It was a dismal failure for me. I am an outgoing person and I ended up with someone who didn't like going out. I was an out advocate and rallier for gay rights -- he was closeted and too embarrassed to let most people know he was gay. I was financially conservative and he spent and spent. I believed in talking through issues -- he kept things to himself. He had more education at that point -- which he felt invalidated anything that i had to say. I have two cultural backgrounds (biracial actually) -- he was as I discovered more racist that he liked to acknowledge. I'm direct and honest -- he was too worried about ever offending anyone, so he kept things bottled up and stretched the truth to fit or sugar coated what he really thought. I was assertive -- he was passive.

There might have been an attraction as opposites -- but I'm wiser now.

So opposites do attract, Osteoron, but, at least in your case, cannot sustain a relationship? Do you think it would have worked if he had been comfortably out and more communicative? Would the other issues have mattered so much? I think some things we can change about ourselves, but others, such as personality type, are much more difficult, if not impossible, to change. I guess I'm trying to get at what are the deal breakers, as it were, in a relationship. Perhaps that's too simplistic--maybe it was the confluence of a whole array of things as in your situation?

My partner and I are quite different in many ways. Generally speaking, I am more attracted to me who are my opposite, but I need to share some basic traits with the person if I wanted to have a relationship with him.

My partner is a strong extrovert. He bases most of his decisions on logic and self interest. I am a strong introvert and tend to think of other people involved in the situation when I make decisions. He likes to talk to all people at any party, while I prefer to spend time with people I know. Our socioeconomic backgrounds are somewhat different as well. He's from a small town in Pennsylvania, started working in restaurant business after high school, gradually moving onto engineering and then high tech after he moved to California. Eventually he did high tech marketing until he got so unhappy with both corporate management and start-up's model to the point where he decided to quit and started his own catering business for a few years. Now he's back in college full time to try to get his first degree in political science. I was born and raised in Hong Kong until I was 21 before I moved to the US. I worked and went to college for 10 years until I got my master's. Now I am only in my 4th year of working full time, probably making 1/3 of what my partner was making when he was in high tech. By the way, he is 20 years older than me.

I don't know if our case is rare. I guess it makes sense to assume people prefer choosing someone closer to them for a relationship, but what makes a relationship work, to me, is about aligning the basic goals in life and personal views of relationship/marriage. I think sharing personality types, socioeconomic backgrounds and age can be helpful, but these similarities do not always speak to what a person wants from the relationship. We tend to assume there are some correlations, but that's not any kind of guarantee.

My partner and I do share some key qualities. In general, neither one of us would get hung up on "small differences." He's not the kind of person who would hold grudges, and I go by the rule of "whether or not I would forget about it when I wake up tomorrow." I think both of us have some strong ideas about living our life in a way that helps to focus on bigger things--our goals, our wants, the future, in general.

He and I also are happy to explore differences and expand. That's crucial. I would not have been comfortable years ago to be in a relationship with someone like this, but now I think I am more ready to be in a "learning mode" and let go of some strong beliefs I used to have about living life, such as the resistance to change.

We also believe we MUST communicate what we need from each other. If we don't communicate, the other person will not know something is wrong.

Overall, opposites or not, I think it's about whether or not two people can work things out together in an honest way.

My closest friend were together for years. I don't hink we could have lived together wouldn't if we didn't have some similar interests and ways alike. The opposites are, He is more: introverted than me, I tend to express myself; low key than me, I tend to be full of energy and ready to get at it; doesn't form opinions quickly, I tend to know how I feel or research siutations. There are several other differences. I won't say that our differences were always complimemtary, but I do think we both know we really understand these difference and when they make us uncomfortable, we talk about them.

My closest friend and I were together for years. I don't think we could have lived together if we didn't have some similar interests and ways alike. The opposites were, He is more: introverted than me, I tend to express myself; low key than me, I tend to be full of energy and ready to get at it; doesn't form opinions quickly, I tend to know how I feel or research siutations. There are several other differences. I won't say that our differences were always complimemtary, but I do think we both really understand these differences and when they make us uncomfortable, we talk about them.

I once was in a relationship where we were complete opposites in a socio-economic sense. It was a disaster. My current partner is 8 years younger than me. I am 45 - I want to nest, garden, simple life. He's non-stop active - as I was at his age. It causes some problems.

I was in a relationship for 5 years with my exact opposite. On many different levels we were different, but we really loved each other for a very long time. It is just a matter of how you go about recognizing the differences if you want a relationship to work out. Rember the key to any good relationship is to give your partner room to grow, don't smother them out with your differences.

HUMM,
Great Post. My partner and I have been together for 8 years and he's 11 years younger than I. For the first few years we were like not only partners in total love but best friends. Then I became sick and it all changed he's distant and uncaring, BUT I love him so much.
I suppose like ra8 said was good. Great post.
Rob

I agree. This post is awesome.

My boyfriend is short... and I'm tall. He's phillipino, and I'm super-white. He likes Britney Spears, and I like Fallout Boy. I like movies like Watchmen, and he likes movies like Quarantine. His friends are all gangstas, my friends are all... punks... I guess... I don't know how we came together, but we did.

I think about this topic everday. By all counts, we shouldn't even KNOW each other, let alone be dating.

*muah*