality of being alone and not being afraid of being alone. In so many ways life is easier without someone, but then again, there are many times when hvaing someone by my side would have made a world of difference, but that's what friends and family are for.

With this relaity came a clearity that I was much stronger than I had ever expected and am very grateful for that gift. I recieved it in part from my mother, God and hard knocks.

When it comes down to it, we all do what is neccesary when the time comes, if not, then we get run over...and have to again learn the lesson(s) that were before us.

I trust you will find somebody to love you and cherish you, but most of all, I hope that that person is yourself. Once that is found then maybe you'll realize that you'e enough and at that point, bam, somebody will walk into your life and turn everything upside down...that's the way it happens with me.

Best of luck dear friend and if you need me, I'm here. Jon

Religious fulfillment works for some. I have seen people go back to school, immerse themselves in one or two charities or volunteering organizations, or find new hobbies and get good at them by taking part in competitions. I think ultimately it's about where a person finds his happiness and his purpose.

And I believe it's not at all different for people who are partnered. People in relationships are not necessarily happy. A couple still needs to work together to find happiness and purpose.

Hi Juan

I think the challenge that you describe owes itself to some extent to attitude. Futility only exists that we are out of the game before even starting the first hand. I could see how you might think there is no hope in some of the comparisons that you might make.

Not being in my 20s or 30s, I really have no interest in someone who is many years my junior. I'd prefer someone with something in common. The greatest looks and the hottest body are no contest for an intelligent man with a great sense of humour.

I don't find that I need to keep my hopes up because the game is nowhere near over. There are tons of gay men out there, but as you noted, not taking the leap and putting yourself out there only makes the fear a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm fine with my age. I don't care how old I am or how others perceive me or what others think about my age. I wouldn't really associate with someone like that, let alone seriously date someone who overly preoccupied with age. Not to mention that stressing is more aging that the natural process of aging itself.

Fear is nothing more than a product of our thinking -- and we can conjure up all sorts of horrible futures for ourselves -- including being alone. At this stage in life, I don't care one way or the other. I can enjoy being alone and I can enjoy being with someone. I rarely find people happy when their decisions and actions are motivated by fear.

I know I can count on a few things -- if I stay home, I won't meet anyone. If I don't speak to anyone, no one will get to know me. If I don't leave myself open to someone who wants to approach me, they won't get to know me and vice versa.

I have no real complaints of the online route, but I have noticed that many people build their hopes far too quickly in proportion to the relationship with someone whose photo and bio they found interesting or attractive. Most relationships take time to build and the superficial stuff is just not a good indicator of who a person is and what their potential is for a relationship. (I can remember a few times online where some guys were professing their undying love after a few chats and emails!)

In other words comparison shop -- consider how much time you put into finding a job, choosing an education, buying a home, a car, etc. and then how much time goes into each person that we consider attractive and if we'll consider a longer relationship with them. I know people who still have difficulty making career decisions, but will jump into any relationship out of the fear of being alone -- even when there are BIG RED WARNING FLAGS.

I consider relationships based on "chemistry" doomed to fail. Chemistry is just another way of saying that someone is anxious about the person that they are interested in. That feeling typically wears off and quite quickly -- once the anxiety is gone -- there usually isn't much left to sustain a relationship.

Rather than being hopeful, I consider what I need in any relationship in life -- that leads to more friends, closer friends, and then the cream floats to the top and you see who really is worth your investment and will go the distance.

Thanks, everyone. I think all your words have been very sensible. The problem for me has been while my mind agrees with everything you have said, my heart sometimes feels this want for something more. I feel like I've missed something really huge in my life--some grand passion maybe or even just someone nice to have around. I saw the Siegfried and Roy special last night on 20/20 and, while the nature of their relationship was never made explicit, it was pretty obvious just how important they are to each other, even though their relationship has been rocky at times. Finding someone who means as much to me as the two of them do to each other is something I wish for, but some things are just not meant to be, I guess.

I suppose it's not too late, and, yeah, I know, I shouldn't look for love and feel bad about its not being around. I should try to fill myself with other things, and it does work sometimes but not always. Family and friends are great, but you can't take them to bed with you (and I don't mean for sex). And there are certain things I could never discuss with my family. But I guess these are the compromises in life we all have to try to come to peace with.

I so get that Juan. I have had such a battle finding anyone I click with let alone now having one more barrier. I have to hold on to when it's right, it will happen. I also am very grateful each day for the dear friends I have around me.

(((hug)))